- Adwords
|
|
|
- Macau expat forums for advice on restaurants, domestic help, apartments, travel and more.
|
|
Another MIA man
Posted by ayumi (516 days ago)
I am sure this topic must have been discussed before, but I am so hurt, I need to vent.
Two months ago I met a really nice European guy in China, during a business trip. We went out for drinks the last night, got a bit tipsy, and kissed each other passionately (no sex). We stayed in different hotels. He sent me a text the following morning, wishing me a good trip, and said that he would like to keep in touch. We started to email each other every day, my feelings for him grew esponentially, and two weeks later he visited me here. We had a nice, romantic dinner in Repulse Bay and spent the night together in his hotel. The following day he left. We called each other very often, more emails, and met once again in HK. He was supposed to spend the weekend here, but he left on Saturday morning, saying that he had an important meeting in Shenzhen. He promised he would be back in two weeks time. He never did, and all my emails went unanswered, he doesn't pick up my calls, nor reply to text messages.
He has vanished.
I know I should move on, but I can't without getting some kind of explanation for his behaviour. He is not dead, because when I called from China, he answered the phone, and when he heard my voice he pretended there was something wrong with the line and went "hello, hello', before hanging up.
If he doesn't want to see me, or talk to me, why can't he just say so? It shouldn't be that difficult to make up some excuse, like i am relocating to Europe, or am getting married, whatever. Anything would be better than keeping me hooked, now i can't stop thinking about him, and wondering what went wrong.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Find what you are after in our Macau A-Z Directory
Posted by ayumi (516 days ago)
I mean, why are men such wimps? Can't they speak their mind instead of disappearing? I read similar stories, so it's not a rare behaviour.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by poppy101 (516 days ago)
Sounds like a serial philanderer to me. It isn't about you... You're have done nothing wrong except to be trusting, loving and interested. He appears to be selfish, manipulative and untrustworthy. Bin him and forget him. He doesn't deserve any more!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by momo8.. (516 days ago)
Agree with Poppy,don't get all worked up about it,be thankful it was just a brief encounter and it didn't progress to something more serious and he disappeared like this.What a sleaze.
Do be careful if he contacts you again,he's probably got a mainland gf,don't be his HK lay when he's in town.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by juliette (516 days ago)
I agree with Poppy. Probably married, or living with someone, got scared you would get too close and pose a threat. It's easy for these men to misrepresent their status when they are travelling, sleep with you, and then disappear before their partner finds out.
Did he only call during the day? Or when he was on business trips? Did he ever call you or take your calls during the weekend? You said he always found an excuse not to spend the weekend with you...
I have been there, and now i know that this is the tell sign of a married man.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by ayumi (516 days ago)
You are probably right, now that I think about it, he never wrote or called at weekends. He told me he didn't have a computer at home, only in the office.
I am so furious! This guy sent the most romantic emails, even talked about going away for a long weekend, where work couldn't reach us.
I hate liars, but in all honesty if he was lying, he was pretty good at it.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by ayumi (515 days ago)
again, why doesn't he just say "I am married"?
Of course I would feel bad about the whole experience, but at least I would know why he is behaving like this. Why is he running the risk that his wife might pick up my calls or find my text messages?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by banmenot (515 days ago)
Been there done that too. It is pretty unsettling when it happens. You just can't believe it.
I know of very few women who did not marry at 18 who have not gone through the same thing.
It's more the norm that you have it happen than not.
Sorry to you had to be next.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by selda (515 days ago)
Darling,
Houdini was a man, wasn't he?
You met one of his alter egos...they are legions!
Something similar happened to me (not so long ago, so... still licking my wounds and scratching my head like ayumi.
Why would somebody who claims "to have a wonderful time with you", goes to a great length to see you, waxes lyrical about the time he spent with you, one day just disappears, without a word. Nada. Vaporized. Last i heard from him he was planning to come and visit. Even asked me to keep the weekend free for him. I was overjoyed at the prospect that we would finally spend a long weekend together, instead of the mid-week business-related visits.
He too never emailed on Saturdays nor Sundays, only called me during the day.
Is he married? No idea, i once asked him half-jokingly and he denied it. I asked him because the only time we had sex he couldn't perform, so i thought maybe he was being held back by guilt. It happend to guys who are not experts at cheating but want to try nevertheless.
Yes, a wimp, sombody who runs because he is unable to deal with the consequences of his actions (or inaction)
I know i won't get any closure from him, this kind of men sometimes return...like zombies, when you least expect them, and are capable of spinning the most unbelievable stories to explain their disappearance. Not good enough. If a guy behaves like a wimp, chances are he is one.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by selda (515 days ago)
And just in case his wife or partner in Taiwan is reading this...he is German and his initials are G.P.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by ayumi (515 days ago)
Judging from the stories i heard from friends and read here, it seems that these men follow a pattern, they keep in touch for a while and then disappear, maybe their wives start to become suspicious, or maybe they don't want to get too involved, and look for someone else, someone new. Either way, they are toxic.
What really frustrates me is that I can't even talk to him and tell him what a jerk he is. I have so much anger now, and no outlet. The funny thing is that I still miss him. He is the typical alpha-male, and I am pursued by men who don't really meet my requirements.
There must be some truth in what a friend said: Alpha men get all the girls, more than they should, because girls are attracted to them, while the other guys are left with the crumbs, like broken-hearted girls that get off the roller-coaster dazed and confused, or girls who don't trust anyone anymore and are emotionally scarred for life.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by juliette (515 days ago)
I found this on the Net, i hope it might help you feel better, knowing that you haven't done anything wrong, just fallen for a very common type of man, the married man who puts his wedding ring in the pocket when he travels. I think married men should get tagged...it's too easy for them to mislead women :-)
" This guy is sweet, sexy, unusually charming and in spite of his hectic work schedule seems to be up for regular visit s– during certain hours only of course. He chalks it up to work and responsibilities and swears that he is single. he even gives you his telephone number as a sign of good faith — his cell number that is — the one that is turned off every evening and weekend. This guy is great for your ego with impromptu calls to say "I have a little free time right now and would love to see you", but if you are unable to drop everything to meet him right then, well, the moment passes and you lose your chance because he is "just so busy" of course. This guy seems to be very open and gives you all kinds of details about his life and is super caring — between 10am and 6pm only though. Even the most man savvy gal has trouble knowing what to make of him. You think he may be married cuz' it sure does seem that way, but on the other hand he really could just be a great, sexy guy with poor time management skills or an anal way of approaching each day."
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by irinel30 (515 days ago)
I guess I can say welcome in the club. Happend to me too, but this one is British. And the story with the weekend sounds so familiar.
(I am based in Bangkok)
Posted by coolbabe888 (515 days ago)
Dating men from different countries can be very tricky, it's tough when you have NO clue what their background/identity really is. Which is why before seriously giving up any time, feelings, money or your body for any stranger, I strongly suggest doing a background check first. You can do so (for a minimal fee) at any reliable private detective agency or if you have connections with the government/police, you can get info from there too. It could save you alot of time, heartache, and your life too, tons of psychos out there!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by momo8.. (515 days ago)
That's if the whakos actually use their real name not a pseudo!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by selda (513 days ago)
Background check?? This is tantamount to stalking someone. Come on, you hardly know the guy and you pay a detective to follow him around???
Not the best way to start a relationship...or to end it.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by squidburger (504 days ago)
Sorry to hear about your plight ayumi but guys get exactly the same treatment from girls. If they don't 'fit the bill', the first date is the only date you ever get.
Calls, messages are not answered. The girl never agrees to talk about it or meet up for at least a second let alone a third date, to see if anything might develop. It's no wonder guys crack on the first date with all that checking out and judging going on. And that's not even with the guy thinking about doing anything like what that fellow did to you.
Everyone does each other over, just depends on whether it's your turn or the person you do it to.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by squidburger (504 days ago)
This is not meaning you specifically, but when was the last time you went out with a guy that didn't 'do it for you' the first time you went out but then thought later: "heck maybe I should give him a closer look / second chance? Maybe his reserved nature, trying too hard, stupid jokes. whatever... is because he thinks I'm so 'good looking' and desirable he's lost for words!".
Yes, yes, sure he could be 'over the top' in thinking you're that great. But if you're sure about your own qualities, is a movie star enjoying a bit of adultation from a fan that 'offensive'? That behaviour is always thought of as "ewww". Could never be considered charming. Perish the thought. It's easy to be cynical but next time around, who knows? He might have calmed down enough to surprise you. You might want to think about that next time you're being bonked senseless by an 'alpha male'.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (503 days ago)
squidburger: Commendation on the handle but mehopes not reflective of thee taste...
There have been numerous threads about Guy's lovin and leavin... and about Gal's lovin and leavin... it has been put down to numerous reasons... and the only feasible explanation has so far been that he/she was kidnapped by aliens...
This thread akin to a lot of others was basically about having the common courtesy to let the other party know he/she was not into whomever... 'thanks but...'and that it is kinda cruel to keep a carrot a dangling...
Anyhows... I feel you know what I am attempting to say...
And yup I think the general consensus was a next time would be nice... or whatever...
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by perfection (503 days ago)
People don't put into words the things that are difficult to say, or have no 'pay off'. It's difficult to say, 'Look you are great, but not for me... blah blah blah... He knows he doesn't want to see you again, and - in his mind- there's no reason (except for good manners) to involve himself in a messy telephone conversation.
The best thing to do is just not get so emotionally attached so early in a relationship. Don't credit someone with values, feelings etc.. until you have seen them in practice. There clearly was no value for him in a longer association. More thrill with someone new. Girls need to stop giving men these easy chances, unless they also want 'to date like a man'... Think about it... Girls who give in to men too easily 'train' them to keep doing this to other girls... why should he treat you any differently from the other girls who also have developed feelings/hopes way too early before even finding out about this man.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Well I'll Be (503 days ago)
Maybe one species sould not be too critical of the other afterall the way one handles a situation may simply be down to a gender difference thing
I mean, what do women do when they meet a guy for the first time and find that they are not interested in or attracted to the guy........??
Well, for a start, they'll find a way to slip the following into the conversation...."hmmm you remind me of my brother...(father, or some similar non-sexual figure)"
Next, they keep the conversation short and to-the-point with a simple yes or no to any question rather than to expand on the topic. Inbetween the curt replies, they keep looking at their watch ad if there were a deadline fast approaching.
Next, they will excuse themselves and head to the loo and take ages to return. While in the loo, they'll likely to have called a close friend to complain about how terrible the evening is going, yada, yada, yada (hence the time taken to return)
Next, when the evening draws to a close, they'll say someting like "thanks for the evening" or something polite but give no hint that they will like to do this again. They will insist on going home alone and furtively keep an eye out for a cab and hop into the first one that comes by with a quick wave and goodbye.
As for guys, well they're a less complex species
They get all excited before they meet up, they get disaapointed when they meet up, they disappear from the face of the earth. End of story.
Guys are wired to hunt, defend, and fight. All this requires agression and decisiveness.
There's no room for contemplation, thought, or regret. Any such emotions will ensure they end up as dinner in the circle of life of some other species.
Its simple a flee or fight syndrome wired into the DNA.
So I guess, in situations mentioned in this thread, I guess ladies should be glad guys flee rather than resort to wallopping the hell out of you, no?
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by selda (503 days ago)
I agree that men and women react in different ways. Your description of a first date is pretty accurate. But i believe that neither men nor women have invested much emotionally at that stage. I went out on dates with men i realised i wasn't attracted to, and at the end of the evening i politely declined to meet up again, using various excuses to soften the rejection...the ex-bf who is suddenly back in my life works very well as a way to disengage myself without hurting the man's feelings. These men were just left thinking "bad luck", or "bad timing"
If a man I was interested in didn't ask me out again after the first date, i wouldn't be too disappointed. I am old enough to understand that attraction is not always mutual.
I guess here we are talking about something else, women who went out with guys on a few dates, the attraction was obviously mutual, they wrote, phoned, and slept with the guy...he suddenly changed his mind or disappeared without giving hints he had changed his mind. At which point you can only come to the conclusion that he is either a wimp, married or...was abducted by aliens.
It seems that a lot more men are abducted by aliens than women :-)
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by squidburger (502 days ago)
He didn't change his mind. If he changed his mind after he dated her, he would still be with her. I think she should have gotten a hold of the hotline to those aliens and told them to pick him up earlier.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (502 days ago)
Squiddie: So basically what you are saying is that he never intended to have a relationship just wanted a few dates for whatever reason and then moved on... because he can...
OK... makes sense to me.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by squidburger (502 days ago)
Spot on
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by squidburger (502 days ago)
Well we know the reason.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by squidburger (502 days ago)
One of the complaints from local readers about Chinese newspapers is all the fiction or factual errors that crop up in the stories they run. Go behind the scenes and you find out that editors demand staff to write a minimum number of words (characters?) per day otherwise they're not allowed to go home, they get penalized or worse. So to cope reporters start making stuff up just to fill their quota. And they're pushed to meet impossibly tight deadlines. Why? Readers buy the papers for the sleaze and the turnover rate for new content is faster than local hacks can churn it out.
(I am based in Unspecified)
Posted by Aijin (partly perpetual) (502 days ago)
Very true but there is a whole world of publishing per say away from the hacks, free sheets and tabloids… where the contributors are expected to have some credibility and in affect accountability to their target audience/readership.
However market forces let alone politics often dictate content and thus some censorship is deemed necessary. As long as what is written between the lines is a clear as say thee fragrant harbor I for one shall not be canceling my subscription, yet.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by perfection (502 days ago)
Girls have to get real about that what a man wants from a 'relationship' is very different from what he wants from a few experiences. Would you marry or have a permanent relationship with someone who doesn't exercise more discretion than this? Sorry this has happened to you Ayumi, but if girls want respect from a man, they have to raise their own standards.
It seems to me that people today just don't spend enough time getting to know about someone. Look for character... Look more deeply - don't mistake a job, snappy conversation or expensive watch for character.
Could be he also just didn't think you were his type. The men I know well aren't just looking for a 'girlfriend' but a real human being who they can relate to and see themselves sharing a life with... in the meantime, well, they do what this guy did... experiment... It's not rocket science.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by perfection (502 days ago)
Selda: I don't think the man you describe is a 'jerk', though he clearly has a problem. Sounds like some compulsive type. There are such needy people - men and women - who actually often believe themselves when they fall into infatuation easily... and fall out again so easily... The fact that he was so obsessive so early is kinda a give away.
The distinction of pleasure and love is not a good one I feel. If a distinction is to be made, I think it's healthy and unhealthy. It's not healthy to lower barriers too soon. If you both only want sex, then you are talking about something else entirely.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by linchee (501 days ago)
i worked as a junior in a large european concern. most of my seniors were european men (french, british). we sat in an open environment.
they liked to exchange stories about women (where they met, what they did, etc). At times the details were too intimate. the more they could get away with it, the more fun they had. Until one day, one of them got into a lot of trouble with an air stewardess and they realized what they were doing had severe consequences and repercussions.
This man saw your vulnerable side and took advantage. It also happens the other way around - women taking advantage of men.
Perhpas in the future, try and stay friends for while so that you have time to reflect/observe.
It's not how hard you fall, but you fast you pick yourself up.
One day when you are in a happy and healthy relationship, you will see that this was not worth your time.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Havefaith (495 days ago)
Dear All,
There are lots of god awful men out there. I believe that we have to meet these men first before we meet the GREAT guy that we will live happily ever after with. I have personally been through some cheaters/liars before meeting my husband.
Hang in there - Mr. Right could be just round the corner - but the main thing is dont lose hope or faith that these GREAT guys do exist and we deserve them too.
HF
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by dave_lister (494 days ago)
Ayumi,
If you want to know why he doesn't want to talk to you and "break up" more formally look no further than your own words "`What really frustrates me is that I can't even talk to him and tell him what a jerk he is. I have so much anger now, and no outlet."
Basically he doesn't want someone screaming at him and telling him what a bad human being he is (or if he dares break up in person having dishes thrown at his head).
Anyway I think the message should be clear - and if by chance he does come back you can just tell him to "f___ off".
Your "relationship" apparantly consisted of only three meetings so no matter what his emails said it's hard to understand the degree of attachment or expectations you seem to have developed. Yes he may have been married and lying the whole time or he may be one of thos guys that gets verly excited about relationships in the beginning and then burns out fast.
The simple fact is is that alpha male types tend to behave like this and women tend to reward them for this behavior. They don't really have much incentive to stop. Since other types of guys don't seem to meet your standrards then you are going to have to be more realistic in your expectations to avoid getting hurt. I hope I don't sound to harsh but I think I am just being realistic.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by cyberience (494 days ago)
Simply I beleive he found a new GF, so doesnt know how to say he found a new girlfriend.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Well I'll Be (485 days ago)
please get real........there were only a couple of dates involved not years!
quite simply, the problem lies in the fact that even from the first date the female of the species tends to think way into the future about a life together, children, etc. The male, however, has great difficulty thinking beyond what's good on the menu and what to do after dinner.
After three meetings there's NO relationhip. At best there's possibly a fourth meeting.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by gsweetie (484 days ago)
WELL I'LL BE: wow what you said is very alarming! I am no execption in past experiences of driving myself nuts about why all the calls/emails dropped to zero, guy vanished. and thank you for putting it sharply. wow...ok. appreciate it.
(I am based in Guangzhou)
Posted by My Hong Kong (483 days ago)
Well I'll Be, so how can men and women bridge that gap? She is thinking about 'happily ever after' and he is thinking about the menu. Then what happens? It sounds too hopeless.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by Well I'll Be (483 days ago)
How to bridge the gap? Ahhh God's little secret
It's kinda like this.....when God created life, he put in place a delicate balance such that every living thing has a equal chance of survival. Note, equal does not mean the same!
So, that's why ugly people have brains or boobs, good lookers are bimbos, white men are in charge, black men get the chicks, yellow men make the money and pilipinos can sing.
In other words, we are each given something special in return for some handicap to balance things out.
Now, when it comes to male-female relationship the check and balance is one of power and the perception of such.
Men think they are in a position of power in a relationship but in fact they are not. Women hold the power but do not realise they do.
As a result, men chase women as if its their god given right wile women give in to men as if they have no choice.
The rules of the game changes from generation to generation but the power paradigm remains unchanged.
The rules are further complicated by the fact that there is variation even among the same generation.
In other words, for a given generation, a man or woman in his/her 20s play it slightly differently than say those in their 30s or 40s.
In the current context, one is rushing ahead while the other is taking it easy....one needs to slow down the other to speed up before there is a meeting of the minds.....the real trick here is how to manipulate the situation to ones adavantage.
Game theory will be a good place to start if you want to know more!
(I am based in Hong Kong)
Posted by starry eyed (333 days ago)
I'm sorry to hear that some guy disappeared on you. I've been disappeared on before. The only way is to get on with your life because the only one who can help you is yourself.
(I am based in Singapore)
Posted by Morning.side.speed (324 days ago)
I only do that to the insurrance selling guy
(I am based in Beijing)
Posted by concor1 (321 days ago)
this happened to me just recently as well, he is an american guy. he changed his mobile number and asked his assistant not to take my calls. also he changed his email address and make his work email not tot ake my email. all these happen overnight! im so angry !
(I am based in Shanghai)
Posted by By Ron (314 days ago)
Married, married, married! Sounds like he was very tempted but backed off.
(I am based in Hong Kong)
|
|
|
