30-40

Posted by 45828s (137 days ago)

Currently seeing someone 40 yrs old, I am 36. We had sex after 2 dates. Didn't expect anything out of it, other than just good conversation and sex (At least that was the original plan).

All we do is get together after work, cook dinner, watch DVD and work on laptop. We'd been doing it more than 3 times a week for 2 months already.

We are both out of practice of having a relationship. Both of us are divorced several years ago.

Should I see him less and try to do more normal dating activities? like dinner outside etc. I am confused about how I feel towards him. I like him a lot, but maybe I just miss having someone there after a tough day at work.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (136 days ago)

Dear 45828s,

Well, its human nature to take a moment to assess what it is you are doing in your life and why. Its a good thing. Do you feel like you want more? Or do you think that you SHOULD want more than what you currently have?

You like him, I am assuming he likes you. You do "coupley" things together. You feel all domesticated and hypnotized by the normalcy of it all. What do you want, really? Are you happy? Do you feel like you are living? Or do you feel like you are existing?

You have to know what you want, duckie...none of us can tell you what normal is, nor whether you should be doing more, not unless you yourself know what will make you happy. Is there something so wrong about feeling comfortable where you are?

How much do you desire this man? Does he make you feel secure and happy? Does he make you laugh? When you are away from him, do you look forward to seeing him again?

*bounce* Right, the ball is in your court...answer at your own leisure...just think long and hard about it first :o)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by freedom (136 days ago)

to Justin Credible,cant agree with you more. nice point.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by 45828s (136 days ago)

He makes me feel happy and secure, but not intoxicated. I look forward seeing him, but I don't lose sleep if he can't make it.

Everything with him is just so reasonable...

When is a good time to take the leap of faith? With 2 middled ages person...I guess it won't happen soon

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (136 days ago)

Dear 45828s,

Well, maybe the lack of intoxicated emotions has more to do with, as you say, the two of you coming from divorces and being, to a great extent, a bit more realistic about what you believe will work and what will not. Then again, maybe you two are just cautious? Or the other thing could be that you arent madly in love but are willing to stick together for the companionship and affection. I mean, you feel happy and secure, thats a good thing, at least it was a good thing the last time I checked. :o) You look forward to seeing him but you dont lose sleep if he cant make it...again, a very grown up way of looking at things and has a lot to say for how secure you feel, because you arent sitting there freaking out that you wont see him again! I mean, sure you will miss him, but you wont wilt and die if you see him in a few days, you know you will see him and thats all that matters.

Everything with him is reasonable...isnt that a good thing? Do you mean resonable as in boring? Or reasonable as in...wow, I never thought life could be this simple and stress free!

What "leap of faith" are you talking about here?

A leap of faith to accept, yes, I deserve this, I deserve someone who treats me right, I deserve to be happy and secure.

OR

Are you talking about marriage? And if you are talking about marriage, its never too late to get married, but question is, do you both want that? Have you discussed it? And if you havent...do you think you'd be happy with just being together for as long as you stay together? I mean, what are your reasons for wanting marriage a second time around? Statistically they are even less likely to work...would you be happy without marriage?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 45828s (136 days ago)

kids, we are both big sucker for babies.

really?! I thought divorcee will handle the marrige better, since it's the second time around.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (136 days ago)

Dear 45828s,

Ok, cool, so now its clearer. Kidlets. You both love em and I am assuming neither of you have any sprogs? Thats a good reason to go on and tie the knot, for sure.

Hey, dont take my word on it about the second marriages...those are the statistics, eh? You know, like 50% of modern marriages end in divorce...the second time around, you'd think you were gonna be doubly sure of making it work, but then apparently folks are even less patient with faults, or so the statistics say. Once you have had the chance to walk out of something, you are less likely to want to stick in something when the time gets tough.

BUT...

If you two feel like you are being given a second chance, you both want kidlets, and you both want to try marriage while promising each other to be good to each other and communicative (which is where a lot of the cracks in a foundation come from, communication breakdown and assumptions that the other person "knows" how you feel/think/hurt) then I see no reason why two older, wiser adults can't make marriage work.

A lot of folks marry real young and get divorced after realizing that they simply werent ready...and that "til death do us part" simply takes too long. I reckon, you being 36, if you want kidlets, get crackin, y'know? All that stuff about "you arent getting any younger" its true...you arent...and not like you need to freak out, but not everyone is like Madonna or Salma Hayek who probably get a helping hand from a man with rubber gloves when it comes to conceiving at 40! If you two want em, and are happy to make em together, then dont hesitate and wait on some fancy "right time" coz really, there is no right time. The last time you got married, you thought that was "the one" and that it would last forever, it didnt...so if what you have now feels right, take a leap of faith.

You only live once. And hell, if your second marriage doesnt work out (for some horrible stroke of ill luck) at least you'll have a beautiful kidlet to show for it. :o)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (136 days ago)

I suppose what you are disappointed about is that you went from zero to cruise control in no time at all... without all of those bumpy romantic adventures usually encountered on the chase. You found and caught each other and that was it. In many ways, I can see what you are disappointed over... that anticipatory experience, the slow getting to know one another, learning a little bit more about each other with each new date, and finally the realisation that yes, this may be the one etc.. etc...

For you, it's been "That chair and desk over there is empty... you can take it if you want..."... It's comfortable and no drama, but then again, little excitement.

JC says this is maturity, and in many ways she is right. I think we can all forgive you for wondering if this is really what it's all about, but in all honesty, I think it is not a bad thing at all. You both seem to need stability and an easy pace.

My suggestion though would be for you to go away on holiday together, and experience some fun before you settle into children and take out a college plan. Try to build some memories together, and learn a bit more about your partner in a variety of contexts. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time, and that it will inject some much needed romance into the picture for you. This will take your mind off of the question of did you really get to know this person and have some formative times with him before you settled into the lifetime plan.

Relationships are more likely to survive the strain of children if they are formed on the strength of the attachment between mother and father. That is what you must try to establish before bringing kids into the equation. It is your relationship with this man that would be the model and primary influence for the behaviour of any children you have. If you intend having children, I really recommend that you build something emotionally first with this man. Despite your ages, two months together is a very short period of time to be planning marriage and family without a sense of a solid base beneath you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (135 days ago)

flashback is right, again! Hell, I could do with soaking up some of that sound advice myself! Lol. Oh yeah, definately do the ol "know each other longer than 2 months" thing. (Pardon me for missing that completely, I must have speed read a little too speedy). :o)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 45828s (134 days ago)

Thanks, JC & flashback for the advice.

You 2 are absolutely right, I should be grateful instead of having doubt, I deserve this, I deserve someone who treats me right, I deserve to be happy and secure.

:)

We both decided to stop being so analystical for now. Now, it should only be about good times and fun.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by Justin Credible (134 days ago)

Indeed! Analyze less and just "be". You know? Too many people spend time worrying about what if, what could be, what might be, what, what, what? And get all bent out of shape about what they should expect, what they maybe could expect or what they arent expecting that might suddenly sneak up on them and bite em in the *bleep*.

Quit stressing...just enjoy. Maybe what scares you is how fast you have moved and how comfortable you feel. Dont feel scared. Just enjoy it like if it wasnt meant to be, it wouldnt have happened, but it did, so dont be alarmed that it did. Y'knowaddi'msayin?

Live in the now, chica, always live in the now. Make every moment count by living with full awareness of being present. :o) The future will come when it comes...

Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hila Rious (134 days ago)

live every day as though it would be your last as one day you'll be right!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by !@# (132 days ago)

justin credible, are you female?

(I am based in Hong Kong)