married men and male mid-life crisis

Posted by millian (328 days ago)

Please can anyone share their experience?

How do you cope with this - really infantile behaviour plus 'falling madly in lust' with a 'masseur' half his age.

Has anyone lived through this and succesfully come out the other side?

do you stay or do you go?

(I am based in Other)

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Posted by ador (328 days ago)

Hey there, Do you mean that you are falling in love with a married man? I didnt really have this kind of relationship (you knew, means falling in love), I was interested in a married man, and he also interested in me (i sense it), we pay a lot of attention for each other and "flirting with eyes" always, the big problem is we are working in the same office, so I try to ignore him as I really dont wanna get hurt and it's not good to have this kind of affair in office, becos I knew I will get nth gut hurt and he has nth to lose. Recently I sense that some people is gossiping about us at the office, becos people knew that he pay attention in me.

So do you mind to share your situation? or we could chat in private, i do need help in this kind of situation sometimes.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (328 days ago)

>ador - you dont need any help at all, unless its a simple dose of reality or basic respect. If the guy in your office is married, simply dont go there. Do you want to be the married woman who has her husband robbed from her? Think about it. Simple respect for the commitments of others. It shouldnt even be a question. Also I do believe that millian is coping with her husband falling for a masseur half his age...so its not like she's going to want to private message you about what you should do about the married man in your office who you have been "making eyes" at.

Wow, people! When will folks learn to simply not go there with the married folks? What do you expect to get out of it besides a guilty consience and some bad karma? *SMH* Its not worth it.

>Millian - oh dear...fallen for a masseur, eh? Is it one of those naughty "happy ending" type masseurs or just your average run of the mill "fix the crick in your neck" numbers? I suppose it doesnt really matter, does it? I mean, it hurts to know it just the same. What has happened? Has he said he wants to leave you? Or is he just saying he has fallen for Ms.Magic Hands? How long have you two been married? Any kidlets involved?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ador (328 days ago)

Carmen

Thanks dear, I knew what I should do and you are right, that's why i'm ignoring him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by john23694 (327 days ago)

I donot see anything wrong having an affaire with a married man so far as it doesnot lead to marriage.this is an emotional issue.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by kristatu;ip (327 days ago)

Oh! Come on!
They're a lot of available single guys and girls out there - why want to get yourself get mess up with married ones and be the 3rd party. Very Silly, indeed.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by TGIF!!!! (325 days ago)

millian, so sorry to hear your man is acting the fool! First off, see a lawyer to know what your rights are. Get all your ducks in a row - believe me, as hard as this is emotionally to deal with, it's even worse if he decides to mess things up financially for you, too. Also, see a counselor, even (especially!) if he won't. DON'T let him have his cake and eat it.

check out www.survivinginfidelity.org
There are some really supportive people who've been where you are now and they have great advice and info to share. Only you can decide if you want to stay, but you can't do it alone.
Whatever you do, please take care of yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by T Bone (325 days ago)

Please DO NOT have an affair with a married men. They are extremely selfish and cheap. 100% sure. They should go to hell instead of having an affair with YOU!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by millian (324 days ago)

Little Carman and TGIF!!!! thank you so much for taking time to reply

I think the comment by TGIF sums it all up as far as I am concerned- acting the fool. Where she is concerned she has admitted that her motivation is money or a passport. (she is at least 25 years younger than my huband). It appears there are two possible men on her radar (both married) and the first to give her a passport or provide money will 'win' her! - He is aware of this but just seems to 'be in lust' with her that he cant accept this as being true. Are men really so naieve?

However I am in the secure position that financialy I am OK and what little money we have is in my name (no joint accounts). It is also my job and payment of rent and bills that enables us to live and work in Hong kong.

Many thanks for the website - I do have a wonderfully supportive councillor but this its just the sort of additional support I need.

It is courage and strength that I am finding it hard to find at the moment especially when you have been with someone for many years and survived many traumas together. I think if this realtionship was a 'love' match I would find it easier to make the final decision!

Thanks again to both of you for your support

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Little Carmen (324 days ago)

Answer to your question about whether men really are that naive? We all are...not just the men. Arent we all? We are all human, right? And once you have been in a relationship, entrenched in it, where you slowly fail to notice each other and expect you will simply just be on a daily basis...yeah, he is, as a man, being taken for the pony he is. Easily led. Maybe he is feeling more of a man, feeling like he can protect someone, and maybe he's flattered...its not until he loses everything he had that he will realize how screwed he is.

Truth be told...ups and downs, sure...but show him the door and let him fend for himself for a bit. If its your job and payment of rent and bills that are enabling your life here, let him see what it means to have pillars holding a roof up.

Men and women can both be stupid. Therapy can keep you sane but it wont solve your marital problems. It will give you the tools to solve your problems. Final decision is just...well, see if he will come to his senses when he doesnt have the comfy option of messing with the masseur while still warming his feet under your duvet! I mean...yikes. How does all this make you feel?

It seems you are more puzzled of what he is thinking, about whats in his head...I mean...how does this make you feel? It cant make you feel good. Confused? Hurt? Disappointed? Betrayed? Scornful? There is nothing more damaging than losing all respect for someone you love...just dont lose respect for yourself as well, hmm kay?

Your husband is a chump to fall for the charms of a woman 25 years his junior...but hey, he wont be the first chump out there. Some women dont care about what they ruin/take...and this one, in her own way, is simply trying to crawl her way out of the crap hole she is in...can you blame her? She makes your husband feel like a knight in shining armor. I think your husband should know better and have greater integrity when it comes to the vows he made. If all us women blamed the other woman for our husbands not keeping it in their pants, pff, we'd be in a right mess! Men need to take some ownership of being neandrethals who dont think but women need to take more ownership of spring cleaning and curbside aimed kicking.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hila Rious (324 days ago)

this infantile lust for the younger woman at 40 pretty much rates up there with penis envy at 10, searching for poonanie at 20, and the must have convertible at 40

it part of the 10 year cycle and it won't last, so don't react too hastily

once he figues out that the new love of his life makes debbie does dallas look like a saint, he'll be back

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by TGIF!!!! (323 days ago)

You're welcome, millian.

As for wondering if he really is that naive - many people seem to have the talent for lying to themselves. Or maybe he knows why she wants him and equally why he wants her and it makes sense to him. Either way, does it matter what his motivation is for screwing up your marriage? He's made a detrimental decision about your marriage without your consent, YOU now have the decision to make whether to walk away or wait it out. If you think divorce is tough, it might actually be the easier road to take. Reconciling with a partner who's betrayed you is NOT easy and it won't be easy for him either, tho I'm sure he isn't thinking of that now.

You have my sincerest sympathies and hopes that you can find the strength to make the decision that's right for you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (323 days ago)

I agree with TGIF...I mean, its all well and good to say "its a cycle, it'll pass" I mean, Its one thing to say if you were MARRIED to him through the infantile "penis evvy at 10, searching for poonanie at 20 and the must have convertible at 40" but you werent married to him through all these supposed stages, I mean...what a load of **** to try to get women to put up and shut up! I mean, I am not some knickers in a twist feminist but I am someone who believes that having respect for yourself and the persons in your life is the highest quality a human being can aspire to...if you cant do that, if you cant be arsed, if you sit there trivializing this disrespect, then hey, the consequences are yours to wallow in. *SMH* I just dont get the whole "Pfft, its no big deal" number, why bother with anything at all then?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hila Rious (323 days ago)

au contraire.........your advice is in the same vein as my advice in that it is a rational response, i.e. neither of us can evaluate this situation with anything more than our rational faculties

millian, on the other hand, struggles between head and heart

so, in order to set her straight, she needs to make an informed decision, and that means evaluating the situation with both the head and the heart

so far here, she has been getting a one-sided head response to add to her personal heart felt feelings, I was merely providing an alternative, albeit unpopular with the feminist, view

life is what you make it, sometime sh*t happens, sometimes you smell the roses

roses won't be so appealing if not for the smell of sh*t

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by BumpyDog (323 days ago)

I agree with Little Carmen - boot him out immediately.

When he's homeless and struggling with finances Ms Massuese might suddenly lose interest, plus he'll realize how much you do for him and will probably come crawling back with his tail between his legs.

Whether you take him back is entirely up to you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (323 days ago)

Well, how's that for stopping to smell the roses! Hehe. I know what you are saying Hila Rious. Head, heart, pshhh, whatever...how much head and heart has her husband been using then? On a scale of 1 to 10?

I am sure at the end of all this the decision is millians' anyway. I mean, we arent brushing her teeth for her or tying her laces...and we most certainly arent having to sleep in the same bed with her husband nor share the air we breathe with him. To her this is all real, painfully so, and its confusing...so yeah, you are right, she needs as many peoples opinions on it before she can sort some of the confusion out...Different people have different "bs" thresholds, mine obviously is set to "low"...my mother on the other hand, had hers set to "max", 37 years later my folks are still married and I'm quite happily divorced. So yeah, I dont know...if this is the only life we have, we each can chose to do with it as we please, life is only wasted on those that live in fear.

Bumpy Dog has a point...like a smack head needs to hit rock bottom before they decide that clean is what they want to be...this husband of hers has to know what it feels like to taste dirt before he is aware of what he is throwing away or what he is messing with. If this was the other way around and a man was having to deal with a cheating spouse and her manicurist, hells no...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hila Rious (323 days ago)

well, the choices avaialble to anyone is dependent upon time

in your 20's it is relatively easy to tell him to bugger off and find yourself another
the choice here is "do I settle for this scum bag or do I find another price"


in your 40's it becomes harder and the choice reduces to "do I settle for this scum bag or am I prepared to spend the rest of my life alone"

for a similar situation, the choices change over time and the change is a result of how one's changing perceptions and values

at this juncture, we know absolutely nothing about millian or her background, her ability to look after herself, her adaptibility, her responsibilities, her personality, her likes and dislikes..........etc

sometimes, in life, the obvious answer is not the correct answer

divoce in many cases solve an immediate problem but almost inevitably bring on other problems

all life changing decisions should not be taken lightly (marriage included) nor taken with short term view of things

the love shared between two people is not something that can be easily discarded because one person has stumbled along the way

please note, I do not in any way condone what hubby has done, but what's done is done and it now more important to look ahead and see if the relationship is worth salvaging

this should be done, not in the heat of the moment, but when one has sufficiently calmed down to be able to look at everything in perspective

then and only then will one be able to know what needs to be done

like marriage, divorce is a choice............and we all know what a big mistake marriage can sometimes be :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by silopanna (323 days ago)

Please google "surviving infidelity." The website listed under that name has amazing resources to help you cope with this. My dad used this site when my mom was unfaithful. I hope this helps.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (323 days ago)

"in your 40's it becomes harder and the choice reduces to "do I settle for this scum bag or am I prepared to spend the rest of my life alone""

So true, man, so true...thing is, more and more women are opting for solo holidays and Qt with their grown kids than to put up with said scumbag, its not the end of the world. Plus, incase you missed it, Millian actually has a good job, pays the bills and what not...I am quite sure you are not condoning his behaviour, you do have a very well thought out perspective...and I am sure it would be nice if Millian could just look at the problem objectively, but if the hubby is (as per what she says) STILL bonking the masseur...well, its kinda ongoing, isnt it? When will it end?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by TGIF!!!! (323 days ago)

I do not agree that millian's choice is "do I settle for this scum bag or am I prepared to spend the rest of my life alone"!

Rather, the immediate choice is whether to put her life on hold while she waits to see if her husband will decide to recommit to their marriage. At that point, she could again give HIM the power to decide what their marriage becomes.
OR she could decide now to separate and file for divorce now or later.

The idea that a woman in her forties (or any age) is "spending her life alone" if she is not married is ridiculous!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (322 days ago)

Yep, the life lived in fear...of being alone, *SMH* is a life half lived! I would rather fly solo than be married to a complete and utter chump!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by BumpyDog (322 days ago)

Indeed. And it sounds like she's supporting hubby while he dallies with the masseuse. how insulting.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Little Carmen (322 days ago)

That said, Hilary Clinton's speech writers would agree with Hila Rious :o) hehe.

I mean, I agree with the point about how no decision should be made in haste...but if hubby continues this fling with the masseur...how long is long enough to be "not in haste"?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hila Rious (321 days ago)

only she can tell how long..........

it varies from person to person, for some its 6 inces, for others it's more

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Poseidon (305 days ago)

hi,
Dunno who can advise why is it men in their 40's married life; not only their sperm motility is low / sleeping and their sperm is even if radiculous below 1 millions as I had no choice by kids thru IVF (ICSI) with lots of painful injections

Sad

(I am based in Singapore)