lost and broken

Posted by bbc88 (260 days ago)

in the past year I have tried very hard to mend a broken relationship but it has not worked. I have been depressed for such along time and I am an emotional wreck. It is like an addiction that I have. This guy still sees me but is unwilling to commit to me as he wants to be alone right now. he agrees to see me as he does not want to hurt me and enjoys my company but offcourse my agenda is different as I am always hoping for us to be back together again. It has got worst recently as he may now cut me out of his life totaly. we clearly can't be pure friends but I just don't know how to let go of him and us. I feel lonely and desperate and at the same time hate myself for holding on to him and will jump to the chance of being with him which means neglecting other aspects of my life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (260 days ago)

Aw sweetie, I know just how you feel.

When my first boyfriend dumped me I thought it was the end of the world. I kept sleeping with him in the hope that he would remember the error of his ways and take me back. When he cut me out his life, that was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I didn't realise it at the time because obviously I wanted to be with him, but it gave me time to move on and take some time for myself.

Be glad he wants to stop seeing you, because you don't have the strength to stop seeing him. Use this brake to take some time for yourself and think about what you want out of life.

If you feel lonely, see your friends, keep yourself active. Join some clubs or sometime to meet new people. I strongly believe in the rebound shag because I think it makes you feel attractive and helps you to realise that he isn't the only guy who's ever going to love you, but everyone is different.

Stay away from him. It's hard, but it's the only way to get over him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bbc88 (260 days ago)

thank you for that. I will try harder this time but its not that easy as I work in the same company as him. It just makes me ache when I see him around and unable to contain myself and end up going by to talk to him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by f.4sale (258 days ago)

sorry 2 hear that, I am also in the same situation ...well kinda...my relationsip has gone for 12 years...and we started having problems after 7 years...and it just dragged on and obviously it was not all that bad but if I had a choice I'd rather broke it off 5 years ago...there is a time limit with girls...so if there is no future, u need to break it off otherwise it is just a waste of time and 5 years later like me, there r more lines on the face........and 5 years ago, i was still sparkling.........

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by F100 (258 days ago)

if you are going through Hell....keep on going....

make a plan...
go out with friends, join a club, read a book, exercise...
do whatever you need to keep busy and happy.

good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (258 days ago)

F100 and the others are right... The only way over this is through it. We've all been there and it's hell on wheels.

You've got to accept that this man is not the one for you. He doesn't want you, but don't blame yourself.

Get the right perspective on it. He's chosen a different path. It's over. Now you have to rebuild your own dream. Look into yourself and get reacquainted with yourself. Think about all of the things that gave and still give you pleasure, and do them for the sheer joy of being kind to yourself in a way that others haven't been. Help and listen to others. Don't talk about this man again. Put everything away that was associated with him, and cut off communication with him. Don't stop - get involved... clean the house... do stuff as F100 said. Go to funny movies... and learn to laugh again before your depression becomes your personality.

He was the wrong one, or quite simply - he's gone. We all have had to accept this at some point or another. Choose to live fully again.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bbc88 (257 days ago)

Thank you all for your encouragement. I am such a miserable cow right now. Today is the first day of cutting all ties buts its damm hard and I see him at work. Please tell me why does he want to continue to be friends with me and says he still loves me, cares very much for me and misses me at times. How can he carry on as normal and be happy with what he is doing and just be a friend?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pupalicious (257 days ago)

He enjoys the attention and wants to feel like there's someone out there who wants him. I've done it, a lot of women have done it, and I'm sure men do it. There's no hope of him getting back with you, don't even think about it.

I was still sleeping with my ex for 3 months after we broke up, fooling myself into thinking he'd realise his mistake and take me back. He even slipped once and said, 'Kisses for the girlfriend.'

Everyone feels good about themselves when they know someone has a crush on them. I am very happy with my current boyfriend, and have no intention to leave him or cheat or anything, but I was VERY jealous when I heard that the guy who told me he likes me got a girlfriend.

I think it's just him being him. Don't cling to any hope that he wants you back. He probably thinks he's doing you a kindness.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by buddha plastique (256 days ago)

Ouch...you see him at work? Yet another poignant reminder to never date someone you work with! You poor dear! Well, chin up, time will sort you out.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (256 days ago)

"He doesn't want you, the guy is not for you, there are many out there, there isn't an 'only one'," blah, blah, blah.....

Been there too. Every relationship is different. Some are easy to give up. Some are just not.

Going through the same situation right now. He doesn't want me. But he loves me..... And me?? I just cannot stop loving him. Cannot get over him. unsurmountable task. Yet, I have done that earlier with a couple of men.....

So, what is the solution?? Nothing really. Time?? No way! Being hurt by him?? No way! So what?? Start dating?? Oh God, makes me want him even more! Am I weak?? Not at all.

You just want him. But how??

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by F100 (256 days ago)

There are probably a million reasons why he is doing what he is doing.
Some of the reason may be,
1. Low self-esteem - he feels special if he thinks someone loves and needs him;
2. He has a big big Ego
3. He's a selfish Pr--K.
4. Total Loser.
5. Childish and immature.

Whatever the reason, Who cares.....
the end result is the same....
Grief, sadness, disappointment, frustration, confusion....

you can't change others, but you can change change your behavior.
The guy that you love has serious problems or issues that needs to be sorted out.

The choice is yours,
more grief for you while he works out his issues, or do something else that makes you happy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (256 days ago)

Choice. Yes. That is everything.

And yes, he has made his choice. He has chosen what he wants

So, no need to wait for anything. Being a fool by still wanting him?? What do you tell your heart? How do you covince your heart to stop wanting. To stop loving.

It is tough. Has to be done. Maybe, it will never happen -- will never get over him.... and how stupid to not be with someone you want to be with so very badly.

No solution.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bbc88 (255 days ago)

Tell me how is it the men think/he thinks that he can be friends with me despite our past relationship and knowing that I still love him and want something different from him? Why should I offer friendship?
I have said no and he is ok with me cutting all contact but its not what he wants.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by buddha plastique (255 days ago)

Why care about what he wants? I think, as the Dalai Lama says, if someone takes advantage of your goodness, that is bad, that is not ok. You need to take care of yourself first. So just...sort yourself out, do whats right for you. He had his chance, so let him fester in his own mess.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by pebbles1 (255 days ago)

of course it is not what he wants bbc88 as you are no longer there giving him an ego boost!

guys who put women through this kind of thing generally do so cause they are hedging their bets.....meaning they want someone else who hasn't decided if they want to be with that guy or has said no but the man still hopes for them to change their mind & in the meantime he doesn't want to be lonely/alone so keeps you close to fill this void but rest assured that he would dump you the min the other person clicks their fingers..........is your self-esteem/self value so low that you would let someone walk all over you like that?! Why aren't you saying to yourself: "hey I am better than this & deserve better" then cut him off & forget about him. Its not meant to be. Whilst you are wasting your energy on him you could be missing out on the right one for you! you may know this person already, even if you don't, men will pick up on your state/frame of mind & not approach you/run like hell & then you have lost the opportunity to be with someone who wants to be with you 100%.
You need to sort yourself out emotionally before you can start attracting the right person, they won't come near you otherwise.

Have you considered talking to a life coach/counsellor? I know a very good one - a lady who is qualified in both those areas - coaching & counselling, PM me if you want her details otherwise goodluck with it all & move on, the quicker the better :-)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (255 days ago)

Ditto to everyone above.

Most men's favourite (only?) topic of conversation is themselves. They love it when you are worried about them, thinking about them, dreaming about them, even when they say they don't. Many hate to think anyone thinks badly of them. Men who keep a string of ex girlfriends around, or even just a few, on good terms, to talk about all of their current or latest problems, loves etc. are not uncommon. Watch that film 'Holiday'... quite a ghastly pic in many ways, but the writer who keeps the British girl on the string is so identifiable as a male stereotype that it helps the film 'work'.

A broken heart IS terrible. I've had mine broken more times that I care to remember, but that is it - one does get over these people, and the only way is to let go. Yes, it's absolutely painful at first, but it does get better as you get stronger and realise you are free to enjoy your life once more. It does happen that you grow back into your own life again.

Love is addictive. So is pain You have to tell yourself that yes, you are actually enjoying that film, ice-cream, book etc... Stop talking about him, do something else, and soon he will fade as if you pressed the button yourself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by bbc88 (255 days ago)

I just want to say thank you all for your words. I will try very hard to follow through with this and hope that I will pull out of this state. To stop loving someone is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I really can't help hoping at times but I know its really silly. I have become an addict to this love and pain I admit that. I did think that I could wean myself off him bit by bit but it got worst so I guess its cold turkey from now. I realise he does have issues himself and I too need to get myself sorted. Thank you all again and I hope that I will have some positive news to post in the near future to you all.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by pebbles1 (254 days ago)

Good girl!

Stick with it, it will not be easy but VERY worth it in the end! You deserve someone who loves you & only you & will find this when the time is right.
Be strong.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Philly Cheese (254 days ago)

The guy wants his freedom. There is no point in hoping he will come back to you. It is unlikely that he will and why waste your time when you can be your own person again. It's not going to be easy but the quicker you start the quicker the healing process begins. Cold turkey is the best medicine. My rule of thumb is 1 month for every year together.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by candice billove (254 days ago)

1 month for every year? really? you must be a very determined woman. it took me a year and a half to get over a 4, almost 5 year relationship.

bbc88 i really hope you're still keeping up with this! best of luck, esp when you need to see him at work - you'll soon realise you dont deserve all the hassel and heartache from the wrong guy because the right one won't give you any of those.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by pebbles1 (254 days ago)

I agree 'candice billove'.

You can not put a time on things like this as there are too many things to factor in, the most important one being that we are all individuals & therefore handle/deal with things differently to others.
If someone can get over a relationship quickly then good for them, however they are probably the lucky few or one of the few who's relationship broke down along time before it ended officially & so had already gone through this process in a different way.

It will take as long as it takes & in reality there may be other issues that person has to deal with that are the real reason for why they are finding it hard to get over someone who they thought/think they love/loved i.e. low self-esteem.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hee Larius (254 days ago)

You're going about this the wrong way.

To get him out of your system you need power. Right now this is in his hands.

Believe it or not, working in the same company is the best thing you ahve going for you in terms of wresting power from him.

You do this by seeking the "R" word, yes, good ol'fashion REVENGE.

Steps to take are:

1. Look around the office and id a guy that your ex either hates or has spoken badly of before.

2. Make a bee line for the guy and start flirting openly with him.

3. Better still, flirt with 2 or 3 guys

4. Change your dressing style and show more cleavage and legs

5. Soon, he approach you and ask what you think you're doing

6. Tell him you've found this new freedom quite energising and stimulating

7. He, being a man, will soon want in on the challenge and chase

8. Don't date him right away and tell him you'll pen him in for next week or so

9. When you do go out on that date, be sure hell try to bed you.

10. Let him, but make sure you act uneasy after the act, then confess to him, he's actaully got a pretty small willy compared to so and so

11. He'll slink off into the sunset dejected and crushed.

12. You'll stride on triumphantly and into another messy relationship.

13. Repeat as often as necessary.

Good Luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by KiwiCindrella (238 days ago)

time is the best healer.
love yourself.
take good care of yourself.
you are very special person,dont let external events disturb your peace of mind.

(I am based in Hong Kong)