Desperately unhappy

Posted by helinski (246 days ago)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We were having some problems (he works very hard and I feel second rate to his job) and decided to get counselling (or rather, I wanted counselling and he agreed to go, although he's seeing no issues at all). I was also diagnosed with depression 4.5 years ago and have been taking medication since.

Before we had a chance to do that, we went on a holiday overseas where I was happy for the first time in many years. I also met someone there who made me feel as I've never felt before - this sounds totally silly, but I have the whole butterflies in the stomach, unable to breath, weak at the knees feelings. We didn't act on our feelings because I would never be unfaithful to my husband, and the man is also too honourable to consider cheating.

When we returned home about 10 days ago, I found out I got pregnant on the trip (my doctor told me over a year ago that I couldn't have children), and have descended into the darkest period of my life to the point that I am having suicidal thoughts everyday. I haven't been able to get out of bed or eat or stop crying. To complicate matters, I also just got offered the career opportunity of a lifetime last night.

I feel so guilty for not being excited and happy about the baby, particularly when it was thought that I would never have this opportunity before. But I haven't been able to stop sobbing violently for over a week. I miss the man I met and I miss the feelings that I had, which I've never felt before with anyone else. I don't know what to do.

(I am based in Other)

Posted by buddha plastique (246 days ago)

Sweetpea....dont cry! I am telling you, I know what you are going through...depressionwise, I mean. You may think you are crying and desperately unhappy about the pregnancy and you may feel guilty and angry about not being happy.

First things first....CONGRATULATIONS!!!

If it was considered a miracle that you would conceive at all...and you did...then rejoice. Forget about who the dad is, forget about this man who made you "feel" something for the first time in a long time, forget that you actually suffer from chemical imbalances in your brain that confuse the crap out of you....LIFE....that is what it is...a series of events that kinda push and pull you...life is about pain and suffering...but if you really have always wanted a baby, forget whether you believe in God or divine intervention...this is your chance. I kid you not...you know, deep down, maybe you wont get another chance, right?

I was in your shoes once...and I am now the mother of the most amazing kid ever...I am not with his father anymore...and well...I wouldnt change the way I did things, not one single bit. Sure I was unhappy at the time...and well, I still went on and got that job, pregnant and all! Just didnt tell the boss until it got so frikken obvious that I wasnt just "gaining weight" Lol. My boss at the time was laughing coz I told him, all nervous, when I was 7 months along! He was all "I was WONDERING when you were going to tell me!" Lol.

If you need someone to talk to...contact me, ok? I can help the best I can, I am a good person to unload on :o)

And remember, suffering from depression...when those negative feelings come, they feel so real, but you of all people should know that they are not. They are a chemical imbalance in your brain and hell, being pregnant will have your hormones going all over the place...talk to a professional, please! You CAN do this...

You are not the first person to have felt "butterflies" for someone else while married to someone else...dont worry...its normal! Remember, your "feelings" and "emotions" are all mind. You need to work on making your mind an ocean...yes, you are all these tumultuous emotions at the surface, but beneath that you have to remember is a whole body that remains the same volume, never changing...calm...

If you need a recommendation for a good therapist who will be a real calming influene as well, let me know...I know someone who can help. Bit pricey, but hey...what price would you put on your mental wellbeing?

Chin up...life is NOT as bad as you think it is...its all a matter of "mind".

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hee Larius (246 days ago)

methinks you should quickly patent this as it has the makings of a good soap

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by helinski (246 days ago)

Thanks Buddha for your kind words... I should clarify that the my husband is definitely the father of the baby. I have never been unfaithful to him, and hopefully never will...

I am concerned however, about bringing a child into the world when a few weeks ago our marriage was on the line. Now it seems all is ok to him and I think the denial will come back and bite us later. Divorce is so much uglier when there are children involved.

In any case, it's a great struggle even to get out of bed and wash my face each day. I am constantly sick and have lost all appetite, I don't know if I can sustain this for 9 months.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by buddha plastique (246 days ago)

You wont be sick for 9 months straight! Trust me, it will pass in a month or two...and if its really that bad then they do have meds to help with that. I had HORRIBLE morning sickness and pretty much knew the inside of the toilet bowl much better than I knew my own husband back then.

Divorce is ugly no matter which way you look at it...but dont you think...well...if you are suffering from depression...that you should talk to someone first? I mean, you say you thought you couldnt have kids...do you think you would feel less guilty about having an abortion vs not being as happy as you'd hope about having a baby? Especially when you dont know how much a child can make your life so much worth living? You dont know that yet, but like I said, talk to people...have a little faith in yourself...

I know your husband is the father! Oh come now :o) I guess my choice of words was not clear...what I meant is...it doesnt matter...none of those things matter...when you are depressed...its like every little thing just adds up...like trying to balance delicate champagne glasses one on top of the other, over and over and over...and at some point it all crashes down.

Learn to compartmentalize.

What is the most important thing? Well, women have kids with or without husbands. What is most important to you? If you honestly feel you dont want a baby at all, then consider not having one. But if your reasoning is "well, the marriage was going bad but now its good but it will only get bad again" (which, as you know, is very negative thinking...although understandable when you suffer depression) or "I cant be arsed to keep feeling this sick" or "I dont want to deal with divorce and a kid at the same time". Your fears are all about a future you cannot predict...nothing you say is positive or optimistic, dont you see it?

Honestly, talk to someone...maybe this is your beginning cry for help because you have no one to talk to...you feel lost and alone and you need to be able to vent about things you fear you will be judged about. Dont be scared...its normal to feel so confused. If I was in your position, I would be too...matter of fact, when I got pregnant, my husband and I werent married, he had asked me to have an abortion...but I decided I was ready. It wasnt money, we didnt have any, it wasnt the right time or place, but I knew I was ready, but more importantly...I didnt think I would get another chance! I thought I couldnt have kids...thats what I had come to think up to that point...so when I got pregnant, it was a bit of a miracle...the rest would follow...

I am telling you...just talk to someone. Loss of appetite and morning sickness is the least of it. If you are feeling lost, reach out and talk to someone who can help. Your negative thinking isnt good for you or the baby...and yes, the hormones are making you doubly emotional...just...see a doc, a therapist...and more than anything, talk to your husband, be it in therapy together or whatever...voice your fears...because the first year of a mothers life can be the lonliest...so you should be prepared to build your support network if you decide to have the baby.

Morning sickness doesnt last 9 months...come now...try to see beyond your clouded mind. :o)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Gentlee (237 days ago)

All I can say, it is the hardships in life that define us. It's how we deal with it and how we come out of it. It seems, according to you, that your child is a miracle. I don't know what your religion is, but what ever the religion, your are blessed and should feel blessed. I feel, that your feelings is all of the flesh. Think about your husband. Bring your true nature out. Be real. Life is about sacrifices.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Bubas (235 days ago)

Dear Helsinki,

I really sympathize with you. I know what it is to be depressed ! Your baby is just a miracle. Enjoy each single moment of your life and pregnancy. Life is short. ENJOY ! Do you love your husband ? I mean, if you still feel for him, your are the luckiest person in this world ! Kick your a** ! and see how life can be beautiful. Do spend to much time to think how bad things are. Take care of yourself, go for a massage, relax do everything you can to have good time !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pumpkin (231 days ago)

Get some counselling and don't feel pressured to have the baby if you don't want it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by helinski (228 days ago)

Thank you all for your concerns and kind words... I deteriorated so much about two weeks ago that I couldn't get out of bed or eat. Was sleeping about 20 hours a day and my husband had to remove all sharp objects and medicines from the house and was with me constantly. I also lost 5 kgs (I only weigh about 53 to begin with). We went to counselling together and I became much better. I actually got dressed last week and went back to work!!

Unfortunately I lost the baby yesterday - I can't help but feeling guilty for not wanting it in the first place and blame myself - even though my doctor has always had concerns about my pregnancy from the beginning. I know I still have a long way to go before I could get better completely. So I am going away for a two-week R&R, then when I'm back, will continue with the counselling (both with my husband and on my own).

Thank you all again for your kind words.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by graemecarter (228 days ago)

Even though losing the baby is a bummer, it will help you in the long term. You need not carry around these feelings of guilt and depression. And you can take up the career opportunity of a lifetime!! Put the baby stuff on hold for a few years, sort yourself out, and things will become even better.
See - it wasn't so bad as you thought - every cloud has a silver lining.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kakakaka (228 days ago)

do u have to work or stay home only

try to do something to make your life much meaningful rather than just wait for ur husband

sometimes, we have to learn how to mange our lives by ourselves. It will be happier. this is my experience

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Elodie (226 days ago)

Dear Helsinki,
Your depression doesn't seem to be due to an unhappy marriage or a lack of children, since it predates your marriage and supposed-sterility.
I am sure you have now realised that your husband serioulsy cares for you and that you are not second to his job, after he took care of you when you were so unwell. It is even possible that he burried himself in work because he didn't know how to deal with your depression.
I am saying this because I don't understand why you sought counselling only after years of medication. Medication is only good if it goes with therapy.
Depression makes us unable to appreciate anything good about ourselves and our lives. Therapy will help you find out why, and your therapist will help you overcome that monster inside you that makes you feel threatened by anything positive that happens to you.
Perhaps what you have (a loving husband and professional recognition) doesn't make you happy because you somehow feel you don't deserve it or that it is too much. Perhaps you suffer from low self-esteem because of something in your childhood or past experiences (your feeling of guilt about everything you do or don't do makes me think that). You will appreciate everything you have once you've discovered what's been bothering you for all these years and you have dealt with it.
You probably don't realise how positive it is that you posted here, and that you are getting help! It shows you want to be happy, that you want to live and want to beat this!!! You're doing the right thing getting help, and your husband is now doing the right thing taking it seriously, that's a very good start!
Be patient, though, therapy can take a long time, but it's the right way to go at depression.
I hope you see the silver lining soon.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purefit (196 days ago)

what work do you do helsinki? i am thinking maybe it is not the job that makes you happy? can you cope with it with your depression because sometimes it all becomes too much.

(I am based in Hong Kong)