leave him or forgive him

Posted by MiniPepper (596 days ago)

I have been with this guy for almost 2 years, living together for a year. He cheated on me once in early stage of our relationship. Besides, he uses prostitutes from day 1 and dated different gals (he's handsome). I had fights with him many times on this and "Never admit" was his strategy (even i found evidences at home). Lately i gave him a very strong message that i will end our relationship if he keeps doing that. These few months, i can feel that he's making efforts (e.g he's going to take me to his home country meeting his parents). However, i still can't get over the hurts and am highly suspicious of what he does when i'm at work and he's off. Should i give him a last chance, or should i leave?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by Pupalicious (596 days ago)

LEAVE HIM!

Why on earth are you dating a man who uses prostitutes and cheats on you? Why?! What compells you to disrespect yourself so dramaticly that you would put up with being treated like poo!?

There are men out there who will NOT cheat on you, and who are not so disgusting that they pay for sex, and will also take you home to meet the family. Being with someone who treats you like this says more about how you feel about yourself than he feels about you.

If he loves you, he won't cheat or use prostitutes.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (596 days ago)

Not having or knowing you expect a mutually exclusive relationship early on is forgivable… using prostitutes from Day 1 is IMHO not. Maybe the effort he is now making is purely to cover his tracks better.

However you are cohabiting, he is intending to introduce you into his family and thus there must be some substance to his actual ‘love’ for you and maybe he is trying to quit his habitual behavior of needing attention from other women. And thus yup you could try to forgive and forget his past indiscretions.

But you still feel suspicious and cannot 100% trust him. Trust is paramount in any relationship as is understanding. I do not know what to suggest but I am an advocate of giving anyone a chance and the opportunity to make up for past mistakes.

Best of luck and I do hope you make the right decision. Please remember things will turn out for the better either way.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by zionmainframe (596 days ago)

Experience taught me that people will never chance. Go figure.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MiniPepper (596 days ago)

Thanks for your response. What make me so hard to make a decision is i do see and feel he's making efforts lately (e.g. he includes me in almost everything, he said he really loves me and hope i can feel that, he said he's making efforts to win my trust back, he posted our photos on web etc). Maybe i'm just being silly and making excuses for him so i'd like to hear comments from you guys.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zionmainframe (596 days ago)

I'm just concern how could you tolerate someone that's been lying and cheating behind your back for so long. Considering 2 years of pain is harsh and unforgiven.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Shelleychen (596 days ago)

well, i do think he is trying his efforts to win back your trust, you may give him one more chance, but also be prepared to leave him as soon as you found out he treats on you agian. I got treated by a man, he played same game with me, also with other girls. I tried to forgive him, but he just did it to me again after he confessed not to do that again.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by Pupalicious (596 days ago)

Think about the future. Imagine if you have children with him. For one, while you're pregnant you're not going to want sex, how many women is he going to pay for it with while you're pregnant?

And what about when you have children with him, do you want your sons to think it's ok to sleep with a prostitute? Do you want your daughters to think it's acceptable to be with a man who will treat them like that?

If you can't think of yourself, think of your future with this guy?

Have respect for yourself, you deserve better!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (596 days ago)

Do you know why he started to use professional services? Sex addiction? The thrill of the prohibited? Some kinky fetish he would not wish you to perform? Peer pressure from his colleagues? A last chance before he settles down? Some loathing of women and/or himself? Or just this is his idea of recreation?

I think if you wish to forgive him and give him another chance both you and he have to address what caused his behavior so he can understand the damage not only to your dignity but to his that his actions have undoubtedly caused.

A shrug of the shoulders will not suffice… this is habitual and he will not change unless he understands his problem and deals with it... and that means therapy, removing himself from temptation and serious lifestyle changes.

Again good luck.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (596 days ago)

How can it be that so many women see "I love you" as if its some sort of spiritual bandaid on the heart? Actions speak louder than words...and a short respite from shagging hookers while you "trust" him isnt exactly doing to fix things indefinately. People are saying it and you are now readin it...

Good luck.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mr Cynical (596 days ago)

If a man cheats and you dont drop him immediately and forgive him the chances of him repeating this are 100%.

If you catch him cheating many times the chances of him repeating are

1000000000000000000000000000000000000000%

why would you stay with someone like this? He's disrespecting you and making a total joke of who you are, he probably would treat his dog with more respect than this, its pointless giving advice because you wont take it but i will anyway, dump him for good and never go back ever or you will be back asking for teh same advice in a month

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MiniPepper (596 days ago)

he cheated on me once and i don't see any signal of cheating since then (i think it's easy to find out as we're cohabiting). Regarding the reason of using prostitutes, he said he don't know why but he finds the whole idea excites him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (596 days ago)

OK so we have something to work on here… he finds sex with prostitutes exciting. So other than the physical act it must be to do with the thrill of the prohibited. So one way forward would be for you to de-stigmatize the process and take the excitement away.

You could ask him to introduce you to the woman/places he uses and wait for him in the coffee shop/foyer whilst he gets his excitement and then ask him how it was etc etc/ discuss the other clients of the establishment and the whole trade he finds so exciting (the human trafficking /exploitation/prevalence of diseases/type of folk involved in the business and what and whom he is funding etc etc)… I think the excitement will soon become embarrassment and he may see the error of his ways.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by Pupalicious (596 days ago)

Aijin is right, asking him how it was will definately take the excitement out of it, and waiting for him to finish will help. If he's out within half an hour, you can say, 'That was quick.'

Or you could have respect for yourself and get out of that relationship and away from a man who disrespects you and puts you in risk of catching diseases! There are some diseases even condoms can't stop, such as genital warts or crabs, so why be with a man like this?!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Ronald Raygun (596 days ago)

He's like 90% of the men I know who live in Asia. Formula is like this. Shag as many as can. If you happen to have a girlfriend/wife and get caught the rule is DENY DENY DENY just as he's done even when you've got him redhanded.

Will he stop? No.

Check that, he will stop someday but not for you.

He will stop when he meets someone that he respects and loves enough not to treat her like a dirty rag, expose her to diseases he may pick up from whores and easy women.

Move on from this. If he loved you and respected you he'd not have abused you like this.

How can you possibly wait around for him to stop? You have some self-esteem issues. Respect for yourself starts with yourself and by keeping him you are saying you are not worth a man better than this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mr Cynical (596 days ago)

you asked for advice and you got it but now you are defending him yes yes yes he cheated only once and he never used prostitutes it only "excited him to think about it" and the moon is made of green cheese

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MiniPepper (596 days ago)

I was just giving additional information of what he's doing (to be honest, my decision is rely on the advices from you guys so i just hope you have a full pic). As i said before, i will definitely dump him if he keeps doing the things without changes but my ache is he seems making effort.

Make it simple, should my decision be the same (dump him) if he's not using prostitutes at least 3 mths to now?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Mr Cynical (596 days ago)

tell me this is a windup please. should i dump him if hes not using filthy whores three months from now, what kinda of question is that???

dont you have any respect for yourself??? dont you think you can somebetter than this filthy garbage you have now???

hes have sex with hookers and then coming and having sex with you, doesnt that make you want to vomit?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Pepperoni Wong (596 days ago)

You must forgive him !

Firstly because he is a man: men are not made to be monogamous.

Secondly, because he is YOUR man. You want him, he wants you. The fact that he plays around a bit (ALL men do this) is actually good for you, because nobody can measure up to you, and this is how you are validated as HIS woman.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Chrispy06 (596 days ago)

Oh God, MiniPepper you should disregard Pepperoni Wong's post 100% and just DUMP your bf!!! You don't need to think anymore, no need to seek anymore advice, just DUMP him! Mr Cynical is absoutely right - your bf has NO RESPECT for you and he will not change (temporary perhaps) - please just leave him and learn from this and not to repeat the same mistake again next time!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay 2 (596 days ago)

Prostitutes may fascinate him but your STD's might kill you not to mention breaking your heart over and over.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by KitFaerie (596 days ago)

There is absolutely NO EVIDENCE that men can't be monogamous, there are many many men who once they make a commitment, keep it. There is also no scientific evidence that men have a higher sex drive than women (so don't even think of blaming his cheating on that!), it's far more likely that it's an environmental thing. Women have put up with men cheating and behaving like dogs in heat for so long that the men no longer try to exercise any self control. A man cheats and we go 'oh well, he's a man, he can't help it' and the guy thinks 'score, I got away with it and if everyone thinks that men can't control themselves, then it must be true!'

If anyone wanted to stay faithful, they could. Regardless of gender, if they truly wanted to stay faithful to one person they absolutely could.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by StarryStarryOne (596 days ago)

You obviously wanted someone to tell you - yes you should trust him because he's changing!
But then you know better you do not trust him and it's bugging you.

I've been reading a lot of cheating stories on here recently, and two of my married friends are having affairs - they're both women with their career and a seems-to-be happy family. Two weeks ago another female married friend of mine told me she fell in love with a man she works with.

The world has changed. People's values and attitude towards marriage and monogamous relationships are just not the same anymore.
Do people change? Over the years, my ex never changed.

Didn't mean to sound negative and discouraging, but c'est la vie.

If you want to believe that your bf is different now and forgive him, go ahead. We may all be lying to you, but you cannot lie to yourself at the end of the day. Listen to your heart, and bear with the consequence.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by idingstay 2 (596 days ago)

I do think women do cheat nearly as much and more might if they were considered by men to be more attractive.

Women have a better way of concealing it and they tend to go for a relationship as opposed to a one night stand or "wanchai".

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by MiniPepper (594 days ago)

i broke up with him last night. feel like sh*t but it will pass. Thanks for all the advices.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sweet_24 (594 days ago)

you can get over him. you deserve a faithful man not him he cheated you, just be strong. cheer up!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by justin credulous (594 days ago)

Yes, see yourself as having escaped getting sloppy seconds from hookers. As someone said, you deserve better.

(I am based in Iraq)

Posted by goldenleaves (594 days ago)

Yes.. agreed. You would have a sham marriage with a fellow like this... only status would be 1st wife in the harem. The quality of your relationship would be very weak indeed... but worse than that... the quality of your life would be much degraded as well. A good life is possible without men, and especially without men like this. I hope you find a good man who will respect you. My advice on this one is realise what you have learned here... dump earlier rather than later... the minute you smell a rat. Saves you a lot of pain in the long run.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by clan (594 days ago)

I have an ex 'who could change'. he couldn't, didn't and bottom line...wouldn't. He was also very good at making his failures my fault. The fact of the matter is you begin to believe it. These men haven't just become cheats and liars, they are evolved over time. It's likely that looking at where they come from (family)will explain it. When you feel low rem,ember what everyone here has said. It makes sense. This man may make a good friend, employee, employer etc...but a lousy partner. My ex continues to cheat on his current partner.(who incidentally was his final cheat on me) I feel bad for her but this is who he is. Who knows what will make the change for him, if at all?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by May_AM (594 days ago)

MiniPepper... it will certainly pass... speaking from experience...

You will see better light after this... All the best... :-)

(I am based in Singapore)