Is it time to let go

Posted by featherinwind (663 days ago)

My story is a little long.

I met this man 5 years ago when I was in US. It was a wrong timing for us to meet. He was going through marriage turmoil. He moved out and was contemplating on divorce. What made the decision more difficult was that he has 2 young kids.
I could understand why he was very emotionally unstable. We could have a wonderful time together today and the next day I saw an email from him saying he could not see me any more coz he should give his marriage for another try for kids sake. Breaking up was just that simple to him. But in a few months he came back. It happened over and over again. When he decided to go, I watched him go. It hurt really bad each time but my pride prevented me from begging a man to stay. And when he came back, I was still there.
We continued this on-and-off relationship until that day we went on a short weekend trip. It all went well at the beginning. We went for mountain climbing in the day then got back to our hotel. After shower we sat in bed watching TV and I hugged him saying I love you. But he said, I am not going to tell you what you want to hear. I could never forget that night. After he fell asleep, I stepped out to the parking lot walking round and round the whole night asking myself what I was doing. At that night I decided to cut off this relationship because I can not be with somebody who doesnt love me at all.
We hadn’t seen each other for over a year since then. During that time he called me saying that he filed for divorce. He emailed me on holidays saying hello. I never replied. At year end 2005, my life experienced some big change and I need to come back to China. I did not plan to tell him about my leaving but one month before my flight, he emailed me saying that he just suddenly had this panic that he might never see me again. So I told him I was leaving US for good.
In over a year time we saw each other again. All the old feelings came back and it never changed. I always felt so right in every way when we were together, it still did.
After I get back to China, we kept in contact via messenger and emails now and then. His divorce was final last year. One day he was on messenger and I could sense something in his mind so asked him what was wrong. He said I could have forgotten you easily by now but I just can’t. You show up in my dreams all the time. And I want to tell you that I love you, I have loved you for a long time but was afraid to say so.
It was the first time I heard him tell me this in so long time. However, I don't know whether I really believe it. When I was in US and need help, he was never there. For all the birthdays, valentines and holidays, I was always alone. And since I came back he never called me once. He only kept in touch with me in the cheapest way…messenger, free. I don't know what love really means to him.
But I still haven’t got over him. He has haunted my life for so long. Whenever I go on a date, it always stops at friendship. I just can not be intimate with anybody. I hate this.
I have asked myself so many times, is it time to let go?

(I am based in Beijing)

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Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (663 days ago)

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You know the answer to that, sister! YES, the time is now, let go of this emotional blackmailer. If he couldnt pull his thumb out then, he aint going to now. Its always going to be you who is give, give, give.

You deserve better than that.

Be strong and just put "FIN" on that chapter of your book.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chris79 (663 days ago)

I agree, this guy just uses you as an extra, his wife finally got enough of him and you should to. Plenty of fine fish around. And not calling is a definite no-no.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by featherinwind (663 days ago)

actually he filed for divorce first. In his words, his ex screamed all the time. Anyway I never met her so don't know the true story. But he is a very loving father. I guess he just doesnt love me enough.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by car_lover (663 days ago)

I guess he is just trying to use u in the midst of a divorce, he might be totally screw up thinking abt his kids and his divorce, but then that's not an excuse for him to treat u like that, that's really selfish of him. I wld agree with the above that u shld move on. I've been thru a bad divorce too not to long ago and sometimes I tend to fall for any girl along the way..like total screw up...bt after thinking abt it, i know it's not right cos am just using it to forget the pain...so that's why been alone for 2 yrs! So i guess he is the same bt the difference is he made use of u.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by pinolino (662 days ago)

Complicating things and asking online-people seems to be standard in here. All what you wrote and experienced does not give you any answer? Please wake up !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Gilmore (662 days ago)

You definitely need to move on. Whatever he feels for you is not strong enough for him to make any kind of sacrifice for you - even spending some money and calling you! If you have been haunting his thoughts and dreams like he says, you'd expect him picking up the phone and wanting to hear your voice! Read the writing on the wall. It's very clear. Be kind to yourself and cut all ties and move on.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by featherinwind (662 days ago)

thanks all...when you love someone, you tend to make excuses for that person for all his "not doing"...but then I realize that actually I am just making excuses for my own disappointment. Yes I have cut off all the possible connections with him. I dont have another five years to waste. Thanks for all your advice.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by tigerbay (662 days ago)

It sounds like he is emmotinally immature.
He has only thought about himself.
He said it was his family, but it was about him.
Ultimately it will always be about him.

Sorry to say.

Time to move on and move up.

And you are right you will have trouble falling in love for a while. But allow your self these healing relationships.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by annebin (662 days ago)

I think there should be closure in your relationship. If you can't talk amicably without falling for his guises all over again, send him an email. You have to close this chapter in your life and move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (662 days ago)

Change the man, change the phone number, change the mobile, change your email address, and don't open any mail.

You can blosk him as an email sender as well to put yourself away from temptation.

It is hard, but it can be done. Don't waste another 5 years.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by featherinwind (662 days ago)

tigerbay, I have already blocked him in every way possible. I did not tell him why. I guess he would be wondering. I am feeling so awful. This deep wound in my heart, and the feeling of being stupid for so long, anger, disappointment at both him and myself...all mixed up feelings make me want to burst. And I dont know how to vent it out.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by tigerbay (662 days ago)

How to let it out.
Scream KTV var is great for this, you get your own room and the music is loud and nobody gives a damn. Cry. Rant to yourself, write it all down in a book, leave it a day, red it again then burn it. Get drunk. Remember the clock never stops ticking. It takes time thats all. And when you are feeling really blue, remember the thing about the clock never stopping.

Stop beating yourself up, and put it down to experience.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by featherinwind (662 days ago)

I guess I will choose to scream at KTV.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by wolfbaby (661 days ago)

Time to let it go, so easy to say, so hard to do...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by I Wow (661 days ago)

Yes, for sure! For your better tomorrow... cut this "relationship" NOW

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rititt (660 days ago)

i don't understand. this guy is now divorced and can be with you 100%, why let him go now?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sylvialili (660 days ago)

rititt, did you see this in featherinwind's original thread?

"When I was in US and need help, he was never there. For all the birthdays, valentines and holidays, I was always alone. And since I came back he never called me once. He only kept in touch with me in the cheapest way…messenger, free."

My question to you would be: Why not?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rititt (660 days ago)

but he was married at that time and she was his mistress, so not his top priority. now that he is divorced, they should try to make it work.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by featherinwind (660 days ago)

I am never his top priority. Never was, never now, never will be. He just keeps checking on my availability to make sure somebody outthere wants him no matter what.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by rititt (660 days ago)

if you know him that well and find him not reliable, why the hell you want to continue with this relationship? I know hope is important but in your case what are you hoping for??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by featherinwind (660 days ago)

I guess it is because when we were together, we just felt so right in every way...I never feel the same with any other person...although selfish and immature, he is a nice man with a good heart, a loving and responsible father, a good friend to many people...and his always coming back to my side makes me feel that he does love me...the way he wrote me always touched my heart...he saved all my emails to him, even the mad ones, he told me that since he is single many women want him now but he only wants one woman that is me...but...sweet as it is, I dont see any action. It is only words, always like that. He is a man of "buts". He only says and thinks but never does.
I felt in love with him at first sight and the feeling has never changed. It is very painful to give up on the dream that we will be together some day. Having met him is the most fortunate thing in my life, yet the most misfortunate...it feels like being cursed

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (660 days ago)

Actions speak louder than words, darling.

Talk is cheap.

Promise yourself from this day onwards that you will not be that person who says "but". Leave this guy in the past and start envisioning a brighter, more fulfilling future for yourself.

No, its NOT hard, its NOT easier said than done, its as easy as opening your eyes.

Having a good heart, being a responsible father and being a good friend to others doesnt mean that someone is guaranteed to have the balls to know what they want in life.

Talk, talk, talk...its something you too should do less of and simply do.

Get on with feeling happy for yourself instead of mournful and at a loss.

Focus on what good you have in your life and start visualizing what you will have in the future...dont lean on the past to somehow make your future.

We all have our sad tales of loss and things where we blame or resort to bringing up the past to explain our current negative spin.

Dont be that person.

You can make the change starting now, you are not cursed, you are blessed. You are blessed to have had so many people reach out to you in your time of need. You are blessed with good health and a sound mind. You are blessed with a roof over your head, food in your belly....two hands and two feet. You are smart and gifted woman who can have any man in life...so why dwell on the one that brings up negative feelings?

Start today by feeling better and feeling your future that is full of promise.

Better everything!

You can do it, its easy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by featherinwind (660 days ago)

I will always remember what you just said, Justin. Thank you my friend and your words have given me a lot of strength. I will make it through this, I know. Hugs.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (660 days ago)

Yes you will and when you do you'll won't fret about the time you spent feeling down, coz you wont have time to dwell on the past. Your life is going to be everything you make of it...just kickstart thinking positive TODAY.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by minimini (656 days ago)

Your life is in China now, unless you think of moving back to US or he moves to China. Ask yourself, is it possible ? If not, why not open your feeling to others ? It is definitely the time to let him go now. Dont dwell because of him, he will never be "The One " for you as he is still not good enough.

Start your new life today. Things will get easier if you let yourselves move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)