opinions of partner

Posted by apianviolet (534 days ago)

Reading fishgirl's post about her friends' partner and how she 'wouldn't touch him with a barge pole' led me to a question...should you listen to friends/relatives' opinions on your partner? They are obviously more objective, so should their opinion carry some weight?

If you have had a string of not so good relationships, should you then question your taste in men and always seek the opinion of others? Or should you have faith that you've finally got your eye in, and hit the bulls-eye?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by Aijin (partially perpetual) (534 days ago)

Trust your heart... after all you are the one who has to live with the decisions you make whether good or bad.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by flashback (534 days ago)

Looking at my friends' partners, well, I wouldn't touch any of them with a barge pole either - for various reasons.

One hopes no one is looking for an 'objectively perfect person' but rather someone who suits their needs. It has to be quite literally, 'a match' or 'a fit'. There are plenty of great people out there who are wrong for me, and vice versa.

Of course, family and friends probably ought to draw attention to glaringly obvious destructive traits i.e. spendthrift, cadger, glutton, abusive etc... but well... most people probably would take little notice... A family member of mine fell in love with an OCD person... another with a bipolar. These conditions are pretty much incurable, but my relatives wanted to persevere regardless.

I suppose it comes down to finding a way to make it work for both. No one is perfect... I'm willing to listen to all information, but not everyone is.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by apianviolet (534 days ago)

The only trait that my family have drawn my attention to is that he is Chinese...as if i hadn't noticed!

Comments like, 'we know you'll make the right decision' as in stop seeing him...and 'what would your sister think?' and 'it's every fathers' dream for his daughter to marry a chinaman...'

They haven't met him and I hope when, or if, they do, they will see the person he is rather than an racist cultural stereotype.

It's difficult as I want to feel happy I've met someone great but knowing my family feel this way puts a dampner on it. At least, on the positive side, their opposition has made me sure of my feelings for him before progressing any further.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MahiMahi (534 days ago)

From experience, even if someone did tell me what a useless sod the guy I like is, it would hardly change how I feel for him. I would only stop liking this person if I decide it myself.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Aijin (partially perpetual) (534 days ago)

apianviolet : Is this then really a thread about parental approval and acceptance… Daddies lil girl, sibling rivalry, b/f being held responsible for taking you away/living far from them, yadda yadda and all that?…

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by apianviolet (534 days ago)

yeah, sorry aijin...i take a holistic approach life, obviously including my b/f problem (s)! ;)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (partially perpetual) (534 days ago)

Ok well as long as there is nothing logistically that could affect your future security and happiness akin to him having made what they may perceive as questionable judgment such as a history of habitually fathering offspring to per say cabbage picking goat herders and thus has several extended villages to provide for… or has a history of drug abuse or crimes against society… yadda yadda… then they should be able to see his integrity and get over their prejudices… after all it is probably just purely ignorance and I am sure when they meet him they will see everything that you see in him, after all you do have the same genes…

Good luck and do not worry… if you are proud of him and he is proud of you and wants to prove that he is worthy of your affections and his intentions noble then I am sure they will be proud of you both…

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by apianviolet (534 days ago)

aijin, your perpetually perplexing post put a smile on my face :) i resolve not to worry!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (533 days ago)

Hmmm... your family's criticisms sound like racism of the most blatant kind. It must be hard for you to endure that, and as Aijin says for you to feel that they don't see what you see in this man. Hopefully they will eventually appreciate that.

However, yes, cultural differences are a stumbling block with families who - on both sides of the fence - often, though not always, want an ethnically uncomplicated lineage.

Looking at Part 2 of your question with more attention: the question of your own history of choice is more pertinent. This is perhaps the most significant guide for you. Ask yourself - honestly - why you chose those particular people, or why you continued a relationship with someone whom you may have 'stumbled upon'. Keep 'destiny' out of the analysis if you can. It is all about you, your needs and the context... And the object of asking is to learn about yourself, and how you make decisions i.e. out of fear, feelings of rejection, rebellion, romantic idealism, exoticism etc.

Then look at yourself now and ask: Is this just a contextual thing that may not work elsewhere? Am I repeating patterns? Am I just lonely, and he's around? And all the other questions that you can no doubt think of yourself, but most importantly: Is this a healthy relationship for me? What am I becoming in this relationship? What could I become in this relationship?

It really isn't about him, so much, as what you will be with him... If you become a mealticket, drunk, nag, depressive, victim etc... then... well.. no good-lah!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by chris79 (532 days ago)

Hmm,
As far as apianviolets story goes, as long as your family hasn't met the guy they shouldn't judge him.
When it comes to my experience, my family so far has been right about my relationships, when they said it wouldn't last it never didn't. I am not sure if this was because of pure coincidence or by insight into mine and the girl's characters.
Anyway i tend to put my trust in their judgment even though it might take me a while to accept it or see what is really going on in my relationship.
I don't trust friends reactions too much, because I m not always sure what their motivations are to object or to reject the girl.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Hee Larius (531 days ago)

forget about what your family thinks........it's your life and yours alone

no one, family included, has the right to mess up anyone's life as each and every one is fully capable of messing it up by themself

besides, opinions and advice is highly over rated

(I am based in Hong Kong)