marriage fell apart

Posted by anns (512 days ago)

All is in a mess now. What should I do? We have a 3.5 yr old kid. Shall I stay and continue my job or go back to my home country. We still have feelings for each other. But couldn't tolerate each characters or attitude.

At a loss...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mpl (part deux) (512 days ago)

Would love to help anns but the situation you've described is a bit vague. Can you add any more detail? What happened and how long have you guys been married? Was it a long time coming or a sudden split?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by anns (512 days ago)

Been married for not more than 3.5 yrs. There are alot of hurts inside me which have not been healed. However, he is a good dad and hubby. One day, we had a terrible arguement which involved my in-law. Of course, being in-laws means that they are not on my side. Now he says divorce is the only option. Each and every time, divorce is in his mouth.
Am totally lost.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (512 days ago)

You make it sound as trivia.... and, just in a rush to finish off things. I think with this sort of attitude you cannot achieve anything constructive.

And the posts to your thread cannot give you a solution!! (seems like you're depending on us to give you one!) You need to work hard which ever way you want.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Gilmore (511 days ago)

Sounds like you need some time out and think about this seriously. As zonked pointed out, deciding to flee the country and get a divorce because of an argument does sound a bit trivial. You guys need to cool off and figure out what's important in your lives and what you are willing to do to make it happen. If he has been a good father and husband, why are you so quick to call it quits? What more do you want from him? You have a child you need to seriously think about.

Take some time out (trial seperation, whatever) and even try counselling. It may help you with your issues with hurt and help you resolve what you need to do. There are no easy answers or quick fixes. Running away won't resolve anything.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by anns (511 days ago)

The MIL says they will not pay any support should I decided to bring my kid with me. I have my job which pays comparably equals to my hubby. I have decided not to claim any maintenance or anything from him. The only worries is my kid, is he required by the law to provide child support and how much? I am prepared to leave the country with zilch support from him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (511 days ago)

You say your husband is a good father. Why would you deprive your son of a good father? And if you think you can just leave the country with your kid...do you think your husband will let you go without a fight? Best to be more realistic. If he would let you go with the kid, then I guess you dont need to ask any of us.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mpl (part deux) (511 days ago)

Yeah actually I'm a little with zonked on this one anns - sorry. But you really have not shared your problem at all - just your circumstance. Big difference. There's plenty of people here who have gone through marriage problems that could help but mate we'd need to know what the problem is. Sounds like you've hit a rough patch and you're just going to bug out? If he's a great dad then I would seriously think about the impact this will have on your child.

So tell us the real problem. Maybe we can help.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (511 days ago)

So much better with your words than I! Doh!

Yes, indeed, do share your problem with us...but elaborate. A lot of us have been through marital diffculties in the past, so we can be of help even if just for the moment.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (511 days ago)

Just my opinion. You did say abt ur in-laws is the problem to ur marriage? Why are they so nosy? And you shldn't worry abt ur in-laws, marriage is between you and ur hubby and since u said he is a good father and a husband, am sure he is not a kid and only listen to his mummy. I agree with the advise given above. First u shld talk it through with ur hubby and leave ur in-laws out of it. Frm how u describe ur hubby abt bringing up Divorce everytime u both argue..he seems immature.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Fyfong (511 days ago)

Have you considered a professional marrige counselor? May be you can gain different insight after seeing a professional. The problem need to be solved together.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Fyfong (511 days ago)

Have you considered a professional marrige counselor? May be you can gain different insight after seeing a professional. The problem need to be solved together.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (509 days ago)

The way she's posting such short questions with no detail (what was the row?) makes it look as if she's hiding something (i.e. she had an affair).

Vague vague vague.

Was it money or sex? And who's the one who is being considered too liberal on the issue (even if the other one might be being overly conservative)?

Anyway, I agree with other comments that if you take the child away from their father, you are doing this in bitterness and won't find many friends supporting you for such a decision.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by New Jersey (500 days ago)

Being that you state that it is all based on character incompatibility, I reckon this is the best time to have in order to grant him the divorce and start a new life. Make sure though that somehow his kid has no problem in keeping a relationship with his Dad especially if you say that the guy is a good father. When it comes to work You have to do what you got to do. I do not agree when you say that you would not accept ay time of child support. The kid is also his too therefore he does need to step in and take responsibility even if you can afford supporting the 2 of your without him. Whatever decision you take think it thoroughly. Good luck and best wishes with whatever choice you make.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Sasquatch (499 days ago)

Best thing that ever happned to my marriage is moving from Fort Lauderdale, FL, where all of my in-laws live to Seattle, WA. Thats about the farthest apart you can get and still live in the contiguous 48 states in case anyone doesnt know that geography. About a month after we got away from her family my wife/life started improving.

In-laws can really poison a relationship if they are too close and too in your business. My Mo-in Law in particular was playing games. She gave me 200 dollars US for helping her put together her home theater and wouldnt let me refuse it, then she told me dont tell my wife. Why? Whats the point of that kind of manipulation? I just took it out and bought my wife a preent w it, and told her.

But if your inlaws are going to be that involved maybe you need to try and get him to go somewhere away from them and see if you can talk it out. Try and separate them from the equation at least for a weekend. Its going to be tough though if he wants them that involved. In FL i had to just avoid anything to do with them and always had to be on my toes about not getting put in the middle or voicing my opinions about things having to do w her family. It left me just wanting to leave. Its hard to be comfortable and happy when you are on egg shells every day.

You've got tough decisions ahead, good luck with them.
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Sasquatch

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Royster Doyster (499 days ago)

An argument with an in-law is no reason for divorce. That's run of the mill. Is something else going on that we should know about?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by the_poor_man (498 days ago)

That's what I'm saying... the argument wasn't about in-laws. The OP didn't say what it was about at all. Which implies it might have been about something she is not proud to share with us.

(I am based in Hong Kong)