saving my marriage,, Help please

Posted by beetlebug3 (606 days ago)

This is quite a long one, but would be grateful for advice.

I returned to the uk in june last year, suffering from post natal depression. After being back for 3 months my husband who was still in singapore told me he no longer wanted to continue the marriage.

As you can imagine i was devastated, it took a couple of months for the anger to kick in, but once it did i decided to return to Singapore with my children, so atleast they could see their father and i could have some sort of life for myself.

Before returning my husband and i had long discussions on how we were going to work this out, financial we cannot afford 2 homes, so we live together.

To cut a long story short, i want my marriage to work, i see a councelor and feel i am finally coming out of my depression, however my husband says he still feels the same.." he is never going to give me what i want" "your never going to be happy"

He wants to be the best dad he can, but he still doesn't spend any amount of time with his kids (works long hours and enjoys a busy social life)

How do i turn things around? Can i turn things around for the sake of my children, i don't want to do it by myself.

The marriage was a mess before i left, but now looking back after having medical help with the postnatal depression,i can see how bad it was and how good it could be.

I love him more now than i have for a long time and see how important he is to me, but is it too late? Any ideas on what i should do?

(I am based in Singapore)

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Posted by alk (606 days ago)

Is he now in a relationship with someone? For the sake of the children, husband and wife should do everything for them, even stay together, even if they don't feel like it anymore. Talk to him. This marriage is not only about you and him. You have children.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beetlebug3 (606 days ago)

hi alk

He says no and i have given him every opp to tell me. He says he just hasn't got the energy or the heart for it anymore. I don't want him to stay for the kids sake, that would not work out either. I have talked to him but we just go round in circles, he doesn't want to try for fear of the relationship going bad again in 6 months, and i feel that i am making every effort to make sure it doesn't go back to the way it was.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by goldenleaves (606 days ago)

It's hard to get a handle on this without more information. How long have you been married? How many kids? Ages? What caused him to feel like saying... "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn?"
...
If you are living with him, and he feels alienated from you, he is going to spend a lot of time away from the apartment, and will find or take any opportunity not to go home. The key here is to get him to want to be home. You need to create an atmosphere where he feels it's fun or at least pleasurable to be in or where he has to make an effort. That's going to be hard with a young baby and children at home, but not impossible.

He needs to somehow get back and involved in the family life in a non-threatening and oppressive way.

You've both been through a lot, but you are doing the best thing by going to therapy and getting the help you need. Maybe give him some time to see you have changed.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beetlebug3 (605 days ago)

We have been together for 14 yrs and married for5 of them. We have 3 children ages 9, 4 and 1. He was tired of trying and trying to make me happy. I can see now that he could have bought me flowers everyday, wrote poetry etc this would still have not made me feel any better(hated myself for the best part of 2 yrs). Perhaps our timing is out. I try everyday to make the home a happy one that he wants to come back to.

his long working hours,networking and social mean that by the weekend he is tired and grumpy when it comes to spending time with the family.

I feel that he will not try to get some sort of life balance which in turn just leaves me feeling hurt and frustrated.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by goldenleaves (605 days ago)

Then, I suppose it is up to you to make a change. How about taking on a part-time job, or going back to school, or taking a class in something? Or doing something that broadens your life, and doesn't depend on his effort? It must have been exhausting for him to have to pour in all that energy and get nothing back.

Yes, you do have to take responsibility for your own happiness. There's only so much he can do... and you're right, he's exhausted, and can't keep making up the slack for you.

Seems that things have to lighten up a bit. If you have more of a life, and take some responsibility for it, he won't feel so overburdened. Perhaps there can be more organised with the children just with their father too, so he can see you want him to develop that element of the family, and that he has a role that can't be replaced. Are the children involved in anything that can also involve him as well?

It's going to be very slow I'm afraid, but love can come back for you if you create it, and if it is not too forced. There's a lot to hang on to. I hope this helps a bit.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by My Hong Kong (605 days ago)

It sounds like your husband is not interested in fixing the relationships between you two. As last resort...you can try the physical method. Hugging, kissing, cuddling and doing new things during sex…can do much more for your marriage than talking! If that last attempt doesn't help...I think you know what you need to do.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wildorchid (605 days ago)

It seems to me that you are making too much efforts to save the marriage. This sometimes can make him feel suffocated and then spend time out.

What about the kids? Do they know (the 9 year old one)what is going on between their parents?

I would suggest you to keep some disctance. What about leave him alone for a while with say the oldest child? This will help reveal if he's a good dad as he wants or says or not. Besides, it gives him some space and time to think about the family and appreciate your efforts in taking care of the kids and saving the marriage.

Good luck to you!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by goldenleaves (605 days ago)

It's good advice not to suffocate him with the issue. I think you should talk to the counsellor about the question of male pride. Seems it has hurt his sense of powerfulness that you took yourself away from him and back to your family to get over things, that he couldn't help, and it maybe left him feeling a failure. Maybe it was hard for him to have to tell others that he couldn't make you happy too...

He may feel emasculated somewhat by that. Only you and he could answer that, and if so, you would need advice from a professional about how to put him back into a position of value in your life as a man. He may not be someone who copes with the idea of failure well, and deep down he may feel that this could happen again, that you will leave again, and he may not be able to cope with all of that. It would be worth finding out what your counsellor can help you with on this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by alk (605 days ago)

Well if you have tried evrything you think is possible to save this relationship and still, it doesn't work, he won't want to continue being married to you, fine, it's time to look ahead. For the sake of yourself and your children, it is better not to force yourself on someone who doesn't love you anymore. Just make sure the children are well compensated. You can look forward to a new like and maybe meet someone who would appreciate you more. But that is not the priority. Your priority is living and raising the children in a new set up. Many have gone through a situation like your and turned out fine. In many cases, even better. Believe me. In a married life with kids, the children's achievements offer a better reward than couples trying to stay together. You can survive this. Be strong. The results will be more staisfying. I am not encouraging you to separate. We both know that neither of us hold the key to 'yes' or 'no' in this situation.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by rice_pay (605 days ago)

hi beetle

alk & others on the thread's right.

i'm in a similar situation as you - the difference is the kids are with her & i moved out a few wks ago at her insistence after trying to work things out for the better part of last yr till recently.

things improved for a while & then sinks back to old mode & she's just tired of trying.. i used to get extremely upset with her prioritising her work & friends over family but i do blame myself for having put her at the position where she chose...

i learnt it can hurt more if you try too hard.. so much so you push the other party even further away.. i have my worries if she's really sure if this is what she wants and of course about the kids. but after isolating myself for a bit, i find more energy & focus to think of the essentials first.. it's slow.. and i know i can't expect things to go back to rosy days just like that.. but i still have faith in the relationship.
the worst case scenario is we separate but at least i'm in a much better position now to think of the children's welfare & spend my energy working on that.

Don't mean to be preachy.. May God grant you peace & wisdom to see through this difficult stage in your life.

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by MianFei (604 days ago)

He's having an affair. I smell it. As long as he is, you won't be able to compete with "Miss Newandfun". I suggest a counselor to walk you through these issues. I hate to see any woman reduced to depending on a man who doesn't appreciate her. Can you move in with your parents for awhile, are you employable? With three young children it will be tough but people have survived worse. Try to survive with your mental health and self esteem intact.

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by chonJAY (604 days ago)

who cares what he is doing. he doesnt want you.. and who the hell wants to try and force someone to love them that doesn't want them.. girl.. buck up.. look in the mirror and LOVE YOURSELF. dont worry if he loves you or not..
you now have two children who need a strong, confident mother to look after them.. especially if their mother and father are seperated.. they do not need to see their mother begging their father to make it work nor do they need to live in the bad energy/tension of a strained house.. kids sense these things. maybe your ex husband..(this is what he SHOULD be) will be a good father.. maybe not.. that it his prerogative.. you can't change a man. you can't control a man. and 10 times out of 10.. if a man is telling you something about how they feel.. thats how they feel. sad as it is..you can only control you.. be strong. and eventually you will find joy again.. on your terms.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Woz's Pup (603 days ago)

We've all been dumped. The guy says he's not interested. Sounds like you're just clinging on.

I know, all these Asian traditionalists are going to flame me for saying this, but I'm British too luv, and when it's over it's over. Having depression sucks, I had it too, and getting dumped when you're depressed just isn't good. But, he says he doesn't want you, it's time to accept it. You can't force someone to love you, as everyone who's been dumped knows.

The healthiest thing to do is to move on. I know it's not easy, and I know it's not simple, but it's for the best.

You need to think about what's best for you now. It will effect your children if you try to cling to something that isn't there. Take it from a person who's parents have hated each other for years! Think of what impression this is leaving on your daughters (if you have some) and how they're going to grow up thinking how a woman should act in a relationship.

Like Jay says, love yourself, and love your kids, and realise that if you squeeze something too tight, it will slip away.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Meiguoren (603 days ago)

Good dad? You say he works long hours, has a "busy social life," and then is grumpy on weekends when he's home? Plus, in this environment there has got to be a lot of tension. It's really awful to be going through this when you're already depressed, but part of your depression is surely resulting FROM this dreadful situation. The sooner you address the root causes, the sooner you can get back on your feet. He needs to accept that his choices are going to cause a drastic drop in standard of living, and that you need to make whatever moves are necessary to get you back on your feet again financially and emotionally. He needs to move out and give you some space. He can live in the car, that's what one of my other friend's husbands did. (Okay, I know you won't kick him out on the street, but change your way of thinking, you are way too kind to somebody who has kicked you when you are already down! Those are his kids, too, and he needs to be pitching in to help raise them, which he's NOT! He's just being a whining jerk, IMO.)

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by matches (603 days ago)

Beetlebug,

I think you might have to stipulate that only 30 somethings who have lived something of a life give you advice... a lot of this advice is clearly from very immature people...IMHO.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beetlebug3 (602 days ago)

To all, thanks for the advice, i think deep down, you are all right, its all the things i would tell any of my girlfriends if they were in the same situation!!, Its harder when your the one living it. Goldenleaves thanks for the positives, i have already started working and i go back to uni in july, my life is taking a turn for the better but i still wish my husband was included in it.
I also know that the kids will get through it as long as i stay positive and they know they are loved.

Thanks x

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (602 days ago)

When someone doesnt love you anymore, it doesnt matter how much you love them...it aint going to miraculously bring back the past love. And just coz he doesnt want to love you anymore doesnt mean he is seeing someone else, he may simply just have exhausted all his resourses coping with you when you were depressed...matter of fact, he may even have stayed with you when you were depressed just so he could see you get through it, and now that he sees you are better he knows you will be able to handle the truth that he doesnt want to be with you anymore.

Its harsh...but this happened to my friend...his wife was depressed and no matter how hard he tried to make her happy, she was miserable and mean to him...practically nuts. He said at one point he was willing to endure that, but one day the switch flipped and he couldnt do it anymore. By this point she was all better and desperate to try everything to keep him, but he just knew it wasnt what he could endure anymore. He still cared about her, he just didnt love her anymore. Too much had been said or done to ever be able to right the wrongs.

Its good you are doing positive things in this time of uncertainty, work hard and make it on your own two feet, and you will find that he will be the supportive dad to your kids...just dont keep that false hope that he will get back together with you because if you do then you will really lash out at him when he does finally one day meet someone else...and in doing so you could end up hurting your kids too. Be self aware and be realistic.

Good luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (602 days ago)

I suppose it really depends on the quality of the relationship over the long haul. If it has only recently been bad or been bad most of the time. With long relationships, there are inevitably periods of strain, especially after or around the birth of a baby. It's hard on everyone. There were times in my nearly 30 year relationship with my husband that were really very difficult, and those difficulties lasted for a long time. We hung in there with each other... went through the ups and downs.

Love ebbs and flows... I don't think people should give up on marriages where there are children involved unless they really think it's absolutely hopeless. There has been a crisis situation in this family. They should wait for things to settle down before they make firm decisions one way or another.

In this situation, with a lady recovering from Post-natal depression, a new baby and two other children, I think it's best for her to just stay where she is for the moment, slow the pace of things, and gently let her life take root again. If they can maintain respect for one another, keep a semblance of a family going, share some nice times, but work on developing their own careers/interests too, there's hope things will naturally mend.

No more strain should be placed on the relationship at this point.

Beetle - you're doing great... but take things slowly... don't expect yourself to be superwoman. I really hope it works out.

Other ladies here... don't be so quick to see marriages as only for the good times. That's what distinguishes a marriage from most other commitments - it's the promise to keep working on it even when it's very very difficult. Infidelity (hopefully not a problem here) is one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage - but some people can and do even manage to overcome that. I hope it works out, but more importantly, I hope Beetlebug doesn't put too much pressure on herself at this point, but asks for and accepts as much help as she can get.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beetlebug3 (599 days ago)

Thanks goldenleaves, I think thats the problem with alot of people giving up on a marriage is easier these days and sometimes easier than working at it. I hope it will work out for the best, i'm not willing to give it up just yet!!

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by fiorellino (599 days ago)

Stay with it. being far from home often adds another dimension. You said that you had been seeing a therapist, perhaps you should get your husband to join you, or find a new therapist to start afresh - but go together. sometimes its hard to reconcile the difficult times alone.

dont lose hope..

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Totty (598 days ago)

I've just read through some of these replies and how immature, unfeeling and downright rude can you get.

Give him some space, look at getting your own 'hobby' so as you have another interest, enjoy your time with the kids and he may well come around. Leave him little things for when he gets back from work, a cup of tea that just needs water adding, a cake out that the kids have made, toothpaste on his toothbrush ready for him, just little things and you may find that he will see how much EVERYONE in the household feels about him.

Men are daft sometimes, a good book to read is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, me and my husband went through a horrible, horrible phase, i read this and it gives you a wonderful insght into them. By the way we've been together since i was 16, have two kids and marriage is never plain sailing and those that give up at the first hurdle just ain't trying.

Good luck Beetlebug3 x

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by churchill (598 days ago)

Sorry to hear that...this is his own dilemma, there is nothing you can do...I agree with Totty, give him some space...And he needs to fix himself, before you both to discuss how to move on...

Where is the commitment? Hang on and Good luck!

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by goldenleaves (598 days ago)

No... don't give up. It's not over by a long shot... and in the end... A home, a family, and a contented wife after years of struggle is a very hard thing to give up for a man. He may have lost his resolve temporarily while you were away... but hold on.

Try to keep cheerful for yourself and the children at the very least... When children are happy and spontaneous in a family, warmth is generated... Enough warmth may thaw this out in the long run.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by churchill (598 days ago)

Goldenleaves...totally agree!

All good things come for those who wait...

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by kiwisutton (598 days ago)

A great book to read on understanding how people communicate love in different ways is "The Five Love Languages". Author is Gary Chapman. It opened my eyes on how people think they are demonstrating love but it may not be being acknowledged by the recipient as they receive love in a different way - not just husband / wife but parent / child relationships as well.

Maybe this is where things started to go wrong in the first place?? Read the book and see if you cannot determine your husband's love language.

Small steps and the belief that good things are worth working for. Hang in there.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (598 days ago)

you should get used to that and fast!
there is no way that you can prevent it from happening again. as a man, it is extremely difficult to resist. anyway, i am not going to elaborate on that, i'm sure most of you will not agree with what i said. again, you have to be practical and be able to dissociate what is a pure sexual act and affection.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (598 days ago)

oops! got the wrong thread. sorry.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by island_castaway (564 days ago)

Hi,
Firstly, I want to congratulate you on getting the help you need, well done! That's the 1st step on the road to recovery!
I think you need to get him a job back home to the UK as soon as!! The culture is completely different in the UK & it sounds to me, like the majority of men unfortunately, that he's living the life of reilly while the usual happens, the mother looks after the kids, he socialises. He has responsibilities for God's sake!! I don't know ANY women who can switch off their emotions like that. Have you tried doing the socilising & turning the tables so he has the kids? Have you any family or friends there that you can rely on to look after the kids? If yes, you could try seducing him all over again..... Good luck xx

(I am based in Hong Kong)