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Moving in together...
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
My boyfriend wants to move in with me. I want to move in together once we are engaged (if we are going to be..)
I keep thinkin it's no rush. But he keeps thinking it's about time.
We've been together for 3.5 yrs now. He sleeps over at mine around 3-4 nights a wk.
He said he doesn't want to use engagment as a 'test' to try to see if we will be ok living together. I think we are okay to live together because the amount of time he stays at mine already proves that. I think we are semi-living together anyway..
He says he doesn't agree with me. We would have to talk about it somtimes soon he says.
Any thoughts?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
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Posted by car_lover (550 days ago)
You might wanna look through this link below to get some answers..
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/relationships/threads/97737.asp
Anyways, my opinion is, he shld respect your decision if he really loves u but then u also said that u've been semi-living together anyways, so why need to get engage first? I mean if u both has not been living together then there is a discussion bt since u guys has already been doing it, what is the problem?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
well Semi-living together meaning we are NOT living together in the same flat yet.
So i think my bottom line to live with him is that we are engaged so i would have no excuse not to live together with him.
I just want my own space..but i feel like maybe this is unfair to him.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by annebin (550 days ago)
I think your issue is not one of being engaged first before living in together. You want your own space, and it's an absolutely rational reason for not wanting to live in together 24/7. But is this the ONLY reason?
I know it's not practical, but will you be open to doing a "trial" live-in for 2 weeks and see how you both feel about it after?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Claire (550 days ago)
Are you sure you are both on the same track?
You seem to want to take it to the next step, i.e. living together and engagement as a prelude to marriage. He seems to want just the living together part as a means to an end - although this might not be the case as your posting was fairly brief.
Have you discussed marriage? If marriage is something you want and he doesn't, it's best to get this out in the open before he calls the movers.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
oh no no no Claire - He wants to marry me and have 2 kids..we discussed that already. He's seen all my family and all.
I just don't know when im gonna be ready..feels like i enjoy living by myself so much i don't know if i ever will. He really wants to because he wants to marry me but before that he wants to make sure if we can live together first.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
My question is : is that fair for me to suggest that i would only live with him after he asks me to marry him? Could be anytime after a yr or somthing i don't mind.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (550 days ago)
Well, my mother always said "I wouldnt be happy with you living with someone unless you were going to marry that someone."
Did your Mother say that too?
Sounds like you dont want to seem like a slag by living with him if it doesnt work out...but the thing is, even if he ask you to marry him there is no guarantee you might work out and that the engagement wont be broken.
Sounds to me like he really wants to live with you and sees it as a litmus test of how you will work out together and seems to me like you are scared of him possibly seeing rough patches and you are trying to get the deal "cemented" by insisting on engagement.
Either way, the outcome can be the same.
What are you really stalling about?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
I've been living with differnet people before..and we always ended up breaking up.
Mother doesn't mind me living with someone.
I m abit nervous about living with someone again..Now when we argue and all i would come back to my flat and listen to music or go to bed. Im worried that once we live together i'd have no where to go to!
I know this is being childish but i don't know why im so worried and scared.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Claire (550 days ago)
There is a contradiction:
"He really wants to because he wants to marry me but before that he wants to make sure if we can live together first."
If he doesn't know the latter after going out with you for 3.5 years, how much longer does he need?
Then there is your contradiction. You seem to want the "legimacy" of an engagement, although you seem not to want to necessarily settle down... yet.
You could end up like a couple I know who have been engaged for fourteen years.
First, you need to decide whether you want to settle down.
Then you need to decide why you need to be engaged before moving in together.
When you need to learn why he is reluctant to make a commitment without a "free trial offer".
BTW, have you drafted a cohabitation agreement?
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
Claire - i think i don't really care about engagment..maybe im just not ready to live with anyone yet...Or im just too worried that we may end up hating each other.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Claire (550 days ago)
"maybe im just not ready to live with anyone yet"
It does sound that way.
"Or im just too worried that we may end up hating each other."
Welcome to the world of relationships.
It seems you still have some growing (not growing up) to do. Perhaps, deep in your heart, you wonder whether he is "the one". Perhaps you are concerned about having "wasted" the past 3.5 years if it doesn't lead to marriage.
Marriage, kids, a lifetime together are things which cannot be entered into just because you are afraid - afraid of any or many things - to say no.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
Or my mom and dad got divorced i am not sure i trust marriage. I don't want to be too closed with someone coz i think i would end up like a disaster.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by pinolino (550 days ago)
If you think (and I think so too) you are not ready yet to live together with him, then don't do it. But, when will you be ready? You are both together for 3,5 years and he stays over for 3-4 days a week !!? I think it is fair from him to ask to live together now, isn't it? But why did you combine this relatively easy issue with an engagement? That would "shock" me too...You are not sure to trust a marriage but want to get engaged? I can understand your bf is confused...At this moment the "disaster" is programmed to happen by you. Be happy, your bf takes you serious after such years and wants to go a step further. He loves you !
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by insane (550 days ago)
ok i think we are going to talk about this matter tonight anyway let's see how we get on...
Thanks for all ur messages..
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by pinolino (550 days ago)
Be honest to him tonight and tell him your "fears", your mom and dad etc. Then he will understand you better and both of you will have a good time together. Let us know !
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by balzac (431 days ago)
Hi insane-
So did you end up moving in eventually?
I there such a thing as 'how soon can we move in together'? Or it doesnt matter, so long as you are both comfortable about it?
My lease is expiring in a couple of months. And his 2 months after that. I wouldn't say I'm without doubts but he has been asking me several times and I'm beginning to see that it's not such a bad idea.
(I am based in Singapore)
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