honesty - what do you make out of this

Posted by dolphine2007 (123 days ago)

I met this guy, we dated and things are going well. However there's one little thing that he did, which I found quite odd: at one occasion, when no one was watching, he sneaked some store freebies into my pocket, saying it's for me to bring home to use. Those are not free give-aways, rather they were provided as a nicety by the store and meant to be used only in the store. It bothered me. What do you make out of this behaviour?

- he is cheap?
or
- has character flaw?

I'm interested in your opinion:

- Is this an indication of dishonesty in other areas of his life?

- Am I on a moral high horse? ps: I like free stuff, but sneaking things out just turns me off.

- Should I stop dating him?

If this bears any relevance to this thread at all, I'm Asian and he Westerner teaching English for a small salary.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by kaileyb (123 days ago)

Yes he's cheap and I don't think it has anything to do with how much he earns. Even rich people can be cheap. It's definitely a character flaw to be so petty and take such advantage of the store's generosity. As for whether you should stop dating him, depends on how long you've been dating and how much of a chance you'd want to give him. If you haven't been dating long, then you might want to see if this behaviour continues. If this isn't the first time he's done something like this and you really find it a turn off, then maybe it's time to move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (123 days ago)

I agree with kaileyb totally.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by BumpyDog (123 days ago)

I find it interesting he put the items in your pocket rather than his own - so if anybody had stopped and searched you both, you would have been the embarrassed one.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by AngelinaShum (123 days ago)

I think it's kind of serious behaviour problem, you better disucss this with him frankly if you still want to con't the relationship.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Pumpkin (123 days ago)

Its a bit 9 1/2 weeks to me. Is he otherwise mischievous?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by !@# (114 days ago)

maybe he grew up poor andwas taught this was ok. i'd ask him about it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Kate71 (114 days ago)

eh? what sort of things are we talking about here? it's not like he stole anything and put them in your pocket... these things were free, right?

it sounds like it was a joke or that he wanted you to be able to use these things later as a nice surprise.... ok so it's back-fired but it certainly doesn't indicate some serious personality disorder or character flaw... lighten up...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Electrode (112 days ago)

Feebies that are only to be used in the store?
What exactly were these freebies?
What kind of store was it?
Would you have felt better if your b/f didn't use you as the 'mule' to 'liberate' the 'shop only' freebies?
Why do you like free things?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by maxis (112 days ago)

No, it's mingy and of bad character.

Ok, these things whatever they were were supposed to be used at the store. That is like taking a handful of plastic knives nd forks or chopsticks home.

So is that stealing? Damn right it is! The cost is factored into the meal in smoe sort of way. Just because there isn't a proce take doesn't mean take as many as you want.

Like people who load up on tomato sauce sachets, soy-sauce sachets etc. It is bad.

It shows oportunistic traits - who wants that?

Would you take all the plastic (or paper) cups from a water cooler which was in the waiting room of a building? Same thing!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by LeFacteur (110 days ago)

Dolphine2007,

You actually ask yourself weither you might be on a moral high horse or not, which makes me think you are smart because you are able to question yourself. And if you do that, you are probably able to reckon that you have areas of weaknesses and others of strenghs.
I will not say what you bf did is bad or ok... who am I do to do it, right?
Just a question for thoughts: what is really important? Personally, I think it's a person who loves you for what you are and tries his/her best to show it to you. The rest is just details.
It appears to me here that you are the one with an issue, not him. Just talk to him about it.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Digital Blonde (109 days ago)

test

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by niceneasy (102 days ago)

Dolphine, this sounds disturbingly familiar... I went out with a fellow once who was "cheap". We would go to my then favourite cafe (too embarrassed to go back) and order one hot chocolate, a spare cup and extra milk and then divide the two. Ewww.... This was one of the more extreme examples, however there were a reasonable amount of more subtle indiscretions. I have always maintained that people are not defined by one event, but do note others. This behaviour would annoy me immensely (and it did). No, it isnt the moral high horse either. It wasnt like taking the wrapped cake at a wedding home to have later with a cup of tea. That's different. All the best.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Scutdog1 (102 days ago)

I think that people are judging a little too quick here.

My family was poor and when I went to college, I had to skimp every way I could. I never did anything illegal, but I took advantage of every freebie I could. Some of the stuff I did was alot like what your friend did. It got to the point that it was like a game.

Looking back on it, I was bothered by it and but at the same time I realized that it was the only way I could put myself through school (along with whatever loans, scholarships and grants I could get my hands on). That was the reason I made it a game; to ease my conscience. It took me a few years after school to get out of that mentality.

Bottom line, yes, he may be a cheap jerk, but I would not rush to judge without knowing more. But for those who rush to judgement, yes there are those who are so poor, that you gotta do what you have to to get by.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Hala Rious (99 days ago)

yeah, are'nt we all being a bit presumptious here

afterall, waht exactly were these freebies?

were they mint scented toothpicks - maybe he was politely trying to tell you you needed to get your teeth cleaned

were they mints - maybe he was trying to hint you had bad breath

were they serviettes - maybe you needed to get rid of that booger

until we know what exactly the freebies were, we're in no better position to say wheter the problem was with him or you!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by IbuBapak (99 days ago)

Was this food? Sounds a bit Napoleon Dynamite to me. I wouldn't be so alarmed by him taking some freebies than by him putting them in YOUR pocket and not his own. What's next? Shoplifting at the department store, only that he slipped the items in your purse? Unless you have difficulty finding men to date, I would seriously consider dumping this guy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by TingbuDong (93 days ago)

Yeah, I also think people are jumping to dump on the poor guy. If it bothered you but you didnt say anything then let it go.

If it happens again, politely and without making him feel bad tell him you aren't comfortable with it and why. Then give him a chance to act differently. If it is a pattern of him doing things you think are dodgy even when he knows you disapprove then cut him loose. But first cut him a break. He doesn't even know there's a problem yet.

And what were the things? And how many we talking. A couple straws and a ketchup pack is different from smuggling a weeks supply of toilet paper out of a restrnt, LOL.

(I am based in Guangzhou)