- Adwords
|
|
|
- Macau expat forums for advice on restaurants, domestic help, apartments, travel and more.
|
|
Thinking positive in a relationship...
Posted by junenie (202 days ago)
Hi friends,
I have been with this great guy for 8 months. We are from quite different up brings, while we both understand the differences in us, we both put in effort to make the relationship work.
Though we communicate all the time, there will be times we have argument.
What we argue is really quite minor, mostly are small stuff but they sometimes elevates to an issue that I feel they become fundamental problems for our relationship. For more than once, I expressed to my boy friend I am afraid we will fail though we so love each other…
Never a moment I doubt his integrity and sincerity for me and our future together. But when argument arises, I can't let it go and tend to think it is the end of our relationship. Therefore, I try my best to avoid any confrontation (not that happens all the time, but just in case). As a result, I feel suppressed of my own emotions or how I express myself, and feel the pressure that I must appear to be okay when we are together. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am not happy with my boy friend, I love him. It is the things in life that I know we are so different, take the household maintenance for example; he is extremely neat in keeping things in place, while I am just the opposite. Diet wise, I cook Chinese and it is greasy to him. He does not complain but I know these are few of the differences lies in our root.
I think the problem is more about me than my boy friend. If I am so happy and sure this is the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life, why I am feeling so dreadful when conflicts happen? I know no matter whom I am with, conflicts will happen and it is WRONG to wanting to run away whenever there are conflicts.
I have spoken to psychiatrist in this field, trying to figure out how I could change the way I react when times are bad in a relationship. Unfortunately, what I have received are mostly conclusions of why I am the way I am, rather than practical advice.
May I ask if any of you have come across similar situations as I do, and somehow react similarly? Or know any psychiatrist who can help me out? I really, really want to make this relationship work.
Thank you so much in advance for your help.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Find what you are after in our Macau A-Z Directory
Posted by wonderfulday (202 days ago)
psychiatrist can't help you. what you need is psychologist/ relationship counsellor if you think you really need one. Psychiatrist is more for mental problem (real problem am talking about here, which would affected you daily life functions)
Just my 2 cents, you are too serious in your relationship and putting pressure to yourself. am not saying you shouldn't be serious. You should, in the mean time you also need to learn to enjoy what you have and lay some simply rules in your relationship. he's neat you are messy. If you two are living together, make rules like your space and his space. he keep his part as clean as he wants and you do what you like in your area. and what to do in the common areas. just like sharing with a house mate. about cooking, there;s plenty of chinese cooking are not oily, how about less oil or steam for a change?? or let him share the cooking and see how you like it !!. I know a very loving couple they eat different thing for dinner. why not? hey, you can eat the same thing on the table but not talking at all. or eating two different thing but enjoying each other's company and having a good time.
If you see this guy is a person to spend the rest of you life with, you have to know it all about compromise and respect each other's space.
In lot of case when people having such issues in relationship could lead to the childhood, relationship with the parents or the relationship of between the parents. if you think this bothers you so much do go look for professional help. look for psychologist or counselling. there's counselling services you can find online (not to do it online, but get phone no.). or else go to a GP (who has some psychiatrist or psychology training. who will understand if you have a very bad headache for days. except to check on you psychically is that anything wrong with your head but also will ask are you having pressure recently that stress coz you pain) than he or she will refer you to a psychology or who ever they believe they can help you)
You are not alone out there, most Chinese women has the same thinking - my most happiest is to have my love one feels happy. (ok, if anyone going to say Chinese woman want money and sh*t, pls hold on and post it somewhere else.) It is great but when you work too hard on it you will start losing yourself and get frustrated when you find other started to take advantage from you. coz they are not, they've spoil by you and just stop realising what you need. they think you are happy and satisfy. Tell you partner what you are worry about and work things out. relationship need two people to work it out together. if you are the only one doing all the work and he's not. that's the time you should think again is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by junenie (202 days ago)
Hi Wonderfulday,
Appreciated very much for your sounding advice. I must say I feel much better after reading your reply and also talked to a close friend of mine.
You are right about me being too serious in this relationship. I heard the same from my boy friend that I am trying too hard some times. He has also made the comments that I should enjoy the relationship more. I worry too much also...
It may be a dumb question to ask (seems that I have never been in a relationgship), how do you just enjoy a relationship? Like I know the possibility he is relocating somewhere in Asia, I tell myself he is doing his best to stay in China and do not worry when the relocation is confirmed (it is yet to be confirmed). I just can't help to feel sad and somehow the sadness shows.
When people talk about don't think much, just enjoy what you have, I try to understand exactly how this can be done?
I apologize again for throwing a new query here. I am a tense person by nature, though I am doing much better to relax and take care of myself after work, I think after all I am still too tense, and people around me will feel the tension. I try to losen up, with friends, I am so much more relaxed. Am trying to learn how I can be the same funny and jolly person when I am with the love one? Is there a secret to it?
Thanks again,
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Little Carmen (202 days ago)
All the minor differences you talk about are nothing more than the two of you not being the same person. These differences is what makes you unique. I mean, its totally possible for an untidy person to make a consious effort to not go all Pigppen on her tidy partner, right? And its also possible to use less oil in chinese food. I know a lot of brilliant, non-greasy chinese recipes, I mean, in the end...too much grease is gonna make you a good candidate for a heart attack, who needs to rush that hospital bill? Right?
You dont need a shrink, you just need a change of attitude towards what you have. You seem to have a pretty decent relationship. But you seem to want it to be perfect and in doing so you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to conform to some unrealistic level made up solely in your head.
I made the mistake of doing what you are doing. I was married once...and I would just bottle up my annoyances with the then husband (and now ex husband). Over time the communication between us really did break down and by the very end, I simply blew up and was full on cussing him out and wishing he'd rot in hell. Of course the relationship we had was a lot worse than yours with your bf...you're bf sounds like he's nice enough for you to say something insecure like "I know the problem is mostly me" or whatever...dont be so hard on yourself, girl. You're just having a bit of a down patch.
Its important to communicate your agreements and disagreements. Running away doesnt make the other person a mind reader, it only makes you a coward. With time and self assurance comes understanding and maturity. Think more about why you are the way you are, why you dislike confrontation. I grew up with a very domineering mother who would always put me down or say things like "because I said so and you will do as you are told" when asked the question "But Why?" So I grew up hating being yelled at, hating ever getting things wrong and all in all hating myself and thinking I wasnt good enough.
Dont be that person who is so self critical that you make yourself unhappy when there is no need to be. Life is for the living and we are all different in our own ways. Be happy in every moment and live in the now...stop thinking so hard about the future...try to be happy in the now and this will make it a good past once the future becomes a now. :o)
Peace.
PS - I am an anxious person too, and I think too much and stress a fair bit at times, but I have learned to slow down and just take a breather. I work on a lot of positive thinking techniques and visualization and also got into meditation. Whenever I feel like the world is closing in on me, I meditate...or I get an early nights sleep. :o) Think positive, be kind to yourself and dont try living up to some unrealistic expectation of perfection, there simply is no such thing better than just being yourself and accepting yourself and others in all that glorious uniqueness.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (202 days ago)
Basically, you feel insecure. There could be a whole lot of reasons for this. It may be a difference in upbringing which makes you feel not as prepared for the same lifestyle as your boyfriend, so you are constantly anxious to please. Or it could be that you are just naturally a 'worry wart' as you say.
Reading between the lines, which may or may not be the right thing to do here, I intuit that you basically don't think you are suited to this man. You are on edge most of the time because you fear his disapproval, or else you fear that you cannot be the person you need to be for fear of appearing inappropriate to him.
I don't think this is a good way to be. Maybe you are uncomfortable with this man because basically, he's just not the right one. Maybe he fits all of the 'must haves' on your list, but you don't really gel.
You keep thinking you have to live up to his idea of perfection (and it seems you clearly know what that involves). Personally, I think you should just be yourself, say what you feel, and do what you want...and see if he still loves you... putting it to the test is the only way you are going to resolve this matter. Don't keep pretending to be someone you are not just to keep the peace, or him.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by junenie (201 days ago)
Hi, I am going through difficult time but thanks for all your advice. I hear what you said and I am trying to figure out what I am able to do if I choose to stay in this relationship.
My boy friend and I actually had some argument and it leads to a turning point for both of us, he will be away for two weeks for business, we decided not to make any decision before he returns. He called me as usual to say hi and I have arrived, but I know he is hurt because of the argument happened the night before he left. I am going through this self examing period myself, but do not want to rush to real dececsion (stay in or not) yet.
He called yesterday evening but I left my phone at home. When I returned I saw missed calls and he left a SMS telling me he called many times and would catch me today. I called his China mobile (he said it will be on and it has been on before when he was away, so I can always reach him) but the phone is switched off.
I left him offline MSN message but haven't heard from him yet.
I try not to think he is being upset for the argument the other night and also the fact I left my phone. That is why his mobile is switched off.
There is nothing more I can do while he is away and the phone is off. I guess I would just have to see if he calls back sometime.
In any case, the fact to me remains, yes, we have problems, I definitely need to feel comfortable and secure if we will continue what we have; I am totally aware of the possibility that he is not the one for me. Maybe that is why I am feeling sad.
Like anything, time will tell. I will not rush myself or him.
I appreciate so much for you taking the time to help me. I have also spoken to good friends of mine, I certainly need to modify my own attitude and behavior when conflicts in a relationship arise. That is something I will work on whether I am staying with my boy friend or not. The improvement will benefit me.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by len_in_shanghai (200 days ago)
It sounds like he got so pissed off he decided to get some fun on the side. At least all the MSN and phone stuff points that way.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Little Carmen (199 days ago)
Len, stop it, dude...sow your demon seeds of doubt on your own turf...just leave the poor girl be. *SMH*
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by junenie (199 days ago)
Hi All, I am keeping myself busy. We talked later and I basically just told him how I can do about myself. The outcome of us (being together or not) is no longer the top priority for me. If I could be a better person and handle my relationship better from this one, that will be a good thing.
Thanks Carmen
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by len_in_shanghai (198 days ago)
yeah yeah always better to heard a nice lie than an honest truth...
Hope things get sunny for you, june
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by flashback (198 days ago)
Tell it to someone who believes you Len.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by len_in_shanghai (198 days ago)
is not about believe in me or not. Is about not be blinded by facts. Simply read the facts as they are and not as you want them to be. Objectiviness is the name of the game, and a bit of salt.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by flashback (198 days ago)
Len, the construction a person puts on something determines its 'factualness'.
So many 'facts' turn out to be no more than an event with a subjective spin.
I suggest,as Little Carmen does, that Junenie takes a 'wait and see' approach
Even the 'occular proof' to quote Shakespeare's 'Othello' can be read falsely.
You have a low view of human nature, so - to you - everything points to a particular conclusion. Cynicism may have been a survival tactic for you for so long that you do not credit anyone with a capacity for a motivation beyond self-interest.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by len_in_shanghai (198 days ago)
Flashback..."you do not credit anyone with a capacity for a motivation beyond self-interest" sounds about right!
As for the rest...yeah you go wait to surprise your hubby with another woman in bed to go get your STDs tests done...you do that.
After all, we guys are all stupid and have no ability to hide extra marital affairs, right? After all, the guy is in another city, has problems in his relationship, and switches off his phone...that is a trip to hooters in my book, but then again it may not.
What I wrote before, and what I write now, is to be a bit objective about the things you see and hear, instead of a personal reading of the facts.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by aloneforaday (197 days ago)
i have some problems with my boyfriend as well.. and sometimes its all me.. nothim..yeah we have the same "im-messy-hes-not thing" coz i am messy..i am basically a slob and i work as a dh in hk.. butnits kinda differnt i a way coz if i am working,i knoew i have to do a good job with it otherwise thats it... i get the sack but when i am with him, i feel like its my turf.. i dont have to be entirely "organized-and clean" coz when i am with himi can be myself.. i dont have to worry about getting fired with him for doing a botched job.. but then again i stil have to do it.. it takes time to understand and reconcile with it though..but you have to.. my bf doenst exaclty like filipino food.. too "unusual" for him and his friends got this stereotype with filipnio women (Basically thinks tha filipnio women are "ho's)that i have to constantly fight against.. (im sure y'al are aware of what that stereotype is) i mean im no different coz i am a dh.. but it takes a bit of work on the girls part.. have been with my bf for more than a year now but we still have some issues to work on...
point is.. it takes a bit of patience and understanding fron the gf point.. ifyu love you gf as much as yu say you do... you can find a way to work on it... im still wokring on mine... its hard but you have to...
fight against what he thinks what a girl from your rac group should behave..
prove hin wrong... it will be hard.. but who knows..it may worth it in the end..
give yourself time.. and him too..
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (197 days ago)
aloneforaday... that's good advice.
Yes, Junenie don't become negative, and unnecessarily suspicious. Be yourself, and be happy. I am sure if there was something there in the first instance, and this man has shown you in the past that he cares about you, then you ought to relax more and accept the relationship, and who you are a lot more.
Fighting dehumanising stereotypes is hard. Fighting our own fears and doubts, often harder.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Little Carmen (197 days ago)
Amen to that last point: fighting our own fears and doubts...they are the hardest. Just go easy on yourself...be kind to yourself...sometimes the greatest battles in life are with the self.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Pupalicious (193 days ago)
Why are you over thinking things? You can't agree on everything, my boyfriend and I have some very strong differences of opinion. Not everything has to result in an argument and not every argument has to result in a breakup. I've had some blazing rows with my boyfriend, but they just make us stronger. Making up is the best part!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by junenie (193 days ago)
Hi especially thanks Flashback, I didn't expect to receive so many pieces of good advice. I was gone for holidays back home for a few days and surprisingly to see more response to my message.
Thank you all for sharing your opinions.
We talk over the phone every day. He will be back to Shenzhen in about a week. I think by then I am more prepared to talk as a friend. I often think myself makes a better friend than girl friend for I am not as demanding and sensitive. I think if I may withdraw myself once a while, I will certainly be more tolerant and feel more at ease in this relationship. Which is good for both of us.
Flashback, I also been thinking reasons for me to stick in this relationship. Yes, we have differencies, yes we fight and nobody will budge. Though I understand all couples fight but when it happens, the feeling sucks and I tend to bail out. It seems like all the good things happened are of no existance.
He asked me before why I love him, to be honest, I do not really know the answers. I guess I was glad I found a person who is willing to have a future with you yet available. And he is a nice person. I couldn't really predict what everyday life will be like if this is the person. The intial passion has taken us through so far, now we know each other better, it will definitely take more than passion to sustain a relationship.
I am working on it, irregardless, I wish him well and happy.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by flashback (193 days ago)
I'm glad you are feeling better Junenie.
It's interesting that your boyfriend wants to know why you love him. I don't think I have ever been asked that question directly, but I suppose for me the answer as to why I love someone would be - considering the men I have fallen in love with - quite simply that I love them. I don't really know why. It is some sort of gift actually. There are plenty of people I like and who I could probably have a nice time with and a half-way decent relationship, but very few people I have actually loved.
I can also tell you that in the few times I have fallen in love, it was almost immediately, and in the case of my marriage that love lasted for nearly 30 years and is still present. The relationship feed the love.
One loves because one loves. Who knows why. Even so, there are men that I have loved that I didn't much like, and in the end was pretty darn glad to get away from, even though I still have a strong feeling for them.
Love is like that. If you love him, tell him that you love him - that it is inexplicable but that you also like him as much as you love him. For me, I loved lots of things about different men - the way they just knew when to call or comfort, or the way they would cook a meal for me or when they did something 'sweet and kind'... that made them loveable, but I didn't particularly like certain bad habits or obstinancies... As Pupilicious says... those things are normal not to like in a partner.... so long as you love him.
Let him know that you do... and not just like him... there's a world of difference.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Little Carmen (192 days ago)
That was beautifully put, flashback :o) and totally gave me a case of the warm fuzzies. I know exactly what you mean.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by beancurd (191 days ago)
junenie,
you never mentioned about the arguments you always had with your bf. It is very petty arguments if he cannot eat your chinese food because it is too greasy. You can eat your chinese food and you can cook his boiled potato w/ butter. That is fair for both of you...My husband hates my Filipino food but it is okey for him that I cooked my Filipino food and immediately apologize that he has to bear the smell of my food. And I cannot eat boiled potatoes with butter all the time. So he understood that sometimes, we have to eat different food.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Little Carmen (191 days ago)
To be honest, if we look at Asia from the eyes of a foodee, the philippines wouldnt be at the top of my list when it comes to food...I mean, I love the place, love the people, but the food...oy veh! Lol. Hey, beancurd, you shouldnt have to apologize for your food though, if you are cooking him "his" food, then really, thats more than enough. If he wants to complain he can cook his own food, eh? lol.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by !@# (180 days ago)
Junnie, did someone ever make you feel like they'd dislike you or leave you if you argued with them? Were your parents ok to let you argue with them? maybe you never learned how to express an opinion which differed from that of your parents without being scared? my husband had to be patient with me to teach me that it was ok for me to argue with him and in fact, he'd find me boring if i just said i like everything he likes or if i agreed with him all the time.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
|
|
|
