Confused.....

Posted by Dawny (532 days ago)

I am very confused about this 20 year old guy I met a couple of weeks ago. He says it was fate and lead me to believe that too. I recently moved back to HK after spending 2.5 years in HCMC and have no interest in meeting blokes are get intimate with them since I came out from a relationship (that's why I'm back). Then he came along and it was his persistancy that got me interested in him. So I let things happen and thought that I should have some fun (he leaves HK end of July) till when he leaves. He tells me how great I am, I make him laugh, I'm everything he would want in a g/friend. I started to believed everything he said. One day he told me that I'm making his departure a bit hard as he's beginning to feel alot more than just a fun thing. I told him yet again, I can't stop him liking me that way, but there will be no chance of us being together (age gap problem). So we decided to stop things between us. I still stay in touch with him and that if I'm in the UK I will look him up. But he's really turned, he won't bother answering my text msgs, msn etc. So i just don't understand how can someone can build you up so high and slam you down like that ! So do you think what he was saying was true or just aload of lies as it has really hurt my feelings and my confidence went back down again ! He was the first guy I got intimate with since I've split up with my partner in HCMC and also my first bloke here in HK.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by flashback (532 days ago)

Sorry... but I think you have really hurt this guy's feelings. I don't go for the fate thing at all, but the reality here is that when one becomes intimate with someone, one often develops feelings for that person... At 20, he's probably fallen hard.

You've told him in so many words, he is just a casual thing... He thought he was special to you. He's taking care of his heart, and trying to get over you. I think if you have no intention of having this young man in your life, leave him alone to get over it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sindhi Crawford (532 days ago)

I'm not sure how old you are when you say hes 20, but there could be anything to why he is behaving the way he is. Men are mysterious in their own ways (so are women), but he can show SO much interest and the next minute act like he doesnt even care. Either hes trying to forget you and move on like flashback said, or he came to his senses and realised it wasn't gonna happen. He may come around and MAY even just decide to stay friends, just give him a while and see how it goes.

It is difficult to just wait in suspense and not know what hes thinking because you don't know him THAT well to know whats going on his mind. Yes becoming intimat brings your closer but its not been that long even to know his thoughts/behaviour.

So all i can say is just wait but don't wait anxiously cuz you don't know whats in store for you.

Regards to you dawny..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (532 days ago)

hmmmm... It seems like this is one guy who doesn't like being treated 'just like a bit of fun until he leaves'. If that's all he wanted, he'd still be around. What actually do you want? You want fun, but no commitment... Not everyone wants that. He may feel as used as many girls feel when someone has that expectation.

The only thing you can do really is just let it be, and console yourself with the thought that you met someone who you liked, but who wasn't right for you. He will no doubt do the same, but you can't expect someone to hang around if they have feelings that will never be reciprocated.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (532 days ago)

I hear what u guys are saying. I honestly don't think I've hurt his feeling at all. He's only here for 8 months - also he's been having fun with lots of other girls where some are just 1 night stands and 1 has a boyfriend who she's cheating on with him. He tells me that I'm very switched on and that he's not met someone like me since he's been here. I've always been straight with him and told him not to lie about anything - eg., if he wants to have fun with other girls then I have no problem with it but as long as he tells me and vis-a-versa. I don't like 1 night stands, but like to have fun with the same person for a month or so...I'm in no state to have a relationship again after 3.5 years being with someone. So I don't see any harm in being straight in the first place and tell the guy that it's just fun and if he likes it, bingo, if not, walk away. He said he's happy and that I make him laugh so much and that he feels comfortable around me. Normally when he has girls round his, one day would be enough before he kicks them out, but with me, we've been together for over 24 hours or more (while I was not working for a week)he just loves it. All what he says to me has built up so much ego and confidence in me, but all of a sudden, wham, bam, I'm flat on the floor again. I know it shouldn't really bother me, but however, I just feel sh*te about meself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (532 days ago)

Ok, so how much older are you?

And what is HCMC?

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by momo8.. (532 days ago)

HCMC = How Come Men Cheat? But it's more than likely to stand for Ho Chi Minh City.

At 20 he sounds like he wants to have a good time,bang everything not related to him by his last name and leave.You've been with him for OVER 24 hours and he hasn't kicked you out like he did to other girls? That says it all.....don't get hung up on him at twenty boys just want to have fun.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (532 days ago)

Thanks momo8 - that was some confidence boose. We've actually been together from Thurs to the following Fri - so it was good. I now can close this chapter and forget about him, but however, I'd love to look him up when I'm back in England this year (which I've told him already), but not sure whether I should. Anyway, plenty of guys out there...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (532 days ago)

...No, with this extra information, it doesn't sound like you've hurt his feelings. Sounds like you were just a challenge to him, and you were both kidding each other and yourselves.

You sound like you do need more recovery time from your last experience, and that you are feeling low in self-esteem as a result of that rejection.

Yes... put it behind you, and take care of yourself now. No one likes feeling used. Best to work on your own feelings now, and try to develop more self-confidence.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

"a challenge" -how? You mean he finds it too much of a trouble to woo her?

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by survivor (531 days ago)

he's just a young boy - who falls and falls out of love easily. I remembered when I was that age....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

I still fall in and out of love easily, even though I''m not young

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by survivor (531 days ago)

good on ya - i could never understand how you actually falls OUT of love so easy - I can understand falling IN love quickly !

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

Well, if you fall in love easily, that probably means you are not that in love with the person...that explains why, isn't it? having said that, I still feel pain when love is gone...it's more to do with the loneliness that I feel in my heart or maybe because I'm just used to being with him?

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by survivor (531 days ago)

no, people can fall in love easily and really do love that person ! no 1 is exactly the same.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (531 days ago)

I used 'challenge' because she told him at first she wanted no intimacy, but he was persistent. She listened to it all... bought the 'bit of fun till I leave' cookie... He got what he seemed to want (i.e. overcame her objections - the challenge). Then because she told him she wouldn't be pining for him forever, he moved on to someone who might... ego.. perhaps... Whatever, it's the same old dance...

No 'destiny' here at all... just absolutely predictable human behaviour...

Sorry Dawny... I know it hurts for you.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by survivor (531 days ago)

Actually I really don't think it will hurt Dawny as she's the one who didn't want anything out of it - just fun with the same guy until he leaves. I'm the same as her - why wanna do 1 night stands when one is good enough to keep you going and happy for a few weeks or so ? Sounds like both had fun...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (531 days ago)

Well... she thought she was having fun while there was some kind of 'connection', or while he seemed to 'prefer' her over the others... but now she's dumped, she's hurting, or at least feels mistreated. Is that right?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (531 days ago)

Now flashback, that is getting a bit nasty. I never mentioned about I was da one who got dumped, so therefore u got that wrong. This meant to be a nice chat thread so don't be nasty now. From the beginning I made it clear that there's no future - cause I said I just came out from a 3+ years relationship so why should I give a 20 year old to dump me ? Jesus, nowadays u just can't have a decent chat without people turn nasty.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

Dawny, flashback wasn't being nasty. We all understand where you're coming from...read my thread, you'll know who the real nasty one is!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by KAT8 (531 days ago)

flashback is just trying to get the story right. Whilst you may have not been dumped, why are you still texing, msning (according to your original post) him? Your post seems contradictory. On one hand you are saying, you just wanted a bit of fun and in the other hand you are saying you are hurt as he is ignoring you.

Which is it?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

Life in itself is contradictory! Sometimes we can't even explain our own feelings. Be nice and try to put yourself in D's shoes...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by KAT8 (531 days ago)

I think I have gone through more than what D has gone through in her life. I was just asking for clarification about her thread, nothing more.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

I think when people ask for advice, the last thing we should do is to dismiss the significance of people's experience/problems, or at least don't do it openly (you can say it to yourself, just don't say it to the person asking for advice)...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by KAT8 (531 days ago)

purely, I think you have got the wrong end of the stick. I didn't dismiss D's problem, I was just asking her to clarify exactly what her problem was?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (531 days ago)

I just told you that sometimes we can't even explain our own feelings, didn't I? Our feelings may be all mixed up...

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by flashback (531 days ago)

Certainly no intention to sound 'nasty' Dawny... Sorry if it was read that way. I felt you were feeling rejected by this guy who no longer seemed to respond to you after persuading you of his prior affection.

I don't see what your original problem is either now, Dawny. What do you want advice for? To help explain his actions, or how you're feeling about them? Or something else?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by purely (530 days ago)

Or sometimes we (at least I) feel that it should be *me*, not him, to start the ignoring actions/tactics.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Dawny (530 days ago)

OK everyone - I want to clarify myself. The only reason why I felt ignored by him was after all what he had said to me eg., i'm all what he's looking for in a g/friend and how nice and switched on i am, beautiful with a nice bod, kind, makes him laugh, he's happy being around me etc, etc... then after all these, he ignores my text msgs and emails ???? I told him I'd still like to be friends with him and treat him like a mate and he agreed to that. I also know now he would go back to these 1night stands b4 he goes back to the UK - I really don't mind that as I don't feel that way towards him anymore except I just wanted to be a mate as we did have a laugh together and I loved the fact that I made him happy and laughed. It's a confidence boost you know when u can make someone happy/laugh. I just wanted advice as to whether I should have just left it and don't let it bother me when he ignores my text msg/emails (which I don't do now). It's just that it really got me when it happened last week but I think I'm over it now, but just a little hurt w/someone who once so into u and now ignores u. Know what I mean ? I'm sorry for the trouble and got everyone confused. Thanks for talking/advicing me on this thread u all... really appreciate it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by handcream (530 days ago)

I think he just a kid wants to have some fun with every girls he has met if possible...better run now...

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by MC JUNG (530 days ago)

'Its not that I can't live without him, its just that I can't live with the fact that he can live without me and doesn't want me now!'

We hear you..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (530 days ago)

Yes... we understand. Gaps are always hard to fill at first, whether or not we wanted them vacated. Attention is always nice, and as you say, it makes you feel good to make others feel happy too. Hope you are feeling better now, and can be happy with what it was... the rebound fling or interlude. Smile and have a great weekend! Life is for all of us.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (530 days ago)

Losing a friend is more difficult than losing a lover.Maybe I was somewhat harsh in another post but at 20 he is still doesn't know what he wants out of life and is happy playing the field before he goes back to the UK.You told him you don't mind him doing this but try to get back the friend thing.

He told you all the things you wanted to hear and if you're older than him and just out of a relationship you fell for it.I'd forget the texts and e-mails go where he hangs out and have it out with him time is ticking away.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (530 days ago)

Hey guys, I forgot to mentioned the last text we had on Tuesday. Basically I asked whether he can give back the 2 DVDs I left at his place (due to the fact that we thought we'd see each other again). I explained during one tel confo that it was my friend's DVD and I were supposed to give them back to my mate so therefore if he can make an arrangement to hand them over to me then we can just cut the ties. He says OK, and then I don't hear anything from him and my mate has asked for the DVDs again. So on Tue I msn'd him and not got anything back so I sent a text msg. He replied sarcastically "Hi, don't worry about the DVDs, I am not a thief". So I replied and said "I did not say you were a thief, and that I don't have time for this crap as I'm busy at work and other things - so just give it to XXXX and I'll get it off of XXXX'. He didn't replied from that since (which I didn't expected him to). There - so that's it... end of my story to tell.
But momo, I don't think I can go to where he hangs out and have it out with him as I'm not that kinda person and also I don't him to make me look a fool. If I bump into him accidently, I WILL walk over and say 'Hi' to him, otherwise I won't be anything that it out of my way. You're right about this rebound feelings - it was just nice to have someone to give you that kinda confidence and boost again. I don't hate him for it - as it did part helped me to find my ground again here in HK.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (530 days ago)

Yes... some positives came out of it, and you know the situation now, and can let it go. The most important thing is to bounce back now, and get back into life. Everything's come out, and you have dealt with your feelings. Enjoy the sunshine, and have faith in yourself. Go out with your friends and have fun.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (530 days ago)

Thanks Flashback ! You too have a lovely w/end. I'm in the process of moving into my new flat and will be getting my keys next week so I've got that to look forward to :) Take Care ! x

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by momo8.. (530 days ago)

Heck it's the weekend.

You are busy and he is busy,get some friends together and go out and if you bump into him all the better.Forget the DVDs and you won't make him or you look like a fool.

He's on a ticking clock here a week to go before he bails so to speak.Believe in yourself a little more you are beautiful and you deserve better and really at 20 he doesn't know his own mind yet.

Keep him as a friend if you can but also try to get some closure.The DVD thing is not going to work,he will think you are trying to pull his strings.

If he's going back then by all means you need to go and get some closure so I think you should hang out where he's likely to be.You're not going to bump into him otherwise and well you need to take care of yourself too.

Get some friends together and go out and enjoy!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by coffee shop girl (530 days ago)

dawny, i wanted to ask this since u started the thread... in your original post, when u wrote, "so we decided to stop things between us"... did you mean you stop sleeping with him and just want to be friends? or if u haven't slept with him, sort of indicated there was no chance for him to get laid?

if that's the case, maybe everything that he said about meeting you as fate and the other BS was just to get laid. and when u stopped it, he disappeared, as there was no incentive anymore.

you may want to believe the "oh.. but he thought i was the one blah blah blah..." but maybe it was just as simple as that.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (530 days ago)

Hi there C.S.G. Yes, we did sleep 2gether and we both did enjoyed it very much. I think it's bcos of that that's why he felt a little more deeper and I must admit, I did put a little bit of feelings in it but at the back of my mind, I still felt strongly that this will never go anywhere as for 1) he's leaving end of July and 2) age gap.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Nemesis (530 days ago)

Dawny, I was emotionally just a baby at twenty although I thought the contrary at that age (I think like most people). And since he is a guy, subtract five years from that and you will know where he stands emotionally. ;-)

Hormones and testosterone in overdrive, yes. Emotional growth, still a long way to go.

Your messages come across as you are desperate to hang on to this rapport you have had with him. Yes, it sucks when you think you have a great rapport with someone but he ignores you. Unfortunately sh*t happens. It's too easy to tell you to get over it. Obviously it is still bothering you. But trust me time heals. Just don't make it harder on yourself to contact him again. You had great sex and fun. End of story.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by Dawny (530 days ago)

Thanks mate....to be honest, I've moved on alot more than earlier this week. I still think about him but it stops very quickly when I'm around my mates. Like u said, we've had some fun 2gether and they're good memories - one cannot erase their past - even tho it was short, but we're human, so things stays in our memory. Unless you have one of those memory wipe out pens that they use in 'men in black' hehe :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by lammum (529 days ago)

you had a fling, it was fun, you didn't want more... so why complaining? Not like he's your best friend, so why should he want to hang out??? sorry, but the fact in one week it's not an issue anymore suggests you maybe aren't that much more 'grown up' than he is.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (528 days ago)

What's your problem lammum ?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MahiMahi (527 days ago)

Dawny, I hear you. I know exactly how you feel sicne I have been in a pretty similar situation. Knowing that its a short term fling, expecting it to be a short term fling as he was leaving the country, great sex, great chemistry and then poof! the guy changes his attitude towards you. In my story, he dropped off the radar after a great day (and night) together. I know I dont' love him and don't think about him all time, but like you, I am only being human by remembering the good times. I was also happy to stay friends, but I haven't heard from him in weeks!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by jassy67 (527 days ago)

Dawny,

Curious, what is the age gap?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Dawny (527 days ago)

Thank you MahiMahi...Glad someone understands one's feeling. Although I had more than just a night and day - we were with each other for the whole week ! So therefore, like u said, we're all human, one do think about the good times etc.
Jassy67 - age gap is more than 10 years.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MahiMahi (526 days ago)

You're welcome Dawny. By the way, maybe I didn't make it clear, but it was more than 1 day and 1 night with him. I met him about 9 times over 2 months as he would contact me during weekends when he is in town. Not that it truly matters now anyway, since he is HIStory. It was good, in fact, I daresay its one my best.

You know what? I am impressed as you landed such a young guy! you go girl!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by MahiMahi (526 days ago)

the One day and One Night was our last rendezvous...sort of like a Finale :)

(I am based in Singapore)