Bad Internet dating experience

Posted by yummy_cake (375 days ago)

I met a guy overseas in the Internet. Last month I flew there to meet him. The first date went very well. On second date we had sex in his home.

Immediately after the sex, he aleady showed a change in attitude, not touching me. He even didn't come and stopped in the middle of the sex. So it's not a good sex.

More terrible, he wrote to me on the following day not to see each other as we wouldn't lead to a marriage. But I never mention to marry me in our dates or no hints of this at all.

It is very bad that on the remaing days of the trip, I was almost alone in a foreign country, being hurt and heart broken (maybe too soon to say this word for two dates, but don't know what other word to describe)

I felt very terrible and loss of pride and dignity, like a punch onto my face.

How come this guy is so cruel. If he find I 'm not his type, he 'd better not show interest to me or ask me to sleep, instead of doing this to me after that

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by selda (375 days ago)

I am sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds familiar, as i met exactly the same type of man a while ago. Luckily i didn't visit him, he came to HK.
But yes, very similar behaviour. He has since removed his profile, and disappeared into thin air. All my calls and emails went unanswered.

I think he might be married, or just a mental case.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by selda (375 days ago)

By the way, is he German?

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by yummy_cake (375 days ago)

he is not a German. But I have been to his home, so I knew he's single. But I already knew he had something wrong immediately after the sex. So I didn't call him, and very sad that he didn't call at all even after I left

When I got back to HK, I got his email which was written on the day after the sex saying that he wouldn't want to see anymore because he felt that it wouldn't lead up to marriage. But I never mention that he should marry me on the dates

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (375 days ago)

well, in this case another psycho to add to the list of men to watch out for.

The guy i met was very much into me during our first date, lots of sms, emails, he then came to HK again two weeks later, the build-up was amazing, so when we ended the evening in his hotel, i thought we both wanted the same thing.
He suffers from PE, so sex wasn't very good, but i didn't make a big deal of it, i was just as loving as i would have been in different circumstances, but his behaviour after sex was very weird, distant and very passive. He kept writing, and we arranged to meet up again, he never showed up.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by selda (375 days ago)

if this is any consolation, at least you didn't date, write and called for months...you found out pretty soon what a messed up person he is.

It hurts because you invested time, and energy on this guy, and probably had high expectations, but in the end, you will forget him as soon as a nicer guy walks into your life. It happened to me, and though i am still pissed off, i understand that i will never get any closure from this jerk.

Just keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong, he is the one with a massive problem.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by yummy_cake (375 days ago)

I think ur friend's busy dating others as well now.

For my case, I thot there'll be a development potential, bcz the guy got an offer to work in HK. It's so cruel that he said we shouldn't meet anymore immediately after the sex even he'll work in HK the next month.

I look in the mirror, I'm not that bad, even not worth the second date. I'm well educated, good looking... just why...I really felt a hurt of pride and self value, and not being appreciated.

It's very difficult for women nowadays. Some men (not my dates, just friends who could talk something he wouldn't tell his dates) told me he would quit if the women had no sex with him on the first few dates because he got many offer outside.

However if you had sex too soon, men will think you too cheap and gone as well.

That's why so many single women out there. Men are psycho these days

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (375 days ago)

It has nothing to do with how many dates you had before sex. I slept with him after 1 month and a half of romantic involvement (albeit from a distance)and two dates that started early in the afternoon and gave us the opportunity to talk for 12 hours non stop.

On the other hand i married someone i slept with immediately! Go and figure....no rules, just right or wrong people. Some relationships start slowly, others are like a vulcanic eruption which you can't stop. If a guy likes you and respects you, he doesn't keep count of how many dates you had before sex. Time becomes irrelevant, because the time of passion is very very subjective.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by yummy_cake (374 days ago)

We had sex on the second date.

before that we had email correspondence for a month. Anyway this's the right feelings behind.

I agreed to what yo said. However too many bad guys outside. NOwadays it's really very risky to go with your feelings because you never know you will be hurt or not after teh sex.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

don't be too negative...after the jerk i met a very nice guy...same dating site. My behaviour hasn't changed, i look, talk, and think in exactly the same way...but this guy likes it and never played any games...so refreshing.

There are hundreds of toads and very few princes...you just have to keep kissing toads i guess, and one day one will pleasantly surprise you. Of course, there are a lot of very appealing toads around, so it's tricky, just kiss them knowing that 9 of 10 don't turn into princes....but you will not know until you have kissed them...Just go for the yummy ones...at least the heartbreak is worth it!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (374 days ago)

Welcome to the www... well the web within a certain region of the world...

There are countless tales of folks being seduced by words and an anonymous persona per say... one poster on this site recently admitted to being totally fooled and seduced by someone who was semi-engaged to another poster of this site... and most of the folk using the personals on this site use the same handles and cut and paste messages as they do on fiendfinder... Just post an identical profile on each and see who replies... wine cellar/pilot/yacht-owner/tinker/tailor/etc etc... tis far more revealing than google.

Just out of interest has anyone had a positive experience of internet dating?...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by HK01 (374 days ago)

hate to say this, but is sounds like you flew to see him, just for sex. Nothing you can do, so just chalk it up to a bad expereince and move on

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (374 days ago)

My flying over was not just for him. Actually I got the business trip to his country. And I finished the job, and take some days of annual leave and met him.

As I know he will be working in HK next month, so I think it's worthwhile to explore any possibility for development

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by HK01 (374 days ago)

Why would you think it's worth while to contact him after he already told you he has no interest, did not bother to call you and treated you poorly? Are you despirate???

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (374 days ago)

Did you read through the whole thread what I wrote. Or your bashing mind has blown away all your comprehension ability?

I told in the thread that I sensed his change in passion immediately after the sex on that nite, and I already decided not calling him even I was alone in a foreign country. And he didn't call me either. And after I got back home, I saw his email written on the following day of sex saying not to see. But I never said I wrote or called him or any action to get him back

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by HK01 (374 days ago)

No need for the insults "yummy cake", perhaps the lack of personality and class you exhibit is the reason on non interest

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (374 days ago)

HK01,
It's difficult to tell for whatever reason he left after sex, his own problem or mine (lack of personality and class as you said). As you were not here on the date, very difficult for you to make a conclusion of why.

However how you act here and many preassumptions you made already exhibited a lack of personality of class of yourself....LOL

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ..... (374 days ago)

Awww, dont be like that HK01. We all make mistakes.
Yummy cake. The fact of the matter is that sometime shiitte happens in life. You do all you can and things just dont turn out the way you hoped. Thats all there is to it. But perhpas next time, it is not terribly wise to sleep with a man on a second date. I am not saying this on a moral ground although you seem to be having that issues hence the bad feelings brought on by guilt. It is just that this day and age, it is simply not safe to get to know someone on the net then go to his house on a second date in a foreign country and sleep with him. All your information only comes from what he told you. What do you really know about him? Not much. So next time, just get to know the person better before you get intimate.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by HK01 (374 days ago)

It is easy to make conclusions based on your description of what happened. clearly you were used by him and are now finding away to try and make yourself feel better about it.

Perhaps you should contact him when he arrived in HK... My best is he will sleep with you again, and not contact you after that, again...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aulelei (374 days ago)

"As I know he will be working in HK next month, so I think it's worthwhile to explore any possibility for development"

yummy cake, i am also curious as to why you would want 'development' with this guy, after what he has done and said. The fact that he is coming to HK makes no difference - he did not want to see you in his own country, and chances are he does not want to see you in yours. If you're wanting closure or a reason, is there really anything he can say that will make you feel any better? i doubt it. Accept that he's a jerk, chalk one up to experience and leave it at that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (374 days ago)

"As I know he will be working in HK next month, so I think it's worthwhile to explore any possibility for development" Maybe I used the wrong tense that confuse you. I should use past tense in the second half of the sentence. This thought of mine was only in place before he said to leave and everything went well on the first date. After he said no more seeing, I had no expectation or hope to see or get him back. Be true, even he suddenly said he wanted to get back, I wouldn't. Because I won't accept a man who has treated me badly.

I'm here not to seek ways to get him back or see him again. Just vent my sadness of being used. I think you guys no need to be harsh

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

Yummy cake, i wouldn't get involved in a debate as to whether you should have slept with him or not, and after how many dates.
The reality is that you trusted this guy, saw potential, happened to be in his country, were attracted to him and that attraction naturally led to sleeping with him. You are a single woman, and an adult. Don't let anybody tell you that you did something wrong. Because you didn't cheat on your husband, you didn't mislead anybody and hopefully used protection.

Unfortunately no condom can protect you from a broken heart. Your heart can be broken by a guy after a month or after 10 years. The longer you are with someone the longer it takes for your heart to heal. Cheer up, because in this case, i don't think it will take too long.

Now back to the internet predators. Some are only after sex, and they should post on AFF (Adultfriendfinder) and find horny people who want no-string sex. Why do they bother romancing you??? Some are married and use the Internet to meet women who live far away from their secure home and family, and are utterly despicable as they lie about almost everything in their lives.
Others suffer from sexual problems, and are too ashamed to discuss their condition. So, they hit and run.They could date you for months, and still when the moment of getting intimate comes, they would blame the woman for their problem (because it's easy than seeing a doctor or a psychologist)

Other men suffer from personality disorders, or mental illnesses, might or might not be on medication. They can wreck havoc in your life, as they send contradictory signals, and you are left scratching your head as to what went wrong. Well, chances are that nothing went wrong, maybe they changed medication, forgot to take it, or live in a permanent haze. My friends and I met guys who displayed symptoms of the following: Pathological Narcissistic Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Paranoia, and other psychoses.

Discouraging, eh? Well, no. You are just as likely to meet the same kind of men in LKF on a night out.

There are also well-adjusted, good-looking, nice and caring guys who seek partners on the Internet.
Unfortunately there is no sure-fire way to spot them among the chaff. It's a matter of trial and error. You date them, you sleep with them when it feels right to you (first or tenth date) and take it from there. If they respect you, treat you right, and behave like a man in love after sleeping with you (before it's just too easy, they all do!) then you know you got a man who is worth your time and energy. Keep it simple in the beginning, don't overstretch yourself to accomodate them, because there are more predators than men for keep, out there in the city or on the Net.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

Oh, and i forgot another type, who i had the misfortune of meeting recently. The passive-aggressive man. Though he could as well fit in the category of "married men" (i will never find out) and "men with sexual dysfunctions", he is a passive-aggressive manual case.
Always late for a date, doesn't initiate contact but doesn't tell you that he is not interested, he would write a passionate email one day, and then disappear for a week, send mixed signals, and would rather keep his phone permanently on voice mail than to tell you that he doesn't want to receive your calls.
As he can't be sexually aggressive, he plays with women's emotions and try to inflict damage in a more surreptitious way. Very charming, once he knows he has ensnared his victim, he takes pleasure in torturing her emotionally.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by KAT8 (374 days ago)

selda, you should write a book on internet dating and the type of men you might meet!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (374 days ago)

Well, for girls out there that wanna avoid meeting jerks, try not to go for sex so soon, jerks wld normally wanna get u to bed ASAP and then dump ya, if he loves ya, he will definitely wait till ur ready. But ur itchy for it, then its a totally different ball game. Anyways, some women are the same so NOT only men behaves like that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

kate,
there is plenty of info on the Net already.
For an account of bad dates, check out this site,
http://www.ssqq.com/romance/romanceinternet.htm

quite amusing...the pilot story is a classic, the serial killer a bit less amusing, but considering that he is behind bars...the only damage he can do is making you fall in love via email.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by solo con te (374 days ago)

well - just forget about it. I can not judge if he is a total jerk because it is very typical male behaviour. And bear in mind, men often lie especially they try all methods to get laid and dump the woman. And men and women are very different, never think in this way "if i were him, then..." - their brains work different from ours.
At the end, it is just an one-click-away internet date. Just look forward to the next one. : )

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

car lover, there is no guarantee that withholding sex would lead to a different outcome.
A guy i met a few years ago, had a gf in his country and three girls in HK. One of them was the church type, so he would go to church with her, and even met her parents for dimsum on Sunday. They only kissed and hugged for three months, then when the relationship with me became more serious and took up most of his time, i became suspicious of his disappearance on Sunday. I confronted him and said if you are seeing somebody else, fine, i will start going out on dates too. To reassure me he told me that the relationship with the other girl was only "platonic" and he was willing to end it if that meant saving ours. To show me he was 'honest' (of course he never ended relationships that i didn't suspect he had) he called her in front of me and dumped her without showing any emotion. I could hear her sobs, and he made a point of telling her that she was too conservative for him, and that he had found somebody else. Listening to him, the matter-of-fact tone of his voice, made my blood curdle. I should have owned that feeling and give him the boot instead of thinking that he did it for me. When he ended our relationship a year later he was just as emotionally frigid.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by irinel30 (374 days ago)

Reading your stories depresses me to no end. I'm recovering from being dumped by my 5 years husband over money we lost(at least this is what I've been told)and I was thinking that it won't be bad to start dating other people.
But your stories combined what my collegues are telling me (in BKK a western woman had no chance to meet anyone, all men are after Thai girls)look like a grey picture to me and scares me of trying.

(I am based in Bangkok)

Posted by Peet (374 days ago)

Yummy cake, I agree with Selda. It is best to try and not second guess yourself or to try to over analyze the situation. The truth is, you may never know what motivated him to behave in this way. It could be any number of reasons, most of which have little or nothing to do with you.

That said, although his motives may be dubious, it is also possible that he was not able to perform sexually for a reason he had not anticipated and feels very ashamed about this. Perhaps he was then worried about being ridiculed. This is not to say that you would ridicule him, rather he may have wrongly anticipated that you would.

Either way, harboring ill will toward this guy will not help you to move on. Just chalk this up as an unfortunate experience in your life and continue your search for the right guy.

I do also agree with car lover. There are guys out there who are willing to wait until the relationship is grounded before moving on to sex. If the guy is unwilling to wait until this point in time and instead expects you to sleep with him as a part of the process of getting acquainted, would you really respect a guy like this?

Sex is great, and I admit that it is difficult to hold off when there is a lot of chemistry, but I also think that it can complicate matters real quick when both people are not at a comfortable point in the relationship....a point at which a connection beyond something simply physical has formed. Yes, there are no guarantees that even then the guy won't disappear, but at least it decreases this risk significantly.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by San12 (374 days ago)

Maybe we shouldn't assume that guys can have sex for the sake of having sex, that like women, they also need some kind of connection first. Two dates might be too fast too soon to build the kind of physical and emotional comfort you need around each other.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

i guess it also depends on how important is sex to you.

If the guy behaves like a jerk after sleeping with you, he is a jerk. Postponing the discovery of his "jerk" nature, would only mean wasting your time, unless of course, you are content with dinners, a peck on the cheeks, and a flood of romantic text messages and emails and are not craving for physical intimacy.

Because sooner or later you will come crashing down, the sexual incompatibility, his hang-ups about sex, or his sexual dysfunction, will become obvious.

Withholding sex would deter only the impatient guys who are after sex, but not those jerks who get high on the chase, by playing hard to get you are actually playing their favourite game, only to be discarded when they finally get it from you.

There is no safe way to deal with men, you should follow your heart, use protection and learn coping techniques to get over them if they turn out to be jerks. Like going out with your friends, having fun, travelling, or dating somebody else...one day you will find the right man for you. In the meantime, be sensible, don't bend backwards to accomodate a man in your life, take care of yourself and devote time and energy to worthy causes and pursuits.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by San12 (374 days ago)

Why even go through the heartache and "coping techniques"? Isn't it better to wait, get to know the guy better, and figure out whether he's a jerk BEFORE you decide whether you want to sleep with him? You walk off a lot easier this way, and save yourself from any trauma.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by San12 (374 days ago)

Oh yes, about when to sleep with a guy... yes, I agree, it shouldn't follow a timeline. You should sleep with a guy when you've both established a certain bond between the both of you, and this can take anything from days to months. Just make sure that your decision is not based on fear (he will dump me if i don't sleep with him) or neediness (i need him to be connected/committed to me through sex) because it will just end up driving guys away in double-quick time.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

well, you can buy the car before driving it, or take it for a test drive and then say, yes, i like it, or no thanks and keep looking at other models. I'd rather test it before i invest my time, energy and emotions in some guy i am not sexually compatible with.
I know people are not cars, but experience tells me that before falling head over heels you should test the bed.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by San12 (374 days ago)

Just curious selda, has this strategy worked so far? Women tend to invest themselves emotionally after sex, and often get pretty upset when the guy disappears quickly after the act. When you test drive without insurance, you also have to contend with a possible crash.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peet (374 days ago)

I have to say that I agree completely with San12 and disagree completely with Selda's comments.

True, if sexual dysfunction or a hang up exists, it will surface sooner or later. However, if the two people have made an emotional connection and know one another fairly well before jumping in bed, then the guy will have a much better idea how the girl will react to his dysfunction or hang up and, if there is some compatibility and a connection there, he might even feel comfortable enough to bring it up before sex. At least he'll more likely feel comfortable enough to discuss it with her afterwards rather than disappearing out of shame and a fear of being ridiculed. After all, isn't this what relationships are about, working things out together?

Selda, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but with the way you approach relationships, it's no wonder you've had so many bad experiences!

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by momo8.. (374 days ago)

In some cultures,especially some Asian/Arab,men look upon the act of having sex as a thing precluding marriage I kid you not.

They are happy with the courtship stage but once you have sex you are considered a "bad girl" and if marriage is not on his mind well that's the end of it.

His not being able to perform suggests he felt guilty about his actions and he cut off contact with you.Better let this one go.You can't do anything about it and I wouldn't pursue it if he ever comes to HK and contacts you as in his eyes you are "easy" and he will never take your relationship seriously.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Hee Larius (374 days ago)

It is likley more to do with male-female differences than with culture.

Basically, men offer love to get sex and women offer sex to get love.

Same game, different strategies.

Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Both suffer the consequences - one feels cheated, the other feels anxiety.

Women visualise the future before sex, men visualise the future after sex - with women ending up disappointed, and men ending up scared.

One of life's many cruel jokes - so don't fret and just get on with it!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dazed (374 days ago)

i'm with selda. you have to kiss a LOT of frogs before you meet a potential prince. but take common-sense precautions, use protection. some frogs are decent, genuine, professionals, but still frogs if you don't feel the vibes. the nice frogs maybe you could develop into friends. then a few are absolute toads (married, players, jerks etc)--once you find out, cut your losses, chuck 'em back in the pond and move on.
though once they're back in the pond, they'll be able to break more hearts.
hey selda, maybe we should start a blacklist of internet-dating toads to warn other women off them!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (374 days ago)

I'm curious to know where the guy is from to disprove my theory.

I had the same thing happen to a friend of mine with a man of Middle Eastern background.

They dated for a few weeks all very positive,he came to HK and she jumped in the sack with him and he actually told her that he had no intention of marriage and that she was not morally "good" for having sex with him!AND that only prostitutes have sex before marriage!Then he didn't contact her again.

You may pooh pooh the idea but this is true and does happen in some cultures.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (374 days ago)

The only problem with the kissing the frog theory is that akin to licking toads you never know whether the result or by-products are just mere hallucinations…

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (374 days ago)

momo: indeed and it all goes back to the romantic love vs societal love and why Guys marry the nice girl called Jane...

Good girl/bad girl... horses/courses and all that...

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by car_lover (374 days ago)

Selda: agree with u that not all guys are into sex only. Those are pretty good cheaters. Got a friend tat told me before that a guy can't live with just one girl and i totally disagree with that.

As for internet dating...had a good one myself and also friends who met their partner online, got married n have kids, still together. So, its not all bad, i mean for internet dating. I guess everything is a risk that we have to take. When a person wanna lie to u, its really hard to know the truth.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (374 days ago)

oh yes, I know i have hallucinated a few times...but licking toads is cheaper and safer than doing street drugs. :-)

As to where this frog kissing led me...well, i am not bitter, i still love men, and probably ever will. They are my drug of choice.

I am not interested in developing a relationship with men who don't respect women and think of women as either whores or saints. Sex should lead to greater intimacy, not less. So if a man retreats after sex, or thinks of sex as something to be ashamed of, something difficult, something he wants to do to prove something to himself or others, or a game where he wins and you lose, i can only say i am not interested in this kind of unevolved human being.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by dolce (374 days ago)

yummy cake, i am sorry to hear your situation...i got a bad internet dating experience..that makes me never trust it anymore...in the beginnin' the guy was so nice to me...after a month's chat, we had our first date, the date was ok but situation changed after that, that guy disappeared, he started not to reply my email, sms etc...the worse is i didnt know what happened, why he treated me like sh*t? anyway, it's a long story...i wouldnt mind being a frd, but seems he doesnt want to...that's fine...he's such a airheard

what i am gonna say is we cant change the situation..but we can learn much from it!!!
dont be sad~~~

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by solo con te (374 days ago)

Some people are serious about internet dating, some are not. And people "picture" the online date in their mind. Often times the person turns out different from his/her imagination or expecation. These explains the "disappearing".
I mean if we just get to know each other and don't feel the click, why bother making a fuss to explain why I think this is not going to work? Get the hint and move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Bubas (374 days ago)

even if the tone is a bit strong..i do agree with HK01..it's a jerk, let it go...and meet someone else. There's plenty of good guys (yes yes...), dont spend your time with him. You did nothing wrong..you don't need explanation or whatever from him. Be selfconfident. He is jerk, that's it, now move on

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by JFK888 (374 days ago)

YC,

Sorry to hear your lately bad experience!

Let him go and keep looking for others. You can do that I believe!!

Let chat over MSN if you are free!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (371 days ago)

Everyone may be mistaken that I couldn't get over the guy and wanted him back or couldn't move on. Bcz it's understandable that everyone wouldn't have time to read in details of the threads about what I sadi (in reverse, I would be like that too so no harm)

Those who are more empathetic like selda or Bubas may be kind enough to tell me he's a jerk and move on. Some one more mean like HK01 would try to do bashing alot out of an assumption that I have been calling or writing to him a lot to ask him back (I never). But funny enough she did tell that she did meet a guy and the guy disappeared after the date even not fxxking her while she kept on calling, may be this bcz of her "lack of personality and class" (haha..but she deleted that thread maybe she's embarrassed after that careless to post this truth out of momentum). So I understood why she's so much bashing becz she's rather worse even as the guy not bother to give her a fxxk even no physical attraction...but she still kept on calling the man.

But the fact is that I was not missing the guy nor wanting him back. I never called him again or wrote to him once I found his change in attitude before I got his email of not seeing. I just felt bad was the feeling of being not appreciated, and being used, and abit angry about that.

Indeed I have been away from any contribution from the thread (if you observe) becz I have been busy dating another interesting guy already. I just spent one day to forget him. This jerk was nothing to me.

But thanks for the contribution

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Island Dweller (371 days ago)

Maybe a little bit harsh thing to say, but you're very lucky.

Not everyone returns from Internet dates with strangers alive and healthy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Glowac106 (371 days ago)

I totally agree with Selda.For these kind of jerks they play games to get you in bed then dump you whenever he feels like to. I had bad experiences twices with a same guy. I am so stupid at that time to believe what he said (all lies)and done (introduce me to his best friends and even attend his business dinner and company annual dinner.) so what---- he built up my trust on him again and cruely disappear again. There is nothing i can do to ease my anger at that time. I even think of go to his office and confront him in front of his staff. Of course i dont have that courage and I just move on. Time can heal.... good luck

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (371 days ago)

Hi ID,

Your words are too heavy. I know couples married through internet dating, some are seeing someone for years known on the Internet.

It's like any channels of knowing someone (from work, from learning something, from joining assocaitions, from friends, ...etc.), you can meet good guys, and jerky ones. My friend also met a jerk in her MBA class who messed up in China alot. You may need to meet lots of ppls before you meet someone who worth you, or you may be lucky to find someone worth you at the very beginning without the need to meet a lot of guys (no matter through internet or non-internet channels). But internet dating just accelerate the process.

My 2 cents!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (371 days ago)

hi Glowac,

NO need to struggle with jerks, just move on..and you will find more beautiful trees in the forrest. Keep yourself in good shape to have better catch. Not worth foregoing other beautiful trees by preserving one dead tree.

I know you have done that...just my two cents...But of course you could vent your anger here in the thread.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dongle (370 days ago)

hi to all,

so i am a men in this forum. first i like to agree that sometimes men they have crazy ideas. speciall many men from europe they are thinking asian ladys are a little stupid and you can have them easy and fast for sex. and i can agree also this its my own experiance. i am not married so i can play with ladys but - i am not prommissing them any times, that i am really interested to get married. but some ladys they are hoping this even you are telling this to them honest, so what a man can do ?
the second is, sometimes the men he need to decide after the first sex if its possible to stay together with this lady or not. dont forget there is a different between men and ladys . ladys they always invest feeling and expecting, seldom that they are willing only for adventure.
but men the most time they are looking for adventure and using a lot of list. and then if he is really interested for a relation in a lady and this lady she is doing her best to show him that she can be also a "wild one" in sex, it can easy happen, that the men he start to think, " oh maybe i can not fulfill the sex appetite for longer time to this lady, its better to stop already now before i will invest too much feeling for this lady even she is nice" . believe me many mens they have low selftrust in sex !
i only want to explain some thinking of man. the cases are always different, so i think its not fair to blame always the men, the ladys many times they make it too easy for the men to get them only for sex, ladys they need to be more careful in believing what mens are saying. its much more easy for men to say "oh you are so nice, i really love you" than for ladys.
take good care to all of yours.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by My Hong Kong (370 days ago)

Internet dating is a Wild Card. You establish a connection with a person...you feel intrigued...thoughts about that person cross your mind throughout the day regardless of what you are doing...you check your emails all day long...you are overwhelmed with excitement...and with the help of a few suggestive words you are also overwhelmed with desire. And all this happens before you have seen the person once!

Then you meet.

Well, more often than not only one side is interested. Then the other side gets the title 'jerk'. :) But no one is a jerk really. It’s just the nature of Internet dating because people develop a romantic interest before they meet. The entire process is upside down in comparison to regular dating. If there was a "pretty" way to reject...Internet dating would be easier. But that’s a skill that is yet to evolve.

Once in a while you do meet someone georgeous though.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Glowac106 (370 days ago)

Never get frustrated though. After all those jerks I finally met a really nice guy also through internet and we have been seeing eachother for almost a year now. So keep searching and you will find the one. good luck to all

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (369 days ago)

I would never regard as a jerk someone that after meeting you decides that there is no spark. I wouldn't even think that sending emails to a stranger is a form of dating. In my opinion a bad Internet dating experience is something else. You establish the connection, you meet, the interest is mutual, the emails and phone calls that follow the first meeting create a deeper connection, other dates follow, and one day you realise that the object of your passion has misrepresented himself, mislead you either by lying about his life, or marital status. It could also happen with someone you met in a bar, at a conference, on the plane...the Internet just provides another avenue for predators. It makes it easier for someone to lead a double life, create a new identity etc.
You can meet some very nice, genuine people, but it's hard to tell them apart from the jerks who are married, or are dating 5 women at the same time, or those who just want to get laid and disappear into thin air once the thrill of the chase is over.
I have already discussed my bad experience, but as i found out reading other threads, i could have met the same type of man on a business trip. I mean the type who one day claims that he has finally met the woman of his dreams, and the next day doesn't even take your calls, and refuses to explain what happened. I was so furious at this man's behaviour that i thought the most brutal rejection would have been better than the silence.
Luckily i had the chance to meet a very nice guy through the same dating site, so the bad experience was overshadowed by a very good one.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by cute_sense (369 days ago)

Thks Dongle, for your sharing. I have difficulties playing those dating games - why can't people try to communicaion sincerely, appreciate and enjoy the company, friendship and try to develope relationship. Maybe I'll never meet my life partner. This is all so scary :-{

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by yummy_cake (369 days ago)

Dongle,

I can't speak for all Asian ladies.

But for HK CHinese girls, it may not be what you think all fancy a western bfs. There are two extremes. Some of my local friends fancy to have a westerner bf. But the majority of my local gfs prefer Chinese.

However for those who are very typical local girl, they'll go to places or hang out where gweilos won't go. THose who admire westerners will go to all places where gweilos hangout. So the westerner may run into very easy girls, but they can never meet those real local CHinese girls

For me I did have experiences intimacy coming too soon or too late when dating CHinese or gweilos. How soon I find the right chemical reaction to have intimacy is determined by the person, not by the race. I did have experience of dating a westerner for 2 months, almost seeing 3 / 4 times a week, but still not yet to bed, and bored him to quit (as I found myself still not yet ready)

So you don't really get the full picture of the dating scene here. Don't think all of us are easy s-toys

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (369 days ago)

hi cute_sense,

the central issue of the problem is not where your dates known from the Internet or not. As I said my friend also ran into freaks in her MBA class. THis is a man's nature to play dating games, and won't value something too easy to get, or many men just simply value the process of chasing or hunting. THey are hunters in nature. Although many men say they like simple, easy going (not easy) girls, many turn out be together with women who can play mind games with men. That's why someone wrote a book called "why man fall in love with bitches"

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cute_sense (368 days ago)

Thanks "yummy cake". Yes, in the end those hunters fall into those women's traps ended up in cages. So FOOLISH and SILLY !!
Cheers :-)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by yummy_cake (368 days ago)

Yes true,
If you pretend high profile and difficult to get, even if you are ugly and non-eligible, you will get a catch.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peet (368 days ago)

In defense of (some of) the Western guys out there, I'd like to comment on some of the posts I've read here.

First, not all Western guys are looking for "easy" Chinese girls, nor do all Western guys wish to have a quick play with a girl sexually and then cast her aside. Yes, perhaps this is true of many Western guys, but this type only succeeds in making it more difficult for the decent Western guys to break the "playboy" stereotype.

My gf is Asian NOT because I have some Asian fetish nor because I wish to have an "easy", docile gf (though most make this assumption), rather because I feel that my personality meshes much better with the Asian cultures than it does with the Western cultures. But it had been difficult for me to meet a decent Asian girl because the assumption by most Asian girls is that, simply because I am a Western guy, I must therefore be a playboy and only interested in sex.

Actually, without a deeper understanding of one another's culture and language, it seems difficult to make a go of a cross-cultural relationship. Because many playboys have little interest in learning about culture and language, their reasons for dating an Asian girl often have much more to do with the novelty of dating an Asian girl and a misunderstanding that all Asian girls are docile and sexually easy, and less to do with a true interest in who she is as a person, her culture, etc. The same can be said about the girls who end up with these types of Western guys - they are often the girls who date Western guys just because it is novel or different. Both get exactly what they've asked for and deserve one another.


But there are some Western guys out there who are looking for a genuine relationship with a decent Asian girl, not a quick fling. They're perhaps just a little more difficult to find.

Yummy cake, it's nice to hear that you base many of your relationship decisions upon the guy instead of stereotyping him because of his race. I do hope that you can find a good guy who will treat you with the respect that you deserve, whether he is Western or Chinese. :)

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by car_lover (368 days ago)

It's always the case where good girls end up with bad dudes and good guys ends up with bad chicks, why? Selfishness perhaps?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by balzac (367 days ago)

Hi yummy, sorry to hear about your dreadful experience. I've felt used before, but they were both asian, not western guys. One was long distance and I flew twice to see him only to be treated like sh*t

Basically while i believe they were actually looking for a relationship (they were much older than me), they realised that I wasn't the one they had in mind quite early on but wanted to have sex anyway.(I was young and naive (stupid) then). The way they ended things were very cruel, without consideration of another human being's confusion or frustration of unreturned calls or rude stony silence, without clear explanation that they didn't want to see me again.

My anger was a slow boiling one. First, I took the zen approach to live and let live but it did not help me to overcome my hurt, even though I had accepted that things were over much earlier on.

Well I wont state exactly what I did, but it involved the internet and journal writing...It brought me immense satisfaction. I wont call it revenge, but it is a step away from revenge.(I am not advocating this but it was just something I needed to do then)

2 years and 3 years later (respectively), both got in touch with me. 1 pretended nothing happened and wanted to 'hang out' and I politely informed him never to call me again,(before that I told him he was a massive jerk and a**h** and he even apologised! Surprise surprise).

The second one wrote me an email gloating about how he just got married bla bla bla (like I was interested)and asked if we could be friends and he also apologised for treating me badly at the end.

Now that I older (and wiser, I hope), I realise that I had a part to play as well. i was too naive/stupid and did not know how to protect myself. I find that sometimes women get played or taken advantaged of because they let it happen. It might not be a conscious thing, but once you've really learnt your lesson, you'd find your experience with prime jerks actually help you weed the rest out later on in your dating life.

cheers and be happy :D

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by solo con te (367 days ago)

YC,
I did not have sex with my man until two years after. Even then, I was afraid that he would just goal and leave. It is not about how soon, but about whether you've built emotional bond.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by solo con te (367 days ago)

car lover,
we all long for things hard to get and want a challenge. too nice is boring. ;p

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by car_lover (366 days ago)

so, getting hurt is fun? haha..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cara_tanaka (366 days ago)

hi girls! sorry about what happen to the girls like u and have a experience like yours, u know what i think that guy is one of the angels,...??? angels of satan! be carefull to guy like him,well on the top of 10 one is a good guy of them....so,girls! wake up! and dont let the guy do that,if they can??? we can!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by purplestar (366 days ago)

Hello! Girls, I'm very sorry to hear that. In my opinion, almost of the guys date girl from Internet with one purpose, SEX! After sleeping with them, they use lots of excuse to leave you. So, I advise the girl if you want to meet the guy who know from Internet, pls don't except too much and protect yourself well. If you just want causal relationship, it's okay. But don't play too long time.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (365 days ago)

purplestar, I really dun think all guys on the Internet are for sex. I really know some real live cases that it end up to a marriage or a relationship which lasts for years.

I think you can have bad guys anywhere, I also know some bad guys in joining some sports activities.

Solo, I think having sex after two years of going out will be too long. Even if I were a guy, I would quit.

HOwever for those with a stable relationship now (definition: Be together for two years or more), would you do a poll there telling me how soon you guys get to bed, on which date? or after how long (days / weeks / months)?

Although I agree to selda's viewpoint of following the heart, I think the guys are not paying-heart-animals. And so many bad guys out there, I need to be more cautious, but I don't want to be too cautious to lose a chance, and I want to find a balance

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fatkid (365 days ago)

First of all, I am not here to criticise anybody, just throwing in a few thoughts.

I believe that internet dating sites are not the best place to meet people, especially men. Since being on a dating site already tagged you as "I am lonely and desperate". I mean, there is nothing wrong with using IM and stuff to communicate but for meeting complete strangers, it is definitely not the best idea, (especially with all the date rape and stuff and you don't really wanna compromise your safety) and I knew it back in my teenage years. People tend to be pretentious and deceptive, and you should very well know that the average man has a tendency to try to put up a disguise to impress and entice female into sex. Not to mention that guys on an internet dating site almost equals to "I am desperate for sex".

While I personally don't encourage premarital sex, like how it is glorified and promoted in the media nowadays to be some sort of perfectly acceptable social etiquette, I don't have anything against it. I mean, if two people truly love each other and are assured that they have no doubts in being in a serious long term relationship/marriage/whatever the consensus is, that they are willing to actually make some commitments, then it is, really, as many suggests, a matter of following the heart, but that doesn't mean you can completely ignore your senses and blindly follow your heart. Besides, unfortunately, I can say that a vast majority (over 95%) of the guys are, at least, initially in it just for the sex, instead of the person as she is, note that applies to pretty much all men, not just those ones on dating sites.

I mean, many girls are fully aware of the fact that most guys are just in for the sex, yet they would just use sex to try to hang on to the guy, giving up sex too soon and compromise their self respect, only ending up used and devastated, feeling deprived of their self esteem.

If relationships are about the spiritual connection and attraction of the minds of the two rather than physical, I would say, from a guy's point of view, I personally wouldn't mind waiting. If a guy truly loves and cares about the girl, he would respect the girl's decision (unless it is obvious that she wants to play hard to get and get him blue-balled and f*ck his mind up), he would value her chastity and self respect, rather than leaving the girl on a few dates because his lusts are not catered for. So, I mean, if the guy is really worth being together with, he would respect the fact if you don't feel comfortable to get intimate and not make a big fuss out of it. On the other hand, if he is not such a decent guy and is only after the sex, and when he has attained what he was after, what's there more to pursue?

On the bottom line, I don't want to be a finger pointer, but you girls should be aware that guys are not all "nice" and is their nature to fornicate and many go into trouble of (unwanted) relationships solely for the sex. Being aware of that, if you don't try to really know the person before taking it to the next level and end up being used, maybe the blame is not entirely on the guys? You know how people say "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me", and a sensible person can learn from other people's mistakes without going through the agonizing experience first hand.

People who constantly say "don't second guess yourself" and "we did nothing wrong, it's the guys who are bad and hurt our feelings by using us" are just living in denial as they never learn from their mistakes, and refuse to admit that they did anything wrong and put all the blame on other people. Personally I think people who willingly compromise themselves to be taken advantaged of cannot call themselves "victims", as they are at least partially responsible for putting themselves through this sh*t.

I am not trying to be cynical and being a prick to say that girls deserved to be treated like that but it is just how guys functions, they just want the sex, physical attraction goes first, then spiritual, and for girls, it is the other way around. So, I mean, don't be afraid to put the guys to the test! If they are really worth being with, they would have the patience, after all, love is not physical, right? Think about the people who lived through thousands of years without premarital sex, was there no love around? I certainly don't think so. The problem is that the people nowadays (which I suspect are mostly, men) are trying to equate the two, and I wonder why you girls actually buy that sort of idea.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Peet (365 days ago)

Say what? Internet dating smacks of "loneliness" and "desperation"? I've known more than a couple of girls and guys who lead very busy lives and feel that Internet dating is one legitimate way (of several) to meet people of the opposite sex. Some of them have had successes, some have not. But I wouldn't describe any of them as "lonely" and "desperate".

Certainly the guys that I know are not trolling the Internet dating sites, looking for a quick sexual fling. Perhaps you're hanging out with the wrong crowd, I don't know. I find it hard to believe that I just happen to only have male friends who fall within the "less than 5%" who are not, "at least initially, in it just for the sex".

While I completely agree that it's best to establish an emotional foundation before jumping into bed, and that a decent guy would treat a girl with respect and not rush her into having sex before she is ready, I think that much of what was written above is a bit of an overgeneralization....

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by fatkid (365 days ago)

Being a guy myself, and being in various groups of people throughout the years, I think it is fair for me to speak for the guys.

I am not trying to pick an argument or anything, maybe "lonely and desperate" are too strong, but I mean "lonely" as in lonely in the sense of lacking a close companion of the opposite sex, not lonely literally, and "desperate" as in exhausted other ways or simply cannot afford the time or have no channels of meeting other people of the opposite sex of their choice, and not like "desperate for a man".

While you can believe in what you want to believe in, do you realise that guys act COMPLETELY differently in front of (any) girls, compared to when they are hanging around with other guys doing their "men's talk""? I mean, pretty much every single guy I see, when they are so-called "attracted" to a certain girl, is about the looks.
Say when someone said he's after a girl, other guys would ask "how are her looks", then maybe about her figure and stuff like that, pretty much all superficial stuff. I have pretty much never seen any guy saying something like "I met a girl that thinks on the same wavelength with me and I think we got along well, I think I like her" or anything along the line. It is ALWAYS about looks, then it's figure (as I said, at least initially, they tend to explore other qualities of the person very slowly over time). Then after being with a girl for a while, other guys would ask "have you guys had sex yet?" and yes, these two are the only two questions guys ask when they are doing their "men's talk" about women, it almost equates women to "looks and sex" in the guys perspective pretty much.

Even for those "nice guys", that you would never think they would be all sex-crazed and stuff, get involved in one night stands and casual sex, or those "nice guys" that are married for decades get themselves into affairs or resort to prostitution, to be frank, it is really kinda scary.

While I already said this is a generalisation of men and it's a bit of a stereotype and I do appreciate there are exceptions out there (though VERY rare), it is simply unwise to believe that there is good in men (in general), it is something you must find out over time when being with the person to see if he's putting on a disguise (although sometimes he might be doing so well that you can't tell).

Maybe you are still in denial and don't want to believe that men are bad in general, but I am here to tell you men and women think in completely different ways men are pretty much always "trading love for sex" and women "trading sex for love" as some of you are already aware, I rarely see a guy that is "trading love for love" (as I say there are, just hard to find).

If you demand a reason of this "badness" in men, I would say other than it's their nature, is cos of survival, as those "nice guys" you girls perceive, when you say "why aren't there any nice guys out there" are driven out of existence by you very people who say that. Simply because "nice guys" get treated like sh*t, and it is always the "bad guys" who historically get the advantage, don't feel like dwelling into the details, but you get the idea.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by yummy_cake (364 days ago)

Hi Fatkid,

As a woman having lots of hurting experiences in dating, I wholeheartedly buy in your words that men are generally bad in nature.

They would like to testify and set up traps for women and asked them to bed at the very first. Once women thot they just followed the hearts and agreed, they would use and badmouth them afterwards.

Therefore men 's name is called axxhole.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fatkid (363 days ago)

But to be fair, the so-called picture perfect "nice guys" do exist, but it is the very same girls that say "why can't I find nice guys anywhere" that drove them outta existence.

I believe that a lot of men do start out as "nice guys", when they meet the very first girl they like, but then they get treated like shxt, as you know, nice guys are not really sexy and appealing and although girls say they want nice guys, they actually find a**holes more interesting. Then most of these "nice guys" come to their senses and turn into complete asshxles as it actually somewhere near the bed. But I personally believe that being hurt for being a "nice guy" doesn't mean that they have to be asshxles and hurt everybody else for vengeance.

I personally see that these are two extremes, being "submissive" nice guys and "selfish" asshxles, and it is not necessary to be an asshxle just coz being a nice-guy doesn't work, and get the best from both worlds by being oneself and exhibiting qualities from both sides (e.g. being nice and caring to the girl but not losing oneself by being submissive to her disrespect or unreasonable demand; and lighten up, being playful and humorous without the fear of being oneself or slight profanity or talking dirty would upset the girl, as they actually like it, contrary to what "nice guys" think)

After all, it should be about mutual respect, instead of either party being all submissive or selfish, and I believe the most important thing is just to be oneself instead of putting on a disguise, and if the other person likes you for you, can't be better, if not, too bad, no pt forcing things to happen, just move on.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by fatkid (363 days ago)

And don't put the blame entirely on the guys too, as you acknowledged it yourself that you have had lots of hurting experiences, so hopefully you should have learned your lesson(s) and not to trust men so easily.

If you suspect sex is the only thing they are after, maybe you can really try holding it off and see what happens, a sex-crazed dog can't stand being blue-balled many times after all! But if, you do find a person that is willing to wait, it probably means that he is after something other than the sex as well and thinks that you are worth it even without the sex? (or maybe you somehow manage to build up his expectation so high that he thinks that it is worth waiting for or he is up for the challenge, I dunno) But one thing to remember, as the very basics of what a relationship should be, is that sex really complicates things (pretty much what this thread is all about), and true love waits, so don't be afraid to hold it off and put the guy to the test, if he leaves you just coz he's not getting any, he's not even worth a second to grief losing him.

(Now I just have to look out for myself when I walk down the streets if you girls actually deprive the sex-crazed guys of their sex, and make sure I don't get clubbed to death for talking bad about the guys and spreading the idea of not giving them any :P)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wan wan (361 days ago)

Men are weird! I am a lesbian and posted on the internet for the first time hoping to meet the ideal gal. Got lots of replies but one really stood out, seemed like a really sweet, in touch chinese gal (I am also chinese an said I prfer to meet chinese). We talked lots, exchanged pics, she was really sweet and in a funny way, even tho we were only communicating by email, we really seemed to connect. As this was my first experience at internet dating I wanted to be really careful.

Finally came the time when we agreed to meet. Agreed to meet her (Angie was her name) after work one nite at Starbucks. I was really excited, nervous yet looking forward to it.

Imagine my complete shock at Starbucks when some guy came up to me and introduced himslef to me as the "Angie" I had been communicating with. This loser then proceeded to tell me that his dream was to be with two lesbians and he thought the best way to achieve that was to pretend to be one..... and that he hoped I understood "where he was coming from" and that we "could be friends". I lost it big time, poured my coffee all over him and scolded him. Looking back, I think the guy really could not understand why I was so upset!!!

Moral of the story; be careful dating on the internet. I won't use it again and will resort to more traditional means to find Miss Right

(I am based in Beijing)