Dazed and Confused

Posted by rwkarr12 (254 days ago)

After almost 5 years of marriage, my wife wakes up one morning and just loses it saying that she is not happy in the marriage. Apparently, I don't do enough to help out. When she is home, she takes over and does everything her way. She always blames everything that goes wrong on me or someone else and you cannot give any criticism or she gets extremely defensive and hostile. She is making herself sick. I honestly think that she is under a lot of stress from work and finances (she always wants to have her own finances and be independent). I do my best to help, but I also work long days. I've suggested counseling, but she days she doesn't need it. I think that I am her only outlet for the frustrations. I am not perfect, but I'm not the root of all evil either. The other day she blamed me because she missed a bus and that I hadn't gotten her the schedule a week ago when she mentioned it??????... so it was my fault and she was really mad at me. Anyway, I am rambling. I know that she is a good person down deep, but I am afraid that she needs some help and I am the last person that she wants to accept that help from. What to do?... Split up. Divorce, Seek Pro Help?????

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by buddha plastique (254 days ago)

Sounds like you two arent exactly in love anymore, doesnt it?

Do you have any kids? If not...do you love her enough to get help? If not...cut your losses, dude...You only get the one life to live, sit her down, tell her you arent happy, you dont know what she wants, you want to be able to make her happy but you feel that she is putting unfair pressure on you and taking her frustrations out on you when its totally uncalled for. Tell her if she doesnt know what will make her happy, how will you know? You need love and appreciation too, not constant criticizing...Ask her where she sees you guys going in the future...and that if she doesnt think its worth saving, maybe you can both say you tried your best.

It sounds like she is controlling and you are doing the best "dont rock the boat" impression you can...You dont mention a whole lot of the warm fuzzies going on...so I think, communication, dude. Its the cornerstone of every relationship. If you dont talk to her about what she is doing to you, you cant expect her to read your mind. This kind of person, even if you DID get that bus schedule, even if you DID do more...it would never be right or enough.

You need to stand your ground and be a man, take charge and quit feeling like its you that needs to save her. She needs to sort that out herself. You are not Jesus or Buddha or Mohammed...aint no mountains gonna be moved by you if she doesnt take advice from you.

You arent perfect, sure. She isnt perfect...sure. But doesnt mean you have to take on her problems and accept them under the "Well, no one is perfect" thing...we all deserve respect. If someone doesnt treat us with the same respect we give them...all the patience and understanding in the world would be wasted...

If you want to save it, truly...then talk to her...tell her you are lost, you dont know what to do, you are unhappy...and ask her what more she wants from you coz you have long since run out of ideas on what would make her happy. Perfection isnt a destination...but Joy and happiness are the things we all treasure in life...being independent and having her own finances shouldnt be a problem...and maybe she's stressed, but thats her own doing.

If she's really that unhappy, let her go...if that will make her happy. I mean, do you want to be the one who held her back from her happiness? I mean, how badly do you want to keep her? Is it just your worry that she needs help what is keeping you there?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Elodie (247 days ago)

I disagree with Bhudda whatsit. It doesn't sound that they are no longer in love, there's nothing in the post to suggest it. If HE didn't love her anymore, why would he bother with this post and seeking counselling??
Frankly the "cut her loose if she's not happy" attitude works with a two-week date. This is his WIFE of five years, come on.
rkwarr, I think you're going in the right direction with counselling and trying to talk, sounds like your wife is really under pressure (whatever it is), and acting unreasonably as a result.
I am someone's wife, too, and sometimes i get very frustrated with him, i feel like I'm about to explode and blame him for everything, all for no good reason... basically because he cannot read my mind, and I'm lying in bed thinking "how come he doesn't KNOW how I feel? How come he doesn't realise this or that". Eventually, i calm down and realise I didn't say anything to him, how is he supposed to just KNOW?
Maybe your wife is the same.
Maybe both your jobs are too demanding and you haven't found time to be together and relax. Perhaps you can start with that, and then you can mention the counselling again. Cook dinner together (or order it, actually, if you can't do anything right in her eyes at the moment, you may start arguing about how to slice a tomato) and discuss the tensions you've felt were poisoning your relationship lately. They MUST be dealt with.
Discuss, analyse and TALK. Even is she doen't want couselling, she must realise that you need to talk out BOTH your frustration: she's fed up with you for whatever, and you don't understand why you keep having your head bitten off.
Perhaps start with asking how work is instead of asking what it is you've done (avoid attracting attention to yourself when discussing her aggressivity). You may find out about this pressure she's under, and it will take her mind off your "faults" to start with. Then you can move on to the tensions between you, AND HOW TO EASE THEM. Finding solutions, rather than venting your frustrations, must be your objective. It may mean wroking more reasonable hours, though, are you both prepared to do that? Can you do that?

I hope things work out. Divorce is sad and leaves scars, it's silly to divorce because you couldn't talk. I did, and I still feel like a failure about it, even now that I am remarried and happy. Marriage is about commitment, and you seem committed to making it work. That's good.

Just a minor note: you need to rethink your household position: there should be no such notion of your "helping" around the house. What's this about "helping"??? Are you a guest, or a member of the household?
Get real about that. You're not "helping". You're BOTH doing the daily things that need to be taken care of in a house, that's all.
Hope this helps.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (247 days ago)

Elodie is right. As a woman, I feel sometimes that we demand our men some how work out what our real problems are and try to fix them.

Incidentally, I'm not like that at all. Can't shut me up for all the things I want to communicate to my man.

Anyway, point is, communication is very important. Have you told your wife how you feel and that her behaviour is making you consider a divorce?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rwkarr12 (247 days ago)

Thanks everyone... I am really impressed with the sincerity and depth at which all of you have responded. Obviously, situations are much more complicated than can be expressed in a blog of this sort. Things have calmed down and the advice is really appreciated. I will work as hard as I need to to make this better. I am confident that it will work, although it may take some time, patience and understanding on both parts..... I am sure it will be worth the effort.

Thanks again!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aulelei (247 days ago)

Hey rwkarr, as embarassed as i am to say your wife actually sounds a lot like me when i started out here in HK. I couldnt see it at the time, but i was so highly stressed and taking everythign out on him, quite frankly because i had no one else to take it out on. My poor bf couldnt put a foot right with me, and pretty much anything he said would result in me ripping him a new a'hole. The fact that he tried to be understanding made it worse, cos how could he possibly understand what i was talking about - if he did, he would have prevented it and we wouldnt be fighting in the first place. Yeah i know, a real Class A b*tch i was. After one particular meltdown, he then asked me if i was truly happy... cos he had never seen me so stressed and unhappy, and if i wasnt, to make changes for myself. If that involved leaving him, he would accept it. If it involved leaving my job, he would accept it. Him confronting me with the way i was acting, and that it was unhealthy for both of us and our relationship - something just clicked and i realized i had been a jerk the whole time ... and boy did i regret the person i had become!

I think there is still hope to your marriage, and if she's like me, its cos you are an easy target that she dumps on you. It cant go on though, for both your sakes, so I'd def try and talk with her in depth... I bet she'll open up and hopefully regret it too :) Good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by buddha plastique (246 days ago)

>rwkarr12 - excellent news, mate! I am assuming you two are communicating a little better. Like I said...no one is a mind reader...talk, talk, talk...but then make sure that talk is accompanied by action.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Bubas (245 days ago)

Aulelei,
So good to here I am not the only one...!
My hb is often worried as he thinks i am not happy..I have some reactions sometimes..I just don't recognize myself..I hate myself sometimes..I don't know who I am anymore sometimes..It starts to be better (after 6 months in HK...) but I know I can still improve and be the one I really am.


rwkarr12 : be patient with your wife and explain her she is the only things that matters to you. Tell her you see she doesn't feel good inside and you can deal with that. But she has to remember each single minute of the day that you are here to help her and that the only wish you have is that you can do something for her to feel better..
Show her you love her..write her some small letter, small words everywhere in the house..buy her a rose..
she needs you...if she is like me...the person you love the most and you need the most is also the one you show the most how bad you feel.....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hee Larius (245 days ago)

women need to feel wanted and loved.........its that simple

tell her often you love her, she's beautiful, and a wonderful person

eventhough you don't mean it, it'll save you a lot of trouble and let you get on with your life!

(I am based in Hong Kong)