A very long story...and 1001 questions

Posted by Leylia (464 days ago)

Here's my situation. I'm in my 20s and am based in China. Dating situation is basically dire. I travel all the time and basically spend maybe at most 2 weekends in SH on average per month.

I used to date this guy when I was in BJ and I moved to SH due to career reasons. Our long distance relationship fizzled out fast because he doesn't believe in long distance. Yet he calls me almost every other week. He now finally has the money and time to come to BJ to see me (a struggling entrepreneur who's finally made it). According to him, he hasn't seen me in 2-3 months and he misses me. We dated for 1.5 years and during my 1.5 years here in SH, I've never stopped thinking of him and we talk quite regularly.

Then, there's the intense work load here in SH and I ended up settling for this guy who's just crazy over me. He told me he probably would even relocate with me if I ever return to my home country. Kind of like the guy I turn to when I'm bored and lonely.

I've just finished my 3rd yr in China and have had a great career so far. However, I'm thinking of relocating away from SH because I simply dislike the place. My heart is in BJ for the man that I love, yet my mind tells me that it is time to go to a place like either Singapore or HK because it's better in terms of exposure for my career. My problem is that I'm quite work focused and my career really matters to me. Yet, I'm worried that I might end up giving up this guy whom I think is the one for me. He claims that he loves me but is not in a position to commit to anything because ensuring that his business works is his main preoccupation.

Career wise, I'm doing well but am getting tired of the immense work load which I think I'm not learning much from anymore. I work more than 12 hours every day, and when I'm on a business trip, which is often, it's like working 24 hours continuously barring sleep. I don't feel mentally challenged/stimulated anymore. I came straight to China after graduating from college, and have work experience mainly in China. The deal flow and opportunities here in China in terms of job scope is great, and people are amazed by what I've done here within a short time period. But I miss being surrounded by young professionals of my type and having people who can relate to me to talk to. Essentially, the social life here is terrible, and I think the social/intellectual emptiness of it is getting to me. I love the entrepreneurial energy here in China, the culture, the history, and the sense of possibilities. Yet, I miss the world outside, which is more attainable in cosmpolitan cities like HK or SG.

There's lots of guilt feeling for being away from my family too.

It's so hard to lay out all the facts without getting more long-winded.

I've the following options:
- Remain in SH, remain in my comfort zone, remain in the company of a man who adores me but whom I don't feel much for
- Get out of China and head to Singapore or HK
- Relocate to BJ for Mr BJ and get work with a different company that's more challenging

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Aijin (part whatever) (463 days ago)

Option #1 - man...
Option #2 - you...
Option #3 - man...

What do you want?

Men are not necessarily the answer... until you know... and if you have to question then they are not, maybe yet, the answer.

Good luck and don't think too much... and enjoy all the world proffers in the meantime.

(I am based in Tokyo)

Posted by goldenleaves (463 days ago)

Sounds like you love the man in BJ but don't feel secure in that relationship. That is, you're not confident he loves you. It seems like you feel that was tested when he didn't want to keep up a relationship with you while you were away, but just casual phone contact. With the one in SH, you feel more secure. Is that right?

Now BJ's move has thrown you into chaos, because it reveals the strength of your feeling for him, and also the lack of feeling for Mr. SH, so the 'natural' impulse is to run away from both of them! You are a bit of an escapist I think deep down... many of us here are of course. But I don't think you should do that, run off somewhere else I mean.
I think you're just scared of your feelings for Mr. BJ, and frightened of being hurt again, or a confrontation within yourself of having to make a decisive choice.
Don't do anything. You're young and have plenty of time. Just let Mr. BJ come and check out how you feel with him, and importantly, how he feels about you.
Don't tell him how much you love him, until he commits his feelings to you. Let him chase you a bit and that will make you feel more in control and sure of his interest. If that doesn't work out, then you can make a decision regarding how you then feel about Mr. SH.
No need to panic about your life just now.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cute_sense (463 days ago)

Wow! Well said Goldenleaves. :)

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by Woz's Pup (463 days ago)

I was in Beijing and Shanghai for a couple days, and I had a fantastic social life while I was there. And that's only a couple days!

That's really cruel that you say you turn to the one guy when you're 'lonely and bored'. Imagine if Mr Beijing said that about you!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by goldenleaves (463 days ago)

She's not cruel, though it might sound that way. Mr. SH makes her feel good about herself, but she doesn't love 'him'. Of course, we want to be around people who make us feel good when we're feeling low.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Leylia (462 days ago)

Actually, I don't think I'm an escapist. I want my cake and eat. I want a career, be with the man I love and have a great social life.

Well, with my current work schedule, I doubt it's possible to have a great social life. I'm hardly in town, get off work at 8-10pm everyday, spend my weekends working or studying.

Anyway, it's beginning to boil to a point where I don't even want to be in Mr SH's company. So down that I think I might be better off alone rather than compromise on the quality of companionship. Yet at times, loneliness drives me towards him. It's such a lowly existence.

In the past, I could easily go to any bar, and men would chat me up. Now, I suspect my life has made me so tense and serious that I think it repels others. I used to think that I would meet a cosmopolitan crowd in SH, BJ...we would have stimulating conversations over great wine etc. Rather, what I get is either DVD talk or Mr China-know-it-all talk (from a misguided and godly The Economist perspective) or where's the next best foot massage or food place. I mean, is that all to China from an expat's perspective?

Are men that important? People around me are already getting married and I keep getting told that I should find someone before it;s too late. It's scary. I truly believe that the gender gap has truly closed and that I'm capable of having a career like any man. Rather, I'm beginning to feel that 'finding a man' is still a societal expectation in Asia, and especially in China.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by corporate_cog (461 days ago)

u sound burnt out, or near- burnout. it is clear that u are not happy in ur job. change ur job first sort out the men second

(i don't understand how u can say the dating/social scene is better in bj!, in my experience sh is best)

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by stauntonstreet (461 days ago)

I think you've answered your own question. You can have what you say you want in your first paragraph. You love the man in BJ, he appears to want to be with you, but you left him to go to SH to further your career, but it left you unhappy.

Why are you resisting expressing your love for the man in BJ? Is it a career issue really? Is he unreliable? unkind? Or are you the one who's frightened deep down of commitment? I think you should see someone to get some help to sort it out. You don't want to find out years from now that you have thrown away a good thing because you didn't really know what you want, or couldn't recognise it when you had it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by notmeok (459 days ago)

I agree with Stauntonstreet.I hooked up with someone 23 years ago. I was 18. Some of my friends thought I was nuts, but here we are, still together and many of them are alone, but they have better careers.I'd rather be in my situation than theirs. and they'd rather be in theirs than mine, which is married with children. I couldn't be as happy without a husband and kids, but maybe you won't have regrets. I think you love the man and should center your life around him and see if it works out. Otherwise, you will regret it or wonder what could have happened. I'm a foreigner in HK.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Woz's Pup (459 days ago)

I think that if he loved her, he'd move to be with her. My boyfriend went home to Hong Kong, and I moved to be with him, leaving all my friends and family... and also my career! If I'd stayed in England I'd have the career I want, but I really loved my fella so I moved to be with him, and gave it all up.

Like notme, I think love is more important than a career, but everyone's different.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Leylia (458 days ago)

but I can't just move to a city for someone, I'm not even convinced if he truly cares about me and that it is worth it. Keeps calling me to tell me that he misses me, and still dating other girls. He said he will not ask me to relocate to BJ because he found the relationship draining when we were together. But why does he still keep contacting me and asking if he could come visit me because he misses me. I'm lost. Anyway, I've concluded that I should not let it distract me. Too much negative energy.

(I am based in Beijing)

Posted by Woz's Pup (458 days ago)

He probably wants the attention. I still contact a guy who told me he loves me back in England, but I'm very happy with my boyfriend and I'm not interested in this guy. I only do it for an ego boost. Maybe he's doing the same. Best thing to do if this is the case, is just to cut him out your life. Change your number, or block his.

(I am based in Hong Kong)