Dilemma: to yield or not to yield

Posted by ayumi (420 days ago)

I met a lovely guy on the Internet, and after emailing each other for a couple of weeks we finally met in person. I like him a lot, and I think the interest is mutual. The chemistry is definitely there, and i just managed to districate myself from the embrace and kiss him good night despite the fact that our bodies screamed "take it to another level". Now my dilemma is, should i sleep with him on our second date? My body says yes, but my mind urges caution. What if he is only after sex? There are so many players around... and they usually disappear after the deed, i don't want to get played and then be left with a broken heart (i am already thinking too much about him, even before sleeping with him!)

He doesn't fit the profile of a player, but again, some players are extremely good at their game, and you only find out after their Houdini act.

I don't know enough about his life (he lives in China but travels to HK frequently) and can only rely on what he tells me. I certainly cannot go there and see if he really is single, and look for evidence of women in his life. He would run a mile thinking that i am a paranoid bitch.

On the other hand, if i don't sleep with him, when it's obvious we both want to, he might think that i am the one playing games, such as "hard to get".

Players really make it difficult for decent guys to have natural, spontaneous relationships with the opposite sex, they certainly put me on the defensive and now i question something that should come natural, instead of being overloaded with the fear of being played.

Advice is appreciated!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by maxis (420 days ago)

It is very difficult.
As a guy I would love to get it on straight away.

But also, I have found it has been worth the wait for the right girl.

If you are really considering long term relationship based on trust, although it is tempting, you may wish to consider going slowly.

If you do it to soon, there may exist thoughts in your mind afterwards that he will do it so easily with other....but maybe he won't....you can't know.

In HK or China it is very easy for guys to have many dates, and if you met thruogh internet he may well have many others to "test".

So again, it is difficult for you as if you don't go all the way then someone else will for sure, but if you do you may get burnt.

Consider writing to him exactly what you are looking for and expect, and ask him what he wants.

If he is a player and good at it you will never know. But delaying the full intimacy whilst giving an indication that it will come in due course will probably weed out a lot of players. ALso, maybe don't tell him everything about you and dont always be available to speak on the phone etc and see if he is curious to get to know you - don;t be too hard to get but not too easy, and a decent guy should be happy to pursue of he is genuinely intersted.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by poiuy (420 days ago)

How about being open and honest with the situation and have a talk with him? When/if the issue of sex comes up, you can have a candid conversation with him along the line of....

I really like you and do want to take this to another level
I have been hurt before and dont want to be hurt again
Although my body is telling me to go with the flow, it would be better for both of us in a long run if we take some time getting to know each other

In the end, if he sticks around long enough for you to feel comfortable about having sex, then great. If not, then you have your answer re:the status of his playfulness.

I have been on this internet thing. You meet this person after a series of emails/sms and feel really close to the person....closer than you really know the person. So it burns hot but then if fizzels quickly too. If you are ok with that, then do what your body tells you. There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex. But if that is not what you are looking for, caution is called for.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by selda (420 days ago)

It depends on the kind of guy. You sound like a pretty straightforward person, not shy to show your desire for him, just afraid that your prince charming might turn into a player after the act.
Well, there are no guarantees in life, and if worse comes to worse, and he turns out to be a player, at least you will have had a night of passion with a guy you like...and can treasure the memory until someone really decent comes along.

When i said it depends on the guy, for some guys (and girls) relationship thoughts are not entertained until after sexual compatibility is tested. It means he might not be able to think of you as more than a fling until after he has had a night of passion with you.
He might like you as a person, but he can't commit to someone he hasn't even slept with. So, assuming that there are other women in his life, i don't think that by acting precious you would gain centerstage by magic. And again, there is no guarantee that it might happen after you sleep with him.
My advice is...go with the flow. Do what you are comfortable with, and if it's meant to be, then it will be, otherwise, just happy memories.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by ayumi (420 days ago)

I know it's tricky. Feelings are either there or not. Playing hard to get is not going to strengthen his feelings for me unless they are already there. And if he likes me, I don't think he woul resent sleeping with me :-)

He seems very keen, but i might be seeing too much into it. Being badly burnt before, I am now seeing any man as a potential player. Not healthy, I know.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Blood Diamond (419 days ago)

If I were you, I would just play it by ear and take it as it comes. You are right in saying that playing hard to get isn't going to strengthen his feelings for you. Sleeping with him would not as well. Basically, sleep with him if you feel like it but remind yourself that its purely physical and try not to have expectations that you will be elevated to girlfriend status, etc

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by JFK888 (419 days ago)

May I know if you don't sleep with him shortly, what's the impact except you think about yourself "you are hard to get"! Do you feel without this process he will walk away soon? If this is the case, what is he looking for?

Why sleeping with him is being important at this moment in your case. Are you not confident to keep the relationship without this process? Are there any other way to express your passion!

If it is your own desire, just go for it. But if it is no time sensitive, why not you hold a bit if you still concern his sincerity?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by HK1 (419 days ago)

Why would you ask perfect starangers???

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by dazed (418 days ago)

hey ayumi, i sympathise completely, went thru similar agonising dilemma recently over a guy i met on holiday--my heart said 'give him a chance' and my body screamed 'i want him', but my head said 'run a mile'. i held out for a while but in the end didn't listen to my head...and got played. left with a broken heart and a bruised ego. with hindsight i can see he was a player thru n thru, very experienced. there's no way you can tell, but if he's too good to be true, then he probably is. my advice is same as poiuy & selda's: nothing wrong with enjoying sex with a guy you're attracted to, but keep your expectations low. If you decide to sleep with him, treat it as a night of passion and if it turns into something more it'll be a bonus. if not, chalk it up as experience and a sensual memory till someone better comes along.

(I am based in Hong Kong)